Comedy Isn't Dead, You Are

9/10/20

The first few months I was sitting at home and I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t miss driving to all the open mics, talking shit with other comics, bombing- all the bombing. So many awkward exchanges completely dodged. I didn’t even miss being on stage. There are so many bad sets that I don’t have to watch right now. What a fucking break. I’m sure some of those comics would feel the same way about me- I don’t have to watch Wurst do his fucking act-outs, thanks Covid!

I’ve been away long enough that I’m starting to believe I can reinvent myself. Come back with all new material. Do all the weird conceptual stuff again like when I first started. Get in with the alt crew. Get invited to nerd shows. Perform for people that actually like my stupid movie references.

What does it take to be a comedian anyway? An endless stream of professional photoshoots posted on instagram. A few patreon followers? I still see that one guy that hasn’t done a set since I started in 2013, he still thinks he’s a comedian.

I’m just funny and not a lot of people know it yet right?

The mics started coming back, whether they require masks, social distancing or not, they started popping up. Some of them hush hush because it wasn’t the right thing to do. Surprise surprise, they were run by some of the worst people and attracted some of the worst people. Comedy became punk rock again.

4/10/22

I miss standup. Or maybe I just miss the camaraderie. I’m not part of the scene anymore. The train keeps passing and I want to hop on again, but then I think I don’t have to suffer like that- give up my night, wait around for hours to maybe bomb.

But I always want people to know that I’m funny. That’s what unfunny people say, I know that, but I don’t say that shit out loud. I’m the underdog. I have a unique point of view. I try things outside of the box. I do act-outs. Yeeesh. ick.

Do I finally take “Stand up comedian” off my profile? If I’ve gone a couple times last month can I still be as stage-ready as say an influencer? I don’t have the followers, but I’ve got bits baby, I could go on for a long time. I write a lot.

I didn’t go to mics for a long time after Covid. I follow the rules, I don’t take a punk rock approach to life. Not like that. Plus I had a baby. Why put the baby at risk? I get Covid, my helpless baby gets it from me and who knows what happens- he could barely stay alive on his own, let’s spare him the Covid curveball. I’d never forgive myself, it would destroy my relationship with my wife and I might think about killing myself.

I thought about death a lot when Henry was born. That may be the most shameful and horrible thing I’ve ever written, but I can’t bury this anymore. It's all selfish reasons too. Covid definitely put a crimp in my social life and I’m not special- we all went through this fucking adjustment. Sometimes I just wanted to die because I felt like I had nothing to look forward to anymore. It was that intense and I couldn’t even hang out with my wife, I didn’t know that was possible. Who could foresee something like that?

Sure, we’ll still have time to watch a show or crack jokes in bed before we go to sleep.

That was gone. I couldn’t be with my best friend. No time for intimacy. If we exchanged any words it was about Henry. So many appointments and worries.

One of us was always with Henry and when we had a moment to ourselves we had to sleep or I had to step out and doordash to unwind. My wife was done around 9pm and I would stay up until 2-3 in the morning, monitoring our son while she took a much needed rest. I’d rock him to sleep and then bottle feed him again and again. Or maybe I’d run out of milk and desperately try to get the formula going. The crying would get to me as I tried to spoon in the powder and mix it with water. He couldn’t always be soothed that way and I’d have to solve the puzzle.

My in-laws were over a lot to help out, bringing meals and giving endless support. Without them I don’t know what I would’ve done.

It’s taboo to say anything about these dark thoughts, after having a wonderful baby. It’s like parents don’t want to admit how much it can suck to discourage others from having kids because everyone should have kids right?

Fuck you.

“You’re gonna have so much material!”

The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my baby on stage. It was so hard and now I can barely remember the first 6 months. Maybe it is that survival instinct, I’ll forget everything so I can brainwash myself into having another! Couldn’t have been that bad!

I just remember what it did to me.

Burying my face in my hands, digging my nails into my head wishing I could put my fist through the flat screen or kick a hole in the wall. I’ve given up everything. My life is over. Unless this baby doesn’t survive or I leave…

I don’t have the willpower to kill myself. I just fantasized about it constantly, the different ways, which methods are less painful, the aftermath. Especially the aftermath. How Claire would discover me. I shouldn’t leave a mess. Maybe I could crawl into the neighbor’s dumpster. I can’t be around Henry. Sometimes it would bring a little tear to my eye- ooooh such sad hypotheticals goth boy, you made yourself cry!

Would my Youtube videos see a sudden spike after my death? Would anyone say, “He was so fucking funny.” I think a few of my friends would! But a comic above open mic status? Would any headliner say that? Shit, I don’t think so, I’d just get the “Marty was such a nice dude…but I wouldn’t let that guy open for me.”

Some years back I went to Arizona with a couple of comedians and I remember we were having lunch with my uncle, who generously put us up in a hotel. He singled out one of the comics I was with.

“You…you’re gonna make it.”

The rest of us felt pretty left out. Hey, we’re funny too!

It’s weird how some people want to be parents. I can’t relate to that at all. I loved my freedom. I loved taking trips at the drop of a hat. I loved doing standup and the adventures it would take me on. My wife and I could go places…just the two of us! Without bullshit! I think in the back of our minds we thought we’d still be doing the same stuff.

I took all of Henry’s crying so personally. Like my infant son hated me. I was trying to help him, find the fucking solution to his pain and he was telling me I was wrong wrong wrong and the screaming would rattle me. I’d have to put him down in the crib and walk away. I put him down really fast once and it scared him. It scared me too.

He had health issues early on, but it was manageable and Claire was doing most of the heavy lifting anyway. She made sure he got his exact medication in the morning and would be breast-feeding him all day- not to mention pumping more milk every spare moment she had. A slave to milk production. In return I’d take him to get his frequent blood draws. It was hard watching him get stuck in the arm and some of the nurses would fuck it up or make it known it was their first time. Then later he was having a lot of gastrointestinal pain and I’d hold him while he was writhing in my arms, screaming, eyes shut so hard. It’s like he didn’t even know I was there anymore, it was so painful for him. I just held him for 20-45 minutes at a time until the pain finally subsided. It was brutal.

I was a stay-at-home-dad and I had a lot of bad days, but over time it got easier. Claire would occasionally come home to a husband that had shut down completely. Any of my previous plans for the night were quickly abandoned because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything through my state of paralyzed anger. I stormed out once without explanation because talking about these feelings with my wife and staying in the apartment one more minute seemed worse. I didn’t even want to be in the same room as Henry after some days. Then to top it off we worked so hard to get Henry down for the night and then our cat Tune would start meowing the minute we shut our eyes. Or we’d hear her meowing in Henry’s room on the verge of waking him up! I had no patience for Tune when it came to our sleep. Poor kitty, all she wanted was some attention and we barely played with her for months. Now she’s passed away and I’d give anything to play with her again.

Henry would get so upset and I really thought that he hated me in those moments. I would walk away and he’d cry harder. When I came back a minute later he was so fucking jazzed to see me, tears of anger turning into chuckles of relief, it made me feel terrible… and I also felt so much love for him. He started to smile at me in the morning- he could see me from across the room. I think that’s when things shifted. Those horrible thoughts popped up less and less. He was making me laugh and he was laughing too- like he knew what he was doing to me. His eyes were so blue. Thankfully, they stayed that color. He was stoked to be taking a bath in the sink or a giant pot. He liked it when I read to him. He kicked his feet to tell me he was happy or excited. We’d communicate with growls.

There was that panic early on that maybe I wouldn’t bond with this strange little blob. I was especially afraid he would be more like his dad, highly emotional and whiny- prone to dramatic blogging. Maybe it was inevitable that I was going to love my son, but I know how all this sounds…to not express that kind of love right away, it’s a sin. To talk about death, to feel sorry for myself when it’s not supposed to be about me. To air these doubts and early feelings of regret when talking about my first born is a big no-no. What if he reads this someday?

Hey son, you kickass I just didn’t know that yet. Please forgive me.

Marty

P.S.

Screw you, it was hard.

My friends and I lost a couple of comedian friends during that first year. A funeral was the biggest social event I’d been to during the pandemic, and it was awful and great to be around so many comedians. I broke my stupid code a few times to see my buddies anyway, but I never felt good about it. I masked up for my job and just got used to it. Months and months went by without doing standup. I used to hit 5-6 mics a week.

I’m not a comedian anymore. Am I really calling this?

A lot of the working comedians I know changed their headshots over those two years. What was once a silly or happy-go-lucky headshot was upgraded to a more serious, introspective picture of themselves. I guess that’s the mark of a post-pandemic comic survivor headshot.

The lack of a creative outlet was definitely screwing with my head. I couldn’t meet up with my buddies to film, so I started filming at home with Henry. Reviewing books and movies together. We shot an episode when he was just two weeks old and it was hilarious. He looked like a mole rat just lounging on a cushion, barely moving and not blinking while I ranted about crinkle books. Later at two months old, he clearly says “Bye!” at the end of the episode. Pure magic.

We’ve been shooting every week since then and now he’s over a year old and practically walking. We’ve done over 50 episodes and it’s some of the best comedy I’ve ever produced and now I have this unique record of Henry’s growth. To think I could’ve just bombed a few hundred times instead- did I really miss out on anything? Stand up isn’t going anywhere. I mean it sort of died, but it’s kind of back, although it’s not the saaaaaame….question mark?

I’m not gonna share the title of the show that I do with my son, because that would be a plug and this entry is about poopoo feelings, so I better stick to that so you know that I’m serious.

Now the reality is that I want to be with Henry, but I want to do stand up too. I want to finish all my projects. I want to be with my wife. I want to keep up with everything. I want to have the strength to do it all. Cocaine is the one that keeps you up right?

Henry started going to bed earlier and sleeping through the night. It took a long time, but we got there. He’s a happy boy. Claire and I are watching shows again, sometimes movies. We laugh hysterically in bed over bad puns and weird misunderstandings. We’re watching the extended versions of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, that’s how far we’ve come.

But for some fucked up reason, I need people to know that I’m funny. That I have a body of work. That I know how to write. That I’m a good actor too. That’s what eats me up more than anything. Knowing I have what it takes and not going the distance. Thinking that my death could get me a few thousand pity views on Youtube is insane. I know that. But losing a few subscribers because I talked about possibly killing myself, what a bummer man.

It’s called He Said, Goo Said just subscribe to it on YouTube.

Oh and sorry Nate, it took longer than 6 months this time.

