The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #4

I just got my first one-star review. It was going to happen sooner or later, but I'm taking it better than I expected. Plus it gave me an easy excuse to write another installment.

Maybe it's because I've bombed so much on stage that I'm sort of numb to any kind of negative feedback. Plus the listener was just honest and addressed some valid points:

"Martin Wurst's narration felt he was simply reading the words on a page rather than telling a story, lacking hesitation, modulation emphasisation until i felt he had got the story and it improved towards the end, (very like listening to Apples Siri when it reads out messages) "

Audible asked if he would be willing to try another performance by Martin Wurst.  

"No."

I really can't get mad at this. As an amateur, I would often struggle to get through a sentence, instead of really telling the story. Sometimes I would speed through because I would be essentially holding my breath, instead of pausing and taking my time. I could make a list of excuses, but that doesn't change the fact that this guy saw my performance as crap. He loved the story though, (5 stars)  and I almost completely ruined the experience for him. That sucks. I'm glad he wrote the negative review, because just like when I bomb on stage, it lights a fire in me. You have to work harder, Wurst! I can correct this.

This week's nominee goes to Jane Boyer for her performance of Night Hawk. Jane received a similar criticism on her delivery,

"The woman narrating sounds like she is overdosing on valium."

I suppose Jane and I can battle it out when they're looking to replace the Siri voice!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

Episode 20! Should I Let My Parents Watch My Kid?

Is dog shit littering? Campers and diarrhea. Who looked good pregnant? AND Baby CRUSHES. Jarrett, Mollie, and Jenny talk openly and honestly about grandparents and the relationships with their kids. Facebook fans also weigh in and share their honest opinions. Are you micromanaging grandparent time? Is it time to stop the relationship with your parents? When your parent remarries, do you call their new spouse “grandma?” Jenny brings the stats: The scientifically proven benefits of grandparents watching your kids. What effect does medical marijuana have on grandma? Mollie dishes on military wives and their mothers-in-law who hate them, and concludes with the definition of grace. 

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #3

You can't fake accents. Well, that's not entirely true. I did. A lot of people do. Serious actors will train themselves with enough research, coaches, or audio lessons. Maybe even a trip overseas.  I watched a lot of movies. In the end, my accent was inconsistent, occasionally wandering towards other regions, and becoming a copy of a copy of another guy's impression of Michael Caine.

I did an Aussie accent for "Dark Sanity." I did my best, but it wasn't great. I was watching Australian movies, listening to some of their local radio personalities, YouTube videos, and it helped a lot. Still, you can't nail something like that in a week. A lot of my performance was embarrassing. 

Then I caught a break. I was only reading a couple chapters ahead at a time, so I found out that the "Australian" character was actually a traitor, and FAKING THE ACCENT! Phew, what a break! I could imagine my listening audience's compliments of, "OH, that's why his accent was kind of crappy, he really sold it! Had me fooled, I thought it was just a shitty narrator!"

Like an idiot, I didn't read the entire book up front, so I was surprised with another character in the 3rd act, this time a French woman!  The author let me off the hook and I read it normally...with a hint of stereotype.

Maybe I should read the entire book up front from now on. I just wanted to be surprised as I made progress, but I guess that's just the excuse of an amateur being lazy.

I haven't learned my lesson yet. I'm doing an awful Southern accent in the next book.  Sometimes I underplay it and other times it feels way over the top. It's as if I'm screaming to the audience for validation, "HEY, DOES THIS SOUND BETTER?"  "HOW ABOUT THIS?"

How about neither! Just stop doing accents.

For the record, I'm not asking for any money up front. It takes me about 6 months to complete one of these books. I also auditioned for these roles, so the authors could've dumped me. They recognized my strengths and forgave my weaknesses. Maybe the author just wants their work out there, because not enough talented people are auditioning, so they're stuck with Marty Wurst!   

MAKE IT SO...ACCENT BE DAMNED! It's just unfortunate that occasionally, a really bad accent will slip through the cracks.

This week's nominee goes to Lynne M. Smelser for her English accent in "The Diary of Lillie Langtry"

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #2

Trashy romance is still a huge industry.  Remember those glorious book covers?  The ones with the long-haired, swashbuckling, stud-pirates holding a scantily-clad and chesty damsel, with her hair always huge and perfect.  I loved that art.  As a kid, I almost felt guilty looking at those covers.  I’d flip through the pages to see where the first love scene started.  Usually around page 98.

Nowadays, the covers are sort of a quick hack-and-paste job.  Get a model, get him to take his shirt off, BAM–there’s your cover.  Photoshop it, so he looks like a vampire with a six-pack–PERFECT!

There’s plenty of romance titles in the audiobook world, but there’s just as much EROTICA.  Early on, I auditioned for a softcore title called “Dr. Sessions,” the sex therapist of San Francisco. I didn’t get it.  I figured those books probably sell more than the other things I was auditioning for, but that’s not entirely true.  Those books have to deliver, too.  They have to be sexy.  Even if they’re written badly, I bet the right actor or actress with the right amount of sensuality could make you forget the cringe-worthy dialogue.  I bet there are a lot of erotica fans who find that one actor or actress and then buy all their books!  A voice and the imagination can be a powerful thing.

So I want you to look at the cover of this book.  Then close your eyes.  Imagine what this handsome man would sound like.  When you think you have that voice in your head…go ahead and press play.

Casting is everything. 

This week’s nomination goes to Roy Wells, for his performance of “Big Man on Campus: Fresh Gay Erotica”

WARNING: There are NO graphic descriptions of sex in this audio sample, so don’t worry.  However, there are poetic mentions of genitalia.  I can’t guarantee you won’t find this offensive, but it made my girlfriend and I laugh out loud, so I think this is a worthy entry.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

Tune On The Microphone

This is an old clip I saved of Tune interrupting me while I was recording an audiobook chapter of “Zombies in Love.” She had to investigate the microphone.  

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #1

The first nomination goes to Aaron Harrison for “Don’t Fear The Reaper: The Death Chronicles - Book 1” (YA Fantasy) mostly because I want to stress that I LOVE this sample.  It made me laugh…HARD.  I had to share it with other friends and it gave me the idea for this series.  Aaron seems like a joyous person, and I have to give him points for sheer enthusiasm.  There are narrators that are truly unlistenable, but I will go on record and admit I’ve been considering a purchase.  I’ve listened to this sample ten times.  His performance might be entirely appropriate for this kind of book.  One Audible reviewer described him as “an over-enthusiastic high school drama student” One thing’s for sure…Aaron doesn’t reign it in.  He’s young. He’s busy.  He doesn’t have time to pace himself- if he holds it in for too long he might buh-buh-BURST! Sadly, this is Aaron’s only audiobook.  So purchase it, if you like what you hear.  Just keep the volume down. On to the sample!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

Finishing my 2nd audiobook narration. “Dark Sanity” by Paul L. Centeno. #Audiobook #acx #blueyeti

Comedy Checklist Before Hitting Stage

1. Review set-list
2. Beanie propeller working properly
3. Hilarious text message cued up…
4. Review heckler comebacks in back pocket (Shut the *uck up.  Look at this asshole, nice shirt, dildo, etc.)
5. Remember to make eye contact with best dressed audience member (talent scouts!)
6. Water bottle cap partially unscrewed for easy twist-off.
7. Spot Ken Garr and become red hot with jealousy.
8. Focus on burying him.
9. Feel bad after he comes over and shakes my hand, wishing me luck.
10. Mantra “I am a star.  I am a big, bright, shining star.”  (puts penis back, zips up, jumps through curtain for epic entrance)