I Think I Figured Out This Comedy Thing

11/30/17

4 years 4 months later…

I drove home on the 405, singing to The Beach Boys "Barbara Ann" like an asshole, alternating on the harmonies. I’ve been singing