Links to past entries:

Best Open Mics of 2018

Best Open Mics of 2016

Douchebags Helping Douchebags

Comedy Advice From A #$%cking Idiot (Under 10 Years)

The Resentful Open Micer

My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows

My First and Worst Year: Westwood Brewco and Onward (the beginning)

My First and Worst Year: Producing a Show

Year 2: The Worst Comedian

Year 2: The Worst Comedian (Part 2)

Tip-Toe Backwards

I don’t give a shit about stand-up comedy right now. I never thought I’d reach this point, making cocky statements early on, “I’m in this for the win.” Judging comics that invest more time in their OTHER thing.

Oh, you occasionally do comedy, but this other thing is your REAL passion.

I’ve been excited about something else and the scales have finally tipped. There’s that feeling of Oh, I gotta keep showing up to let my friends know I’m still in! I’m not backing down, I’ll keep fighting for time. Just to save face. Am I really fighting for time? Nah.

I won’t walk away, not yet. I just wanted to acknowledge that I’ve hit this wall. It’s so dumb because I feel so close, but I’m just excited about other stuff.

I’ll probably check out a mic next week, feel the high from performing again and debate whether to delete this entry- whoops! Just went without stand-up for a week…sorry about that. Maybe I do love this. I texted my wife that I have to do standup and wanted her to tell me that it’s ok. Now I’m down and feeling like I could walk away. The fuck is going on?

So much complaining, bragging, and shit-talking everywhere. It feels good to do something outside of stand-up that doesn’t involve these things. Maybe I’m not strong enough. I’m lazy about writing material but I work til’ I’m sick on the stuff I’m excited about.

I know I’m a funny guy, just not sure the best version of me translates into standup.

I hear a pool of voices, the cynical comics that have a smart answer for anything that anyone posts. Good, walk away. Concentrate on that feeling.

It feels sacrilegious to voice these doubts, because we’ve all invested so much.

I feel like Garraty in Stephen King’s The Long Walk. It would feel so good to just sit down. Close my eyes. Hear the footsteps of thousands of comedians advancing up the next hill while I sit here until they’re all gone. Just the sound of crickets and my lungs no longer gulping for air.

Didn’t get around to a Best Open Mic of the year post because it felt like a chore and I was busy. I seem to hit those entries once every two years.

I think the frustrating thing is I don’t want to go down easy….material wise. I don’t know how to get people into Martyland without them being weirded out and hating my guts.

BOO HOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’ll see you at the next mic. Don’t bring this up. Yes, I’m reviewing it…to let the nice people know if it’s worth it. Not sure where I stand on this journey.

(struggles with closing laugh line)

(picks up a hobby instead)

Comedy Advice From A *%#king Idiot (Under 10 Years)

I love giving advice. I’m only 6 years in, but I think I know everything. Until the next bomb. Then I think back to the time I gave unsolicited advice to a fellow comic and she’s been on television since then. She was fine, she didn’t need my input.

The harsh reality of me giving comedy advice is that I can get up on stage later and bomb in front of everyone that read this. It makes you think, Jesus, why would anyone take advice from that asshole?

From just a few months in to 10 years or more- you’re gonna hear all kinds of shit from people you probably shouldn’t listen to. So jump ship now or keep reading!

A handful of comics asked me about getting booked. How does one go about that? Why am I not getting booked?

I’m probably not the guy to ask. I get booked 3 to 4 times a month, and even that is pretty generous when I’m still learning so much. You’ve seen comic’s memes with full schedules. Clearly I’m not working hard enough. They have the hustle. I hustle in different directions. I feel uncomfortable asking too much. Even when I’m at my best, something inside tells me I don’t deserve to ask for more. I have to get over that.

Some nights I exude so much confidence, and then another night I feel like a beginner all over again, struggling through a longer set, forgetting my set-list, or closing with a joke that never works. What the hell was I thinking??!! Why did I have a beer? I’m losing focus, too relaxed.

I was in denial about a lot of jokes. I let them stay mediocre for years. Even my friends were probably wondering, why the fuck is he still doing that joke? It’s so easy to get set in my ways. I guess for a while there’s just not enough material, so I circle to older bits over and over again. Making mental notes after my set (oh, that line tanked again, I should change that) then blip! Forgotten until the next time it bombs again. It’s an unproductive cycle.

There’s real homework to be done. It’s not supposed to be all fun. We can’t just keep winging it on stage. We’re not all great like our heroes. If the line sucks take it out. Maybe the joke still works, but now it’s better because it’s shorter. I waste so much breath setting things up and it kills the actual funny part. I get this attitude like, I can’t think of anything else, that’ll do for now. I just admitted to myself that I don’t even like it.

Rewrites. Coming up with a better line, or a better set-up. So many of my jokes eat shit because the set-up doesn’t make sense, and no specific point of view is coming across. Sometimes I’ll ask an honest friend for an opinion. I’m sensitive about my jokes, so the response can be hard to take, but if something is not working, I’m not gonna be defensive about it. Riffing on the idea with a funny friend can put me back on the right track.

I have an app called The Comedy Companion. It lists all my jokes. It breaks them down into two categories: In Development or just Jokes. I rehearse individual jokes at home and list the time it takes to perform them. Then I give them my most honest grade. I love performing my Metallica bit, but it’s a C- at best. The first couple minutes get laughs, but then it eats a dick before I get to the huge act-out. It’s either too much of a niche audience thing or it’s just not funny enough. Maybe the storytelling is too sloppy. It’s a problem. I can’t keep doing it at shows until I do some rewrites. I can’t just blame the audience for not caring about Metallica. They still laugh at the set-up, so it’s not just the reference.

I like any book that goes into the mechanics of joke-writing with quotes from respectable comics. This is a good one.

There are jokes that I’m not crazy about performing like My Last Name is Wurst, but it usually does great, so it gets an A rating. It says something about me. It’s personal and there are a few good lines that always hit. A good opener for sure. People hear my last name is Wurst when the host brings me up, so naturally I should open with that joke, right? (Yeah, but I die inside every time.)

So eventually, I can whittle down a set-list and they should all be A’s and B’s. Close on a A-rated banger if I can. Do I have any other foolproof jokes? Anyway, this is just how I do it…or forget to do it, but mean to do it. Just gotta work on those C’s, D’s, and F’s.

Any comic who complains about not getting booked is not doing the homework. They’re still doing the same shit and saying it the same way. Or maybe they’re so cocky and new that nobody wants to book them. Maybe they’re making people uncomfortable on Facebook with negative rants (I know I can only take so much). Maybe they’re getting laughs consistently at the same open mic, which is not a good judge. Go to a place where nobody knows you with actual audience members. Get out of your comfort zone. I love my Orange County friends, but they know me too well. Getting laughs at mics where nobody knows me feels like something. It’s fun walking in at some place where there’s a clique, too. I feel like the underdog. If I bomb, I can stay away for a long time or come back with a vengeance.

But the drive, blah blah blah- nobody gives a shit. We all drive our asses off. I took public transportation for 15 years! Shut-up-a-yo-face! Speaking of which, I’m tired of headliners complaining on stage about driving 2 hours to a paid gig at a nice club, you fucking wankers.

You gotta be honest with how you’re doing! So many people get into the “I crushed!” “I killed!”mindsets. You post that all the time and it makes me question your credibility. Ah whatever, I can’t even talk to those people. They’re trying to get ahead by overhyping themselves. They don’t want to work on getting funnier.

(Ten years later, Marty comes to the realization he’s jealous of everyone.)

Did Gary Gulman mention listening to your sets over and over? That’s how I come up with new tags. It’s hard to listen to awful sets (I delete them pretty quick), but a good set is fun to listen to. For me it’s a drug. I keep rewinding to some lady’s cackle. After hearing bits over and over I start to think of alternate lines and directions. Or remind me of the fucking tag I dropped! A mediocre set will at least keep my interest, but it’s still a lot of cringing.

Nearly all of my bookings are a result of doing well at an open mic. Rarely from a Youtube clip. I just got my first Brea Improv spot because I made someone laugh at Father’s Pub, a fun and extremely divey bar mic in Santa Ana. You never know who’s watching, and because of that set I got to perform to a crowd of 250. That’s a big deal for me, to earn a club spot by just doing well at an open mic. The same thing happened at the Hollywood Improv. The booker was watching, and I did well when it mattered. A huge victory for me. I’m 6 years in and I almost stayed home that day. I never would have known, this is the day I get pulled. Kick ass in a room full of competitive comics, that’ll make an impression. Don’t go to a lottery mic just assuming you’re not gonna get pulled. Get amped up and review your set and be ready. Then light a fire in the room when your name gets called. It’s a test every time. We all blow it when it matters. I think we’re just unaware of it most of the time.

I booked Harvey Snowman at The Virgil based on this set. See, you never know who’s watching at an open mic. The other snow comics bailed after their sets. Way to support the room, shitheads.

Jeremiah Watkins said to treat every mic like a showcase. Seems like a little much, but he’s fucking right. Don’t waste it because the crowd looks like shit. Be your best at every open mic. You get a reputation, oh, here’s somebody to watch. Say somebody complains about the audience and shits on the gig during their set. That’s an opportunity to turn the room around when you go up. Make those people your friends so that last comic looks like an asshole! Oh, you think this is a bad situation? Well, I just made it great, so fuck you, ya negative hack!

I watch people deliberately blow it and it drives me nuts because I’ve done it too. Bailing out on bits, slurring jokes, watching somebody too high to form a thought—in front of the people that matter. There’s a dude that works at an amazing comedy club and gets spots. Then he gets on stage high as fuck, doesn’t remember his jokes, and leaves prematurely after bitterly complaining in front of the booker. Fucking dude doesn’t know what he has and he’s pissing it away.

If there’s just one takeaway from this entry, remember this. Most Los Angeles and Orange County open mics have one or two comics in the audience who book their own shows. Sometimes more. They’re just there to do sets too, but if they like you you’ll probably hear from them at some point. Sometimes advanced comics are waiting to go up, too. Maybe you do good and they’ll take note of that. So work on your set. Don’t be a dick. Be friendly. Awkward is fine, just be yourself and genuine.

Blah blah, blah, I’m so good at giving advice!!!!

I was delusional starting out. With no point of reference and doing things for the first time, my perception of a good set was much different from someone who’s been doing this for 5 to 10 years. I was eager to post those early Flappers clips, but I’m telling you, take those fucking things down now before you shoot yourself in the foot! If you think you’re serious about comedy, you’re gonna be better in 5 years anyway, might as well wait a bit before posting anything. Don’t embarrass yourself by sending those mediocre sets to bookers. Even my current clip is far from a home run…I should probably take it down. It’s a C+…maybe a B-. I’m embarrassed that some of my most successful jokes are dick jokes. There are enough of those already. I know I’m better than that. Clever over easy, Marty. Be clever first.

So what I’m saying is if you have jokes about cocks, I’ll tag them. Let’s do this.

One of several Flappers clips I prematurely posted on YouTube. Nice wig, Dipshit! Doing some bully character in my first year of standup. I don’t do stuff like this anymore, so it doesn’t even accurately represent what I do and then to top it off it has some embarrassing dead spots- don’t make the same mistake! Keep your clips unlisted until you feel Tony the Tiger (Grrrr-eat!) about it.

Big thanks to the comics who shot me a nice message about openmicreviews, the blog, or just had something nice to say to me about my set. The kind words in person at the bleakest open mics mean the world to me. I’m sorry if I didn’t remember your face from Instagram. There are people who occasionally donate, too- fucking unbelievable, thank you so much.

If you find a great mic that more comics should know about, hit me up! I also post a lot of ridiculous stand-up shenanigans on my personal account. If you’re ever in Orange County, make sure to follow Orange County Standup on Instagram. Dude posts everything going on daily, it’s great. Hit me up online if you need to bitch or ask about anything. If I don’t have the answer, I know a lot of people who might!

Man, I’m all tuckered out from giving out all this A+ advice, I’m plum worn out! I’m turning into a regular Greg Dean here. If you’d like to hear more, check out my past entries, learn from my mistakes and I’ll keep writing about it. I hope it wasn’t too obnoxious. Sometimes, I just need to remind myself of my own advice. Don’t end on a stinker Marty.

Good luck out there.

(fizzles out)

…(blows out candle)

Links to past entries:

Best Open Mics of 2018

Douchebags Helping Douchebags

The Resentful Open Micer

My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows

My First and Worst Year: Westwood Brewco and Onward (the beginning)

My First and Worst Year: Producing a Show

Year 2: The Worst Comedian

Year 2: The Worst Comedian (Part 2)

Podcast Preview

COMING SOON!

I invite inexperienced stand up comedians to complain about why they think they’re not getting ahead in the comedy scene.

Segments include:

Top 3 Assholes On The Scene

Me Too Too!

It’s So Unfair

A $5 Mic Held Me Down and Raped Me

They Just Don’t Get It

Louie CK and his Triumphant Comeback

My Facebook Status Was Epic This Morning

Comedians Help NOBODY

Best Open Mics of 2018

It’s that time again. To champion the open mics that were leaps and bounds over the usual “meh” and bottom of the barrel dogshit mics. Mics that leave you with that rare feeling of Wow, I think I actually did something productive there. An open mic that leaves you with a sense of well being…imagine that.

I reviewed 75 open mics this year. Isn’t that crazy? 7 of those were in Colorado, but come on!

I took a year off from doing the awards because the first one made me wonder if it was worth it. If you’re curious you can click here for the Best Open Mics of 2016.

There are no physical rewards by the way, just positive word of mouth about your open mic. Wait, where you going? DON’T GO!!!!! I’LL MAKE BUTTONS (echo) buttons…

I entertained the idea, but I think I came up with a good compromise…I’ll have my shit together next year. We can shoot ideas about prizes, we’ll talk.

NOW BACK TO THE SCHEDULED PROGRAM.

So many mics popped up this year and almost just as quick, they disappeared without a trace or explanation. The owner may have cancelled it due to their business not turning an instant profit. Or a host realized that doing a weekly mic might take actual skill or commitment. Maybe a horrified customer wrote a bad Yelp review like this one.

They still managed to squeeze in a review of the pizza!

Most likely there were just not enough comics that cared enough to buy anything, so the owner pulled the plug. 3 to 4 weeks and then gone! Maybe it’s for the best. Some of the worst open mics have an incredible lifespan. We need those mics too. When I’m desperate enough I’ll hit just about any mic, except the Arsenal. A different host can turn a room around, though. Hell, even a nice bartender can make it worthwhile.

I want to thank all the comedians and non-comics that have taken on the task of hosting an open mic. Big applause to all the substitute hosts that keep a mic from cancelling. The majority of my reviews catch the guest host, because yeah, we all need fucking breaks, I get it! Running a mic is a bitch, so THANK YOU! We’re pretty spoiled out here with 20+ mics on any given night, and it’s cool that I can waste time writing a blog about it!

So just to clarify, there are the “Comedian’s Choice” winners- the direct results of your votes. There were bout 200 votes this year, not bad, not great- hopefully reach more people next year, I tried!

Then there’s the “Open Mic Reviews,” which are my personal picks.

There are a lot of good mics, but very few stick out from the pack.

I’m sorry if I didn’t recognize your mic this year, I didn’t hit all of them. Remember, this is all in good fun (I’m just winging this) and I just want other comedians to know that there are great mics out there that are worth checking out. I received a lot of invites… some dickneck tagged me weekly for an entire year, for his New Jersey mic, Scotty’s Pub and Comedy Cove. I don’t live in Jersey, bro!

There were a lot of donations last year for my past Patreon whirl, and I can’t thank those people enough. It gave me the extra nudge to get back out there and drive another couple hundred miles. It also made it possible for me to put some money into this project, so thank you. I’m glad somebody’s enjoying this! I also get emails about incorrect listings on the site. I’m so glad people are paying attention and helping me keep things up to date. It’s really hard to keep track of which mics fold or change days. Anyway, you can always message me with suggestions, corrections, or recommendations on Instagram, always cool to hear from you.

QUICK NOTE- Please don’t spoil the winners online. I’d love for the participants to discover it themselves, it’s part of the fun. Feel free to share away or tag the hosts of your favorite mics. If you guys enjoy this, I’ll do it again next year. Thanks for all your help!

NOW ON TO THE WINNERS!

BEST MIC THAT FOLDED THIS YEAR (R.I.P.)

Comedian’s Choice Marty’s

Open Mic Reviews Shanghai’d

Honorable Mentions MOD Pizza Open Mic, Max Bloom’s and Meltdown Comics.

Martys mic won the honors over MOD’s free pizza? I think I have a pretty good idea why.

Someone brought up a good point about Marty’s. A lot of the comics would hang out and talk about your sets. Punch up your jokes while you were on stage. It really was one of the best feedback mics, even though it wasn’t listed as one. Many comics taped their sets here. Serious comics were treating it like a gym, improvising through potential bits. There was the hang too of course, parties, and Marty’s was a great pop-in place if you desperately needed to charge your phone for a couple hours. Its left a mark on many comics and they are bonded forever. Plus you got a shitty photo on the wall! I wasn’t a part of all this. I went less than a dozen times in 5 years, but I understand the love and I can’t shit on it anymore. Sure there were depressing nights, but it was never pretentious in there. Everyone was struggling to find the funny. For $5 you got some shitty coffee and a heck of a lot of stage time, sometimes up to an hour! Plus the best pizza was just ten paces away. You were my first open mic, thanks for listening, Marty!

Since we’re on the topic of dead mics, I made a video montage of some of the mics that passed away much too soon. Enjoy!

R.I.P. MICS! I forgot Hooters, that was a fun one too. Some mics died out and then came back from the dead recently, like the great LA School of Comedy.


The next category is Best FEEDBACK mic. I’m not surprised that many comics haven’t done one of these. They’re not very common and sometimes it’s just thrown out casually by the host, “If you want feedback about your set, we can talk about it for a couple minutes, it’s optional.”

I always have a resistance to these because I usually don’t trust anyone else with joke-writing. I get extremely defensive about my jokes (not healthy) and opinionated, but believe it or not, it helps to hear outside ideas. Even if you reject everything, your brain is working and its forcing you to be analytical about your bit, so I recommend it…if you dare. Some comics will just run their mouth, vomiting their own version of your bit, so there’s that too. But you can just smile and nod as if to say, “Oh that’s cute, you think that’s comedy!” Or if you’re like me you’ll argue with the host until he backs off.

BEST FEEDBACK MIC

Comedian's Choice    “Challenge Mic” at The Copper Still Bar

Open Mic Reviews     Melody Bar and Grill

Honorable Mentions Fanatic Salon

Maggie Mayfield at “The Challenge Mic” This mic will really stretch your abilities and force you to explore what’s interesting in your daily life. Just grab a topic from the bucket and let ‘er rip! You might walk away with some great premises. The more open you are, the better it’ll go. Maggie is there to guide you if you get stuck. I also like how she posts pictures of comics and include a choice quote from their set.

The next category is Lottery mic. Have you mastered the art of paper folding yet? Did you drop your name in the bucket way too early? (a hearty chuckle) Oh you. You’ll learn. Those hosts never mix up the names enough. They still grab from the top, you silly person!

I think we all secretly have our own method, it’s ridiculous.

BEST LOTTERY MIC

Comedian's Choice     The Other Door

Open Mic Reviews       Genghis Cohen

Honorable Mentions     Cabo Wabo Comedy Show, Lyric Hyperion Theater

Vanessa Gritton at The Other Door.

The Other Door is a big favorite. Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton are class acts. There’s a pre-signup and plenty of bucket spots throughout the night. The bar is always lively and the hosts make you feel like you’re part of a family. 4 mics up.

The next category is the Best $5 Mic, and that sparked a comment on the survey:

No pay to play.

I have a response to this. And this goes to all of you No-Pay-To-Play fucking morons. I’m willing to spend $5 and just work on my comedy in spaces where there are no distractions. Where other like-minded serious comics are there to work. Where hosts are paying attention and give a shit, unlike you, who will spend 20 to 50 dollars in one night getting shit-faced and preaching your sanctimonious bullshit without ever improving or becoming even vaguely interesting to listen to. Have another beer, asshole. Oh, ten years went by and nobody’s joining in on your grumbling anymore? Have another drink, get high with your friends, but don’t pay to fucking play with people that only want to spend their money on COMEDY. We know what your passion is so GET FUCKED.

I won’t go to a 1-drink minimum open mic either. I only support the venues that can afford to have a bunch of free-loading comics, THEN I’LL SPEND! (Pee-Wee-Herman fart noises, dances around the room)

Go to whatever mics you want. If you get anything out of it, it’s a win. You’ll know when you’re getting ripped off. You can mute the douchebags online, and they don’t have to know.

BEST $5 MIC (or best Pay-To-Play)

Comedian's Choice     The Fourth Wall

Open Mic Reviews       Bert’s Backroom

Honorable Mentions Marty’s, Tao Comedy Studio

Rishi is probably talking about A Serbian Film at The Fourth Wall.

I am always hearing a lot of positive feedback about The Fourth Wall. I’ve been there a couple times and I dug it. I really enjoyed the Fourth Wall’s Hollywood Mobile Mic as well. Joe Manente is a great guy, and he’s got a good thing going here. Joey Diaz dropped in and he sung his praises of The Fourth Wall on Joe Rogan. You can watch the clip here.

Alright, this is a stupid category. It’s the only negative one, but you deserve to know what open mic has toppled Big Wangs from the coveted LOUDEST MIC position.

LOUDEST MIC

Comedian's Choice Flappers Bar    

Open Mic Reviews       The Surly Goat

Honorable Mentions VFW

Lot of comics pile in and crane their necks to watch the Flappers Bar open mic.

The people have spoken! There is a lot of activity going on with the showroom next door, a busy bartender, and a ton of disrespectful open mic’ers. I actually dig this mic. The large amount of people makes it exciting and it’s not impossible to win over the crowd.



NEXT UP, DIY MIC!

What a DIY mic means to me is someone who put in a tremendous effort to make their own open mic space. Or maybe it was someone else’s space, but they dragged in their shoddy gear and made it into something special. Some lights, an amp, throw pillows, a beanbag chair and a poster of Gallagher.

BEST DIY MIC

Comedian's Choice Garage Behind Food 4 Less  

Open Mic Reviews       Bert’s Backroom

Honorable Mentions VFW in Burbank, Hollywood Mobile Mic

Kyle giving it his all for 7 minutes. Victor will play you up to music, people bring snacks, there’s even a little wood platform of a stage! Located in an alley that is Howie Mandel’s worst nightmare.

Victor’s Garage Behind Food 4 Less beat out Bert’s Backroom by one vote. That’s pretty fucking cool. It truly is the punk rock space of the open mic scene, and it’s great to know it’s still going. It’s gritty and grimy and comics will piss in the alley. DIY, bitches! If this mic ever closes permanently, maybe we can get the city to declare it a comedy landmark- leave all the decorations up, garage is always open for tours!




Outdoor mics can be weird, especially in the middle of the day. Comedy was meant for a dark room, and it never feels appropriate to tell dick jokes when you can hear birds outside chirping.

BEST OUTDOOR MIC

Comedian's Choice    Simply Coffee

Open Mic Reviews       Holy Grounds Coffee and Tea

Honorable Mentions Meea’s Hot Dogs

Adam White gives out prizes at the Simply Coffee mic in Burbank. He’s extremely laid back and the mic is almost too casual, but it’s a super friendly option and not a bad way to start the day!

The next category “Best Safe Space Mic” sparked more outrage.

“Comedy dies in a safe space. Fuck this category.”

Pretty dramatic. I’m not gonna rant this time. Yeah, a safe space sounds precious and ridiculous, but after listening to dozens of comics scream the word “Faggot” on stage, I’m glad these safe spaces exist, knowing it’ll discourage the angriest/laziest comics from showing up. Yay, more fun for us!

Even the hamster is protected!

BEST SAFE SPACE MIC

Comedian's Choice     Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews       Tao Comedy Studio

Honorable Mentions “Challenge Mic” at The Cooper Still Bar, Canters “Kibitz” Room

Bobbie Oliver (not pictured above) doesn’t tolerate any hate speech at the Tao Comedy Studio. She’s really funny and I love the space. Some of the best comedians on the scene will work out stuff here.

Most open mics in Los Angeles are well attended and pretty cheap with stage time. So we get 3 minutes to shine and that’s actually plenty if you’re just starting out. But after a couple years, 3 minutes feels like nothing. You barely have time to get acquainted before launching into your 3 to 4 minute bit, so now you’re cutting corners and it better be a mic that’s worth it!

BEST 3 MINUTE MIC

Comedian's Choice     Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews       Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mentions The Anchor Bar

Nothing can compete with The World Famous Comedy Store. More on that later.

MIXED MICS.

Oh boy, looks like there’s a bunch of musicians and poets in the audience. It can be a deadly combination, and the comics are usually to blame. They love to shit on mixed mics, and I do too, from time to time. I’ve been to mixed mics that are harmonious too, where the variety of acts keeps the night exciting and fresh. Funny that most of these mixed mics are in coffee shops, which can also be some of the deadliest mics of all.

BEST MIXED MIC

Comedian's Choice Library Coffeehouse    

Open Mic Reviews       Daily Brew Coffee Bar

Honorable Mentions The Cork Lounge

Robert Zoref trying to get people to look up from their laptops at The Library Coffeehouse.

This place is brutal, but a Long Beach favorite. There’s never a shortage of college students trying to study, ready to ignore with headphones and icy stares. Every 100 sets you might stumble onto something magical. Every once in awhile, they listen. Break through to this crowd and you’ll feel like a champion. You rock this room once and you’ll keep coming back to see if it’s possible again.

“Hey guys, in 5 minutes we’re gonna have an open mic!” The angry side look is captured perfectly.

BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC

Comedian's Choice     Toasted and Roasted

Open Mic Reviews       Daily Brew Coffee Bar

Honorable Mentions Royal Cup Cafe, The Library Coffeehouse

Daily Brew Coffee Bar in Montebello is a hidden gem.

I just want to wish a quick CONGRATULATIONS to Toasted and Roasted. I haven’t been back since Jonathan and Mark took over, but I’m glad it’s getting the majority vote.

I picked Daily Brew Coffee bar because it’s a terrific mixed mic. There’s always a supportive crowd that is really hyped for every act- it’s a great time.

Speaking of crowds…

BEST AUDIENCE

Comedian's Choice     Comedy Store Potluck TIED with Westside Comedy Theater

Open Mic Reviews       Cabo Wabo Cantina

Honorable Mentions Lab at The Hollywood Improv

Michael hosting a late night Cabo Wabo Cantina mic. You’ll find plenty of people here. There are barkers on Hollywood Blvd to get customers in and it pays off. The open mic itself is the usual late night insanity, but if you can get up it’s a great audience!

Moving along….

BEST BAR MIC

Comedian's Choice The Anchor Bar   

Open Mic Reviews        The Offbeat Bar

Honorable Mentions Chatterbox, Bruddah’s Bar

The Anchor Bar is one of the best. It’s a tight space full of customers that are ready to watch comedy and drink. It’s also a great hang outside, many friendships begin out there.

If you haven’t tried The Anchor Bar yet, you ought to. Yeah, it’s a drive and there’s a wait, but you’ll love that crowd.

BEST THEATER MIC

Comedian's Choice     Westside Comedy Theater

Open Mic Reviews       Westside Comedy Theater

Honorable Mentions The Pack

Westside Comedy Theater has the best layout. Always excited to be here.

The Westside Comedy Theater is always packed with locals and comics, the room is fantastic and it’s probably the most fun I’ve had on any stage. It hurts not to get up, this place is my drug of choice.

BEST ALL-COMIC MIC

Comedian's Choice     Fourth Wall

Open Mic Reviews       Genghis Cohen

Honorable Mentions Royal Cup Cafe, Bert’s Backroom

Genghis Cohen is my favorite lottery/all-comic open mic in Los Angeles. It’s always full and surprisingly supportive. It can go long, sure, but it’s a good space and there are very few distractions. They usually draw 3 to 4 names at a time, so you at least have a heads-up on the potential wait ahead of you. I think multiple hosts are a wise choice for this one too- good to break things up a bit.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I know what you’re saying.

I have a diarrhea fart joke that’s 8 minutes long, but all these LA mics only offer THREE.

I CAN’T TRIM DIARRHEA FARTS!


Well, fart no further!

BEST MIC FOR A LONGER SET

Comedian's Choice     Bruddah’s Bar (8-10 minutes)

Open Mic Reviews    The Cork Lounge (8 minutes)  

Honorable Mentions Liquid Zoo (10 minutes), The Lost Bean (10 minutes)

This Hawaiian bar in Gardena is a lot of fun, and Erik Escobar is one of the nicest guys on the scene. Cheap beers, yummy food, a good-sized audience and a lengthy set.

BEST COMEDY CLUB MIC

Comedian's Choice Hollywood Improv “Lab Work”   

Open Mic Reviews       The Comedy Store “Potluck”

Honorable Mentions The Rec Room in Huntington Beach

Ken Garr hosting at The Lab, probably plugging his Vegas dates to a bunch of frustrated open mic’ers. The Hollywood Improv is pretty awesome, it’s always packed, it’s nice and dark and busting up this many comics will make you feel like a comedy God. Or Ken Garr!

I procrastinate a lot, to the point where I don’t have enough time to make it to 5:30 sign-ups. It’s nice to have late-night options and a last stop for the night.

BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice     Fourth Wall TIED with Next Stage

Open Mic Reviews       The Cinema Bar

Honorable Mentions Liquid Zoo

The Cinema Bar! Every time I time I think I’m going to arrive late, its just starting. John Davenport and Serafina Costanza are mighty good hosts. Going after hecklers and butting heads with schmucky comedians. It’s intimate and unpredictable.

BEST DAYLIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice     The Fourth Wall

Open Mic Reviews    Lyric Hyperion Theater   

Honorable Mentions Open Space

Lyric Hyperion Theater/Hipster Central.

I like the Lyric because it’s well run and supportive. It’s a quiet room too, so the attention on the performer is really focused. It can be tough bombing in here, or even tougher listening to the excessive amount of snark, but it’s the best mic in Silverlake.

BEST OC MIC

Comedian's Choice     The Anchor Bar

Open Mic Reviews        The Rec Room

Honorable Mentions The Harp Inn

Beau performs his first set ever at The Rec Room.

I AM biased because I work and perform at The Rec Room quite a bit. That said, everybody WILL get up. Jason is a fantastic host, he keeps it moving, and the space is great. I especially like the end of the mic where he encourages the remaining 10 people in the room to move up a row or two, so the comics that have been waiting 2+ hours can get a fair shake. It can be cliquey and in-jokey at times with friends yelling out, but it’s really supportive.

Now on to the bad behavior mics!

My original pitch for this drawing was “A half-naked comedian using a microphone stand as an extension of his penis, while making a battle cry into the microphone.” I just want to say that the artist misinterpreted my pitch for this drawing in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE. One of those happy accidents that made it completely insane. God I love that comedian.

BEST MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR

Comedian's Choice     Marty’s

Open Mic Reviews       The Next Stage in Los Angeles

Honorable Mentions The Harp Inn, Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Next Stage is a temple of depravity in Hollywood. It’s a great place to get fucked up and rant to a bunch of comics who are nodding off in their park bench seats.

Ugggh.

BEST LA MIC

Comedian's Choice     Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews       Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mentions Hollywood Improv Lab

There is nothing like performing in the Original Room at The Comedy Store. It’s electric. Even bombing is exhilarating. If you go up late enough, there can be a really great audience. Getting the comics in the back to crack up can feel like a triumph. So much history and when that neon star lights up my heart starts pumping. A truly intense 3 minutes.

BEST STAGE

Comedian's Choice     Original Room at The Comedy Store

Open Mic Reviews       Westside Comedy Theater

Honorable Mentions Ice House In Pasadena

Sorry if this is getting redundant. Let’s take a break and focus on some out-of-town mics!

BEST MIC THAT’S WORTH THE 2+ HOUR DRIVE

Comedian's Choice     Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego

Open Mic Reviews       Mel’s Lounge in Santa Barbara

Honorable Mentions La Jolla Comedy Store, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club

Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego recently relocated, but this was a really cool spot. A lot of audience members would hang out after the show to watch the mic.

Naysayers, “No mic is worth a 2 Hour Drive-” SHADDUP! In some states, you have to drive two hours to get to ANY open mic.

Mel’s Cocktail Lounge in Santa Barbara is another winner. Totally unexpected gem. Packed with locals and they’re all into the mic. Out-of-towners get priority 10 minute spots- a generous touch.

BEST MIC FOR A NEWBIE

Comedian’s Choice The Fourth Wall

Open Mic Reviews The Fourth Wall

Honorable Mentions Royal Cup Cafe

So much love for The Fourth Wall. It makes sense, Joe Manente is extremely welcoming and has a boisterous laugh if he thinks you’re funny. He keeps it upbeat and fun.

Speaking of redundant, I had a big old brain fart while putting these categories together.. you voted on it, so here we go again…

BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET

Comedian’s Choice Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews Royal Cup Cafe

Honorable Mentions Marty’s TIED with Fourth Wall

Ryan Schooley hosting at Royal Cup. One of the friendliest mics in Long Beach.

The Royal Cup Cafe in Long Beach has a strange room in the back filled with weird art and junk. Ryan Schooley and Patrick Bucher have turned it into a really welcoming workshop mic. One of my favorite places to try out new jokes.

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for. The BEST HOSTS category! To hear the winners, click on this audio file! OR you can scroll down if you want to spoil it for yourself.

THE CHOICE…IS UP TO YOU…...

BEST HOST/HOSTS

Comedian's Choice- Joe Manente for The Fourth Wall

OPEN MIC REVIEWS- Rachel Cuthbert for Bert's Backroom

HONORABLE MENTION- Evan Cassidy (The Cass Man) for The Anchor Bar

A quick word on Joe Manente…he is the man. God I loved that Hollywood Mobile mic, what a great idea. He’s already expanded The Fourth Wall to a second location, he live streams some of the mics, and he’s currently working on membership options- this guy has ideas and he’s making a lot of comics happy.

Rachel Cuthbert put together Bert’s Back Room with very little and she has found an innovative way to keep comics engaged for a short period of time. Her honesty on stage and contagious laugh just make it a delight. The convenient online sign up and Instagram posts have made it sort of a networking thing for comics too. I can glance at a sign up sheet and say, “Hey, I’d like to drop in and see these comics!” Pretty cool. Then her constant posting of Instagram clips has helped me remember new names. You can pay for several slots a day and always have a new audience of comics.

Evan Cassidy has built up one of the best spaces imaginable. He knows how to deal with hecklers and some how juggles hundreds of comics, every Monday, week after week for 6 hours at a time. The guy is a fucking animal! He’s been at this since 2011, so mad respect for The Cass Man.

Scroll down for a “group picture” of the winners!

SPECIAL AWARD

BEST FLYER

We’ve all done shitty cut-and-paste photoshop jobs. Let’s give it up to the real artists that actually make art! You’ve seen this guy’s work all over Facebook. He has a great sense of humor to go with his colorful style. A friend of mine was describing the Garage mic poster with the snails and cracking up. I started seeing his work everywhere, and it’s great stuff- no contest.

Comedian’s Choice- Josh Sude for various open mic flyers.

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Open Mic Reviews- Bernice Ashikian for various open mic flyers

Berenice really nailed this Royal Cup Cafe flyer- that looks exactly like the room!

I picked Berenice because I dig her psychedelic rock style and some of the imagery reminds me of Crumb comics or Daniel Johnston’s art. Pretty fucking cool. She’s also made some kickass logos for a few comedy related projects.

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And a quick shout-out to my wonderful cartoonist for brightening up this blog. I still don’t know his name and he hasn’t give me any of his info, but you can find him on the awesome fiverr app/site that allows you to hire talent for $5 and up. His username is adnielk.

LET THE WINNERS KNOW YOU APPRECIATE THEM! A HEARTY HANDSHAKE AND A THUMBS UP!

Before I close this blog out, I want to share some open mic recommendations from a few top-notch comedians. They’re everywhere on the scene, so you can trust them!

Andrea Gazzetta- Chatterbox in Covina, The Ice House in Pasadena, and The Witchy Mic at The Offbeat Bar in Los Angeles (started in October every other Monday)

Kelly Ryan- Oak’s Tavern in Sherman Oaks, Ice House in Pasadena, Genghis Cohen in Los Angeles.

Chris Chaisson- Maui Sugar Mill Saloon is a good one. Mixed mic in Tarzana, 5 to 7 minutes (usually more), host does a feature spot every week that's 25 minutes. There's also Mel's Lounge in Santa Barbara where you can do 10 to 12 minutes. It's a long drive but they give priority spots. There are a lot of non-comics at both mics and they're into the comedy.

Heather Marulli- Set List On Thursdays at The Pack in Los Angeles (improvise off topic, great for writing on stage), The Shit Show on Fridays at The Fanatic Salon (that one often has some real audience in it so it's good for working stuff out)

Zac Elk- - Worthington’s in Riverside, The Joke Gym (Wherever it goes) - Clown House in DTLA. R.I.P. to Flappers (Claremont)

Daniel Zambrano runs Orange County Stand-Up on Instagram. He weighs in with some of his favorites:

1. Royal Cup Cafe in Long Beach: Whether you're a regular at the mic or a newcomer, the supportive atmosphere this room has built sets it a part from the others. Having a room seperate from the rest of the establishment, and it being an intimate, close space at that, makes it a perfect place to build confidence in new bits.

2. Fathers Pub in Santa Ana. A place that’s often a "Hit & Miss" or a "Miss &, I'm scared now, & never going to come back". Its unapologetically raw but simple, either adapt to how the room will accept you and work with how much attention they are willing to give you, or sink and try again later. It deters a lot of comedians away because it isn’t inviting, the regulars there aren’t there for comedy, but its a great breeding ground to grow that muscle that commands the audience’s attention by sheer willpower. The extra time that’s given really helps that. Having a host like Ramon Hernandez who helps tame the beast as much as he can with energy has really helped this mic turn around in 2018.

3. Vee Bentleys post show open mics. Although they aren’t yet weekly, and it might be a tad too early to really say they were super solid, they've probably had the best turnout of actual folk at the mics out of every OC mic barring Anchor Bar. Her eye for a room has been spot on thus far and it’s really helped both the booked shows and open mic after as the comics leave with a sense of satisfaction and excitement for the next one. She still needs to work her chops up as a host, but they are events that can only get better with the right TLC & venue cooperation. With that, all the shows have been no item minimum and have gone on as long as the lists have been, so the future is bright.

RANDOM Shout-Outs

San Francisco

There was a ton of praise for TK Moyer and his open mic. I’ve never been to a Bay Area mic, but his non-comedian fans wouldn’t stop bugging me about it, so he’s either fantastic at running a mic or an outstanding cult leader.

Bee Henry- Edinburgh Castle Pub is beyond my favorite open mic in the Bay Area. It doesn’t even feel like an open mic at this point, it feels like a crazy energetic showcase. TK Moyer does a truly fantastic job producing and hosting. As a female comedian making the rounds of open mics, I not only feel comfortable and safe there, but genuinely respected and supported, and that’s hard to come by. It’s a real treasure.”

TK Moyer wins everything, now leave me alone.

Santa Cruz

Rosie McCann’s Open Mic run by DNA (great dude)

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Sisyphus Brewing

A SPECIAL thanks to our guest announcer Jeremiah Watkins!

If you’d like to hear more about open mics from Jeremiah, here’s a quick interview we did awhile back. I found it very inspirational.

THAT’S IT! SEE YOU ON THE BATTLEFIELD, EVERYBODY!

Oh, and sorry Jason. :(

Always Bombing

I can’t believe it. The pain finally subsided. That was rough man. I have to get a tooth extracted after the holidays and that’s not even the one that just tortured me for the last hour. Turning screws into my gums, I just wanted to enjoy a slider from work! Who eats while they’re in pain, that’s no fun.

It made me wish I was bombing on stage. That kind of pain is ok. I can deal with an audience staring at me during one of my confusing act-outs with maximum levels of flailing. But I can’t block out the pain of tooth #3.

A picture of my jacked up tooth.

I can fix the teeth. I can fix my reputation. I can’t fix that joke. Time to extract it.

Bombing in the moment, it feels like it’s all over and I let everybody down. My friends on the show. The booker, well, that’s a one and fuck you, you’re done. That one comic that I’ve been wanting to meet and now this is their first impression of me. The couple that I met before the show, they were so excited for me. They didn’t say goodbye on the way out. Even the servers were disappointed, they could feel the awkwardness in the club while dropping off cocktails.

There are many comics that I look up to that have ONLY seen me bomb. People I really like, but I only run into them every 6 months. I want them to know that I’m a pretty funny guy, but yes, I also bomb huge when it goes wrong. Spin the wheel on any given week and there’s gonna be a bomb. Those people always see me bomb. Then I have a good set, but they left early- shit! If you pay attention to shit like this then you’re crazy like me. I have a handful of names that I want to impress because I love funny people. I want to be funny with them.

Posting about bombing on Facebook sounds like a cry for help, but I just think it’s interesting. I know I’m fine, I bomb all the time, it’s part of the work. Maybe non-comics and family members think, “Oh, standup is just not for you Marty.” It’s hard to explain that I have to be terrible to get anywhere. That’s what we forget, we all fucking bomb, but mentioning it is like admitting you’re a shitty comedian or something. It shouldn’t matter online anyway, when you do good at mics, people notice, that’s that. Wait, this guy just admitted he bombed, forget it. I didn’t realize he dabbled in failure, I’ll book Neel Nanda instead. I like to reference Neel Nanda, I haven’t seen him in years. I’m pretty sure Neel Nanda has only seen me bomb.

I’m having the sudden realization here that everyone hates my guts. I’m usually making this face when it happens, I swear!

I’m not gonna post how I kill. I don’t kill, I don’t destroy, I have good sets. I don’t know how to destroy yet. Seems like a lot of comedians do, but I don’t do that, believe me. I’ve seen professionals wait a minute on stage to start their next joke because the room was too busy howling. That seems like a bonafide murder. That’s a killer.

Sometimes the room isn’t with me, but then I’ll see a random couple laughing their asses off through an entire bit. They liked my Metallica routine or they like the horror movie stuff. I just caught a sneak preview of my future fans. They’re out there, just gotta trust myself. Keep writing the stupid stuff that makes me laugh. Do the comedy I want to do. Eat plenty of shit on stage to get there.

I bombed in San Diego harder than I’ve ever bombed in my life. It’s worse when you feel it happening and it’s so strong it interrupts your joke. I actually stopped because it was overwhelming. I started talking about how it wasn’t going well. I insisted a woman in the front row hated me. I dug myself deeper. I sounded insincere when talking about a charity. My jokes floundered. I fucked up other comic’s intros. I got the light 10 minutes early. I bought an audience member a beer and even that gesture looked back-handed. I guess I killed after all, but not in a good way.

The other comics avoided eye contact while it was happening, just listening to me drown. Nobody liked me. Then I did it a SECOND TIME in the same night. It really shook me to the core. Thank Christ I didn’t record it, one of the few fucks ups that paid off, I don’t have to quote my bombing to you verbatim. Believe me it…was…the…WURST. (seven assholes have a heart-attack from laughing so hard)

Every week is different. My ego inflates after a string of minor victories. Then the inevitable bombing sideswipes me a day later, hurling me backwards into the shit. There’s that feeling of, well now my friends don’t think I’m capable of being funny. They’ll forget I was ever good! I did everything we usually mock at open mics. I didn’t trust myself. I got caught up in the words. I never looked at the audience. Fuck, I thought I had it all figured out! Guess I’m starting over again.

Here’s a short documentary I shot about a group of comics dealing with a tougher than usual gig. Bombing seemed like the only option, even though our booker insisted that “If people don’t laugh, you are not bombing.”

We all enjoy watching our friends bomb right? Come on! Yeah you do. I love seeing my talented friends fall from grace every once in awhile, it makes us equals. Or puts me slightly on top, haha! (high-fives nobody)

Understanding the pain, that’s what brings us together.

Just remember, you’re not alone. I saw you bomb. Maybe you saw me bomb. It know it’s awful. I’m sure you’re very good, just not that time. Huh. Next time was actually a little worse. Well, it happens. Three times is definitely not a charm. ….uh-oh.

On second thought, I’ll never bomb as hard as you- YEEEEEEEESH! (pulls collar, makes farting noises)

Here’s a clip of me bombing through a half-idea that I can’t seem to articulate or say in an interesting manner!

And here’s a video of me bombing more. Happy Thanksgiving!

Douchebags Helping Douchebags

Douchiest thing I've heard on stage this week:

"You ever been on a set of a web series and all they have is a veggie platter?"

I just sat at a mic for 2 1/2 hours. I got pulled 2nd to last. It was an eternal struggle to muster any energy for my own material, I almost shit on a comedian that went up before me. Never a good idea. Should I comment on how their mic is run? Definitely not. Am I allowed to punch a wall after the 2-hour mark? Relax man, every open mic'r goes through this, I'm not special.

I step outside for a couple minutes. That's the best idea. Take a few deep breaths, get some fresh air. Regroup, look over the jokes I want to do. Go back in.

I gotta take a break from this open mic and have a James Dean moment. Everyone hates my jacket- my comic identity is not working. Who the fuck am I? Why are you taking my picture? I'm sooo MIZ--WAH-BULLLL.

The set goes ok, but now I'm a major tool if I leave before the last comic goes up. I want those 5 minutes, I want to run out to my car and peel out, but this poor jerk has been waiting longer than me. So I watch the set and be supportive. Does anyone get a prize for sitting through an entire mic? I know that sounds funny, all of us should be supporting the open mic, but that was a fucking marathon. Almost everyone else bounced, it's just part of the game. I don't have to stay, but I know how it feels to perform to two people, so every once in awhile I stay.

When I started standup I was overly supportive. I thought that was how it worked. I'd watched people pop in, do their set and leave immediately. I'd think, what the fuck? What a bunch of assholes! There's three people watching and everyone else is hanging out in the other room. Oh Marty, you ignorant lass. I didn't know about the grind then. Multiple mics, pop-ins, favors, favoritism, clicks, and networking whores. Then me, a shitty amateur that doesn't even know he's shitty yet.

A lot of comics have a built-in audience. 3 friends that laugh at everything they say. It's a packaged deal, they turn up to mics together. They call their friends out in the audience and make in-jokes. Haha, I just laughed at how silly I'm being on stage! (mugs their way to victory)

After awhile they start to sound the same too. It's like the valley girl equivalent for standups. Their voice goes up and it sounds like a question....but it's noooot? Kill me now. 

That's usually what they end on, kill me now or fuck my life.

Fuck your life? You're booked on every show asshole! You've duped enough people to believe that you're funny, you're doing great!

I hate it when I've been sitting for an hour and a bunch of comics arrive late and add their names to the bucket. Then they get drawn before me. Man it's a huge bitchslap. Fucking lottery...the worst.

I start going back to that paper-folding theory. Throw your name in last, they forget to mix it up and keep picking paper off the top!  When you sign up first come, first served on a list it's different. Showing up late and then having to go dead-last isn't a big deal, it's not like you're bumping anybody because of your yuk-cred. Unless the host just desperately wants to go home or whatever, but going last is rarely a good thing. 

Going with friends can help. My friends don't always laugh at my bullshit, trust me. I have to be pretty spontaneous or have a new joke up my sleeve. But we might as well suffer together, so we can vent about it later, share a story, talk about the people we saw. So if you've made any friends in this ghastly scene, do yourself a favor- GO TOGETHER. It's a whole different experience. Going to multiple mics and hearing everyone's perspective is great. First impressions, comics you may have noticed, the host, random hilarity. Good to share all those things on the drive. You might as well go to war together.

There was a point where I started getting more than 1 show every couple a months. Multiple shows. I got over eager and wanted to invite friends out to some of these dive bars. Now I wish I could just be a total dick and make flyers with all my dates, with a little Asterix next to the shows that are in nice venues. A skull and cross bones to represent venues with possible rat infestations (more on that later)

I hate it when a friend decides to advertise with an invite riddled with curse words and then tags me. "PLEASE COME OUT TO THE SHOW YA FUCKING CUNTS, IT'S GONNA BE A OFF THE CHIZZ-ARTS...dickholes are fun!"

You're not helping me dude. Most of my friends are pushing forty and you sound like an asshole. This isn't eye-candy advertising,

"Your flyer with the shit-covered toilet really spoke to me, I had to come out and support! At the very least check out the bathroom!"

But yeah, a lot of the bar shows I'll just post on Facebook and Instagram, lazy effort, but it's out there. I don't have my own fanbase yet, sorry! 

This old man named Barry opened up his set with how God hates faggots and that he knows one thing's for sure, Jesus wasn't gay. Then he proceeded to act out a bit about Moses (For a second I thought he was trying to do an old Cosby bit from Carson) and lead with a flamboyant limp-wrist impression. The worst part of it was the stupid woman that was supporting him, clapping and laughing the whole time. They had come to the mic together of course.

"Praise God!" she said.

"Why don't they just get some pussy- I don't understand this faggot shit!"

"HAK-HAK-HAK-HAK-HAK," the friend laughs, looking around as if to say- he's amazing!

I was so angry that I couldn't let it go for the next 30 minutes, plotting how to destroy these fuckheads. What tactic should I use? A joke about Jesus sucking cock? What's the ultimate trigger for this piece of shit? How would he feel if I went up on stage and did his own material back to him, but replaced Faggot with another slur? Oh boy. Yeah, I would be banned for life and I would probably have all the time in the world to write these blogs. Fighting anger with anger. Slur with slur. I'd destroy myself before getting through to this guy.

A comic went up a little later and addressed Barry's set with some jokes about Jesus masturbating, and that helped me calm down a bit. I just didn't want to have to perform for these idiots, they sat in the front row for the entire mic. 

Later I watched an arrogant dude named Drake eat chips on stage- he was also angry about certain groups of people that were left unnamed. What the fuck is with this place? Everyone wants to share their deepest hatred here. When the host lighted him he said,

"Yeah, I see it, go away."

After he sat back down he vaped from his seat. There's your poster boy right there, vapers.

How the hell do you recover from watching so much toxic waste? Am I weak because I let this shit affect me? I'm not writing a gotcha blog, I see this at mics all the time. But I step away, try to calm down and then still attempt to be funny. I don't make a scene..even though I want revenge immediately and my face feels red hot. I can't even appreciate the jokes coming out of the next comic's mouth- whether it's good or not, because I'm temporarily paralyzed- the venom rushing through my body. The kettle will boil1` for hours, but I try to compose myself on stage and not make things worse..or God forbid, awwwwkwarrrd? I can turn my brain off most of the time and endure all the predictable misogyny, the gay jokes, the little people jokes, race race race, "fuck you guys for not laughing, that's funny!!"

I'm worried about the long-term effect. Will it affect my relationship, to the point where I start to turn on Claire? 

It was just one night man, shake it off.

I got pretty close to snapping the other night. A group of bumblefucks were sitting in Shanghai'd during the open mic and made a game out of cheering or clapping really loud every time someone came out of the bathroom. Because that's what's funny in high-five culture. They kept doing it and it would totally derail whatever joke the comic was doing. They did it once, then twice during my set and I got really angry. I'm weird when I'm angry.

I got back to the jokes and had an ok dismount, but that's kind of the worst part. If I'm funny, then these douchebags come out and pretend to be my friend, like the nerd that gets a pass because he did everybody's homework. Yeah, I was funny for you, don't worry about it. You guys are great at fantasy football and rape, that's your thing! I'll do the jokes. 

One guy clapped me on the back,

"WORST!"

Die soon buddy. Die soon. You can always single out the bullies in the audience, they love my last name- they've been bullies all their life.

We just went to a mic where they have rats. We saw them, they were running past the curtain. Two separate incidents and nobody was talking about it. My buddy Kenny was just about bursting, the excitement in his eyes, just wanting to get on stage and address it. I filmed him just in case he really flew off the handle or got some backlash. If anything, the audience was still pretending it didn't happen.

It's been a few days and the depression comes creeping back again. I watched Drag Me To Hell last night. It has one of my favorite downbeat endings. Alison Lohman is cursed and the demons will never leave her alone and at the end they're literally dragging her down to hell. Yeah, I think it relates to standup, haha it can get pretty fucking grim. How long can I keep running away from these bastards?

I feel like these blogs bring out the WURST in me!

You get it? YOU FUCKING GET IT?

(resumes gang-bang, high-fives all around through waves of idiotic laughter)

The Resentful Open Micer

Let's start with the demons:

This person has seen me do well, but they never book me. They must hate me or my comedy. They keep pulling from the same circle of friends. Oh, they're booking other producers, movers and shakers, I get it. You book me, I book you. 

A first-year comic that brings 20 people. That's every producer's friend.

Ok, maybe they work hard AND they deserve it, but FUCK. THEM.

The rage of jealousy. Who is more deserving? Who is funnier?

I started working harder on my material and good things started happening.

Oh, is that how it works? I wasn't making an impression with my mediocrity, frequent bitching and fizzle-outs?

I'd be on stage feeling a bit wasn't going well and then jump ship,

"Alright, we'll just move onto the next thing." (20-second pause while I search my beer-battered brain for the next bit)

My biggest bombs have been with human interactions. Other comics that I just met...or think I just met. The fist-bumping, awkward half hug, handshake nightmare that’s never consistent. Sometimes it feels like an audition, I only have 30 seconds to prove that I’m funny and I’m not an alien. I usually fail both tests AND offend the person as a bonus! 

My ideal exchange is being silly with someone and it’s not a joke-off for seniority, we just have a mutual appreciation for stupid. I can let my guard down and be myself. It's hard though, I have to train myself to relax, remind myself it’s ok to just listen and not try to make an impression, or run over someone else's thoughts with my forced input. Stop crapping on comics I barely know.

I’ve been doing obnoxious/quirky shit for so long that I forget it’s a part of me- I make car sound effects when I dart past someone. I make sound effects when I give my debit card to the cashier. The fuck is wrong with me?

I play out hypothetical arguments IN MY HEAD. I'm getting worked up from imaginary interactions. It stems from one or two poisonous relationships. Why am I trying to be friends with someone so disagreeable? Why do I keep saying hi when they clearly want nothing to do with me? I want to be liked so bad, but it’s time to let that shit go. Maybe I just don't like the idea of ignoring someone that I used to talk to. A comedy ex.

“I don’t know the meaning of success, but I do know the meaning of failure. It’s when I try to make everybody love me.”

-a sign hanging up in Sammy Davis Jr.’s dressing room.

Wow. I’m glad I stumbled onto that one.

Comedy Groups on Facebook only stir the pot. So much sarcasm. Everyone has a snarky reply. I feel bad for the newbies because they’re obsessed with their very first set and already they want constant reassurance.

Let me share the joke I did and you tell me that it’s great and that I did the right thing- here's a clip. 

They’re still getting over the fear of DOING standup, while I'm complaining about not getting up enough! 

There are some godawful mics that will ultimately make me feel worse, but I still want to reach my minimum quota of 4 mics a week. Anything less and I feel like a piece of unproductive shit. 

The battle to keep cool continues. Listening to a host shit on another comic. How many comics in a row have a hacky race joke? This goldmine was exhausted by the 80's, but I guess research limits your output. Another smelly homeless person story. Trump impressions. Women are craaaazy. Complaining how you can't say faggot or dancing around the possibility of saying the N-Word. I'm so mis-er-a-bleeeee.

I write entries like this as if I have a fucking grasp on it, but I really don't. I bomb and I bomb and I bomb. I struggle to be myself. I rub a lot of people the wrong way. I have a long way to go.

Just give me stage time, anywhere, and I'll work at getting better. I'm trying to figure out these pesky act-outs. I have to commit to these 3-4 minute bits while most onlookers watch me stone-faced, or never look up from their phones. I feel disconnected all the time and I have to push myself to make eye contact.

Jeremiah Watkins told me to do that a couple years ago and it's still a struggle. I want to avert my eyes from any judgement. Fear is still holding me back.

Here's my jittery interview with him at The Comedy Store. It's 14 minutes and it's definitely worthwhile if you're feeling frustrated about open mics- let's go down the inspirational path for a moment...shall we?

I'm way older than Jeremiah, but I admire the guy and he's got a ton of mileage on me, so I couldn't help but be a nervous wreck and call him a Comedy God, haha. I was really pleased with his answers though and I hope you find some inspiration here, especially regarding attitudes and doing shows.

I think it is good to do as many shows as possible and there's nothing better than getting a Facebook message at 1 in the morning for a booking. I love filling up that calendar. You can throw any shit-show at me and I still get excited, especially when the flyer comes out.

I can walk into the worst case scenario:

You can’t turn off the televisions because there’s a game on- fine! 

Jukebox is staying on, fine! 

The bartender is having loud conversations with the customers, fine! 

Some guy is playing pool, ok! 

The sound cuts in and out, fine! 

The disco lights are distracting, fine! 

The other comics are talking outside, fine! 

The customers have to cross the stage to use the bathroom, fine, I'll make it work! I still get 10 minutes though, right? Hmm, I wonder if I can get them to listen, wouldn't that be something?

A week ago, my Dad and my stepmom had a stop in LA before going back to Hawaii. We met up at the Old World Village Market near my work. I told my dad about my first Door Guy spot and how my dirty joke got a laugh break and then he asked me to tell him the joke. I was hesitant, it was just weird because we were standing in this German marketplace and he had a basket filled with jars of peppers and mustard. I suppose the perfect setting for a dick joke.

I told him the joke and he was quiet. Then he was shaking. I saw him laugh through his squinting eyes and he said, “Did you write that? That’s pretty good.”

I don’t know why I even hesitated, the guy makes innuendos 24-7. At dinner he showed me a vacation photo where his ass was hanging out. Like me, he hesitated to share the joke for about 2 seconds. Then he got a laugh out of me. It's like we're both afraid to have our childish sense of humor shot down, the thing we hold dearest.

He's had my back through all my dumb decisions. DJ, Actor, Filmmaker. I’ve been on the wrong path before, so there’s always that possibility that I’m being delusional again. I took 4 years of my life to complete and eventually quit on a feature film and there’s that fear that I’m going to look back at my standup work and realize...shit, I was wrong again. The work is sloppy, amusing at best. Why did I think that I could do this?

That’s not the case though. I can do this. I don’t have to wait to go to a screening to see if these jokes work, I can just invade a dive bar mic on any given night with a handful of thoughts. Sometimes it's just a chuckle on the setup of the premise- oh ok. Maybe it's worth pursuing. That only took 30 seconds. Go back tomorrow for part 2 of 2,000- the development of this fine ball-accident joke.

The shows build up my confidence again. People that are specifically coming out for a comedy show are enjoying my set and for once I'm not seeking the approval of some asshole looking down on their phone. The work has paid off, but there's still so much more to do.

It’s the technical year. Compiling a consistent 5 minute act. 7 minutes. 10. 15. Logical segues and seamless transitions. Moving around comfortably in a professional setting. What is the line to open with? I say “Hey guys” and it never goes well. Immediately a bad impression. I usually come off best when I comment on something that has nothing to do with my pre-planned jokes- a little acknowledgement, maybe the setting or a callback to a funnier comedian’s bit. Always a positive statement, nothing backhanded. I can't stand comedians that shit on the venue when they're getting paid to be there. 

Right now I’m obsessed with the first word, Do I say hi? What’s up guys? Give it up for yourselves! I’m thinking of trying “Thank you” as if to say, Thank you for allowing me to get THIS far. Now let's see if I can make you laugh.

I made a promo video for my first Rec Room spot as a Door Guy. I love doing stupid shit like this at 2 in the morning.

I'd say 90% of the time I drag myself out of my self-loathing and get in the car, the night takes a turn for the better. I start singing in the car, making up my own lyrics, warming up my voice for the eventual set- maybe two if I'm lucky. Sometimes it goes horrible, but I still run into some fantastic people- totally worth it. Venturing out of my circle of friends usually leads to an interesting night. 

Every once in awhile someone comes up to me and mentions my website or open mic reviews. A couple guys handed me cash- unbelievable. That's pretty awesome. Sometimes the host will mention the critic thing in my intro and I'll get embarrassed because I don't want comedians to get the wrong idea, like it makes me think I deserve something. I just want to run my jokes too. I do occasionally scream, "No, no, NOOOOO!" during your set and shred pieces of paper, but it's only because I'm signaling to the host that I'm going to write the nastiest review unless I receive SPOTS. So don't jerk me around.

I've been pretty harsh at times, but I think a lot of mics are just excuses to get high with friends and that's just not my thing. I get annoyed when a fucked up host wastes time talking shit. No material, just ranting, spewing bile in every direction. There's a reason experienced comics never turn up to these mics. It's not because they're fucking hipsters, they have better places to be! This mic is depressing.

I fucking hate these people...where's the joke?  Freedom of speech my ass, say something that'll surprise everyone, I dare you. I dare you to write a good joke to back up that statement. That would blow everyone's mind, believe me. I just want to leave these people behind forever. Ranting open micers are BORING. 

Ugh, who wants to read this shit?  JUST BE FUNNY!!!!!

BE NICE. BE FUNNY. WORK HARD.

I'm going to end this entry with something fun.

Luis is 17. We call him the intern. He's a bright guy and extremely funny for his age. He complains a lot like a whiny kid who constantly feels left out and talks a big game just to get a reaction. He's doing standup and who knows if he'll actually stick it out, but it seems like he's found a home with us weirdos...at least at the coffee shop mics or places he's allowed into. Here's an example of his sense of humor.

Recently he posted this on Instagram:

This flyer looks legit for an open mic. Minimal effort and the necessary information. 

We should've known what this kid was up to, but we wanted to believe this mic existed so bad and why doubt the kid? Maybe he'll give us a featured spot, haha. Weirder mics have existed. Anyway, these are the comments that followed:

Here's some links to some past blog entries:

My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows

My First and Worst Year: Westwood Brewco and Onward (the beginning)

My First and Worst Year: Producing a Show

Year 2: The Worst Comedian

Year 2: The Worst Comedian (Part 2)

I Think I Figured Out This Comedy Thing

11/30/17

4 years 4 months later…

I drove home on the 405, singing to The Beach Boys "Barbara Ann" like an asshole, alternating on the harmonies. I’ve been singing along to this song since I graduated from Maui High School (Class of '98 brah!) and I always get swept up in the happiest of memories. The Beach Boys are laughing while they’re singing, totally unprofessional. Musicians trying to be funny...when will they ever learn? There's a time and place- when you're in the studio performing, you BE PROFESSIONAL!

So what do you guys think I should write about?

I’m happy now because I hit two mics and I had fun at both of them. I feel good about what I’m doing. I occasionally THINK that and then some miserable mic sets me back a thousand years and I don’t know shit all over again. Wait, I think I just figured this- SMACK! I’m starting to get comedy now-WOMP! Last year I didn’t know dick, this year, I finally found my voi-BLOPFUK!

I’m becoming more and more relaxed, putting hundreds of hours of bombing in. Keeping my expectations low, trying to have fun and BE GOOFIER. Trust myself to be more spontaneous and not just saying the words that are over-rehearsed, trying to find new words to paint the picture. Then occasionally phoning it in, but acknowledging it, like when you stray away from meditation with distracting thoughts. Now Marty, take a deep breath and just get back on track when you can...you dildo. You can look up that classic Sesame Street clip AFTER you’ve finished your meditation. You can try to tell your joke in a fresh way at the next mic. Now visualize your dick jokes slapping across the street like a game of Frogger…

Sometimes I’m so desperate for approval of a new bit I’ll ask Claire to watch me. It’s usually pretty painful, but she’s a good gauge of what’s godawful or she’ll see the potential in a bit and try to contribute. Then I’ll shut her down real quick because who’s the comedian here, right? I really think she believes in me (because she told me she believes in me, in those words) but sometimes I just want another comic to say "Hey good joke!" preferably someone with a Laughs on Fox credit.

Years have gone by and someone I’ve admired all this time is on the same show and we finally exchange pleasantries. No ego, just hey- we were on the same show! You’re pretty great. Love what you’re doing. Now you say it back to me. SAY IT BACK MOTHERFUCKER, I JUST SUPPORTED YOUUUUUU (falls into abyss, tongues of drunken audience members wagging and stabbing my mid-section)

I see those late night, sentimental “I love comedy” posts on Facebook every once in awhile and I can feel the cynical cesspool of backlash forming a giant tidal wave, but I totally get it. I had a night like that tonight. I have nights like that at many open mics. It’s seeing friends, it’s the few people in the audience that are suddenly looking up at me, who were buried in their phones a minute ago. It’s a hug from a comic that I love, or some rapid-fire joking going on outside in a semicircle of idiots. Being around funny people. Standing alone at an open mic that I’m dreading and suddenly finding that one person- a friend. They have my back with the perfect line that triggers a bark of laugh out of me, because it’s also relief. It’s gonna be okay because I can still hang with this fantastic funny person.

I got paid for some impossible bar show. I wasn’t told in advance and when I finished my mostly silent set I got a handful of bills. Mostly pesos and a farthing, but it’s amazing to get paid when you’re not expecting it. Now if only I could win some tickets to a Flappers show! (get yer jabs in ya cynical fuck, don’t get too sentimental Feelie Dan!) One comic offered me his hotel room for the night because he wasn't going to use it. Almost made me cry- the room was a shithole!

I think our cat is out of the woods, she was sick for a week. Tune is napping in front of the heater, thanks for asking.

Claire is gently snoring in the bedroom, I assume. She doesn’t snore loud enough to penetrate TWO DOORS. Now the cat is lapping water from a jar- one of my favorite sounds in the world. Oh yeah, the Patreon thing is kind of funny. I only have 6 subscribers, but I’m enjoying making videos- they're kind of a video journal of some open mics I’ve been visiting. Video reviews, interviews, testimonials, etc. If you can’t get enough of my open mic bullshit and you’re curious it’s $2 a month to join.

My Patreon

We can’t end this journal entry on a plug though, that’s pathetic.

It’s nice to have a new family of comedy friends in this strange world, but then I remember my friends from acting school or the people I knew through the Geffen or Arclight. Years are going by. Marriages, break-ups, babies, health scares and the occasional tragedy that affects us all. I’ll hear a song or see a clip from some project that brings those people swirling back in my head- oh yeah, I love those people too. Maybe I should give them a call. See one of their shows. Stop by for a visit. Finally introduce myself to their ten-year old baby.

I get asked,

“How’s the comedy going?

I usually ramble for a few minutes about the intense highs and lows, desperately trying to make sense of it all and it all sounds absurd saying it out loud, like I’m lying to their face!

You HAVE TO bomb? You HAVE TO do shit mics? You HAVE TO write? Network? But what about the comedy special- everybody's getting dem stupid!

I always manage to squeeze in that one overly sincere declaration of,

I’m in this for the win.

I mean it. Sure I’ve FLIRTED with quitting in my head, but it’s usually because I’ve been on vacation and it can feel especially troubling going back to a mic after a week of no stage time. It rarely happens and when it does I feel sad. But when I've been away, it's harder to go back. I never seriously considered quitting though. I made a feature film in 2007 because I told myself I could do it. I never said My movie will get distribution. It kind of fizzled out after the completion thing.

But I can do this. I am a comedian.

Don’t forget the patreon thing. Come see a show- check my dates at Martywurst.com. I have Dvds of my short films, ask me and I’ll give you one. TheWurstTweet on Twitter. Search me on your podcast app. Find me on YouTube. Open Mic Reviews on Instagram or Marty Wurst for my regular pinups. I have old movie reviews on FirstShowing.net. My website has a Steve Buscemi voicemail. I’m in a shitty movie called Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill. I sang to Jennifer Connelly at a press junket for Blood Diamond. My Google search is pretty great. I made a movie called Salivate- you can’t find it anywhere. I have two audiobooks on Audible- Dark Sanity and Zombies in Love.

Oh and here's that Sesame Street clip.

Mish-mash of Comedy Musings

I write my name on the paper strip and glance into the bucket to see if the paper strips are folded and then fold my paper accordingly. I got a tip early on that if I should drop my name into the bucket 5 minutes before the mic starts, my name would be closer to the surface. Superstition among comedians. Sure enough, I got called up first at The Hollywood Improv with this method. Most of the time I drop my name too early and then my name isn't pulled for a good hour. Maybe there's something to this. When my name is on the bottom, the host doesn’t always mix it well enough to get that baby back to the surface.

Why do I even think about this bullshit, just throw the name in.

********************************************************************************

The Devastator (a partial set)

One day she decided to meet me half way. She decided she was on board with anal sex...yeah. So that way technically she could still be a virgin...at least in God’s eyes and I would get what I want. And BOY let me tell you man, everything they say about the ass is 100% true, the tip just slides right in man and aww fuck... my asshole hasn’t felt the same since.

Scattered laughs. It’s over-rehearsed, but the joke sort of delivers. He’s wearing a loud Aloha shirt of the Weird Al variety. It feels like a put-on. He came with his friend, who of course is filming his set. He’s going by the name of Devastator. I can’t stand him and I don’t care what the fuck he’s doing. His tone is vaguely arrogant, but there’s clearly no truth behind his material and his delivery is boring.

The last girl I was dating was a fucking asshole. She made me do things I didn’t want to do. The last time I talk to her was...pretty rough. She made me stop watching black porn. Which is ridiculous man...I don’t fuck black women- I have nothing against them, I just can’t have babies with them because I have something weird called sickle-cell trait- you guys know what I’m talking about...it means my kid would come out retarded, so that’s the only reason I wouldn’t go out with them...that and cuz they’re black.

Wakka wakka. He ends his next joke prematurely, leaves the stage, putting on an air of “That’s EXACTLY how I wanted this to go down,” and exits through the side door to the parking lot.

Part of me wants to follow them down the sidewalk, close enough to hear them brag about their accomplishment,

"How fast can we upload this video?"

"That was so Andy Kaufman right there!"

Then I would interrupt,

“Excuse me, DEVASTASTOR? That was amazing man, I’ve never seen anything like that. So BALLSY and unfunny, just like you planned!”

"YO, this guy GETS ME!"

**********************************************

Some guy saw me standing around and introduced himself. He turned out to be the one thing that made the open mic worthwhile.

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I was sitting next to a heckler at a bar while an open mic was going on. The host almost had a meltdown dealing with the guy earlier and for now it seemed like the heckler had won. He was yelling from across the room, so he clearly had the advantage over the host, who had to squint at his enemy through the lights. I was tempted to ask him for an interview, but he gave me the information I wanted pretty quick. The heckler complained to his neighbors that it was a bar, "Fuck them if they can’t handle it. Maybe they should perfect their craft first!"

Meanwhile, this guy showed up alone to drink, sharing boring conversations with like-minded idiots. I guess he perfected his craft.

(dramatic One-Up sound as if Marty schooled the man through a shitty blog entry months later)

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The crowd slowly filtered out, and I recognized an elderly couple giving each other loving looks. My heart swelled. They had chosen stand-up comedy for a date night. They were laughing through the entire show and on their way out the old man excitedly explained to his wife, "It was THE WAY he made the microphone stand an extension of his penis...that's what separated him from the other comics!" For a moment, I felt triumphant, until I realized he wasn't talking about MY SET, but Jareth's...who had stolen my bit for his own selfish shot of glory. (to be continued)

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I'm going to be guesting on a few podcasts:

Comedian Talk (comedians talking about comedy)

Comic Gab (comedians talking about stuff related to comedy)

Funny As *%#! (comedians talking shit about stuff and comedy)

I Can't Stand That Mother-*%@! (comedians talking shit about comedians)

Comedians That Love Cats (comedians having cat discussions with token pussy jokes)

I'm Depressed (comedians working on their openers)

Dude, How'd You Do It? (comedians begging successful friends for advice that doesn't involve actual work)

Yeah, But You're White (black comedians guilting white comedians one joke at a time)

Yeah, But White People Have Problems Too (white comedians trying to convince black comedians that they understand the struggle)

Let's Get Baked (comedians getting high and struggling to make it funny)

Comedy Club Podcast (club owners talking about comedy classes and name-dropping. They need interns!)

I Killed Last Night (2+ year comedians bragging about their amazing sets to anyone who will listen)

Too Soon? (comedians ripping into celebrities that just died, with discussion about cutting-edge comedy)

I Have A Podcast (a comedian who co-created a podcast with a guy who gave up on it after 3 episodes. Should he keep recording?)

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"SO you're a comedian, ay? Tough racket. Have a seat son. How long have you been on stage? A YEAR? Wow, you're still wet behind the ears. (fondly) I remember when I told my first rape joke. Seems like the day before yesterday. I went by the name of Johnny Bonkers. I used to take a banana and stick it up my ass. Then I never addressed it- I just went into my act. I alienated millions! It was very courageous for the time. But anyway, let me give you one piece of advice. Sometimes, you'll feel alone up there, when it's so dark you can't see if anyone is out there and there's that devil of a spotlight BLINDING YOU... and you can't remember the next joke, you're covered in flop sweat, and you start to feel the old ticker head-butting your chest, trying to escape the nightmare that is taking place. But you can't just leave! Because there's always that ONE COMEDIAN out there. Watching you...and you know what? He WANTS to watch you shit your pants. So let him have it."

- excerpt from "A Stand-Up Guy" A one-act play written by Johnny Bonkers.

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The laughs are not good enough anymore, I'm chasing after that laugh-clap. Am I a comedian or a bonafide junkie?

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There seems to be a pattern where I bomb miserably at a show and then I hit up a second mic where I have no expectations...or hope. I'm completely numb from bombing, but I end up having a good set. Because I'm loose, relaxed, and just being myself. This gave me the idea that I would go into every mic with the mentality that I already bombed in spectacular fashion, sulking my way to the stage, but I could only trick myself so far. The moment I gained confidence, I would start mugging my way through bits and trying too hard once again. Maybe I need a little guardian angel to approach me as I'm walking to the stage- give a quick whisper,

"You suck."

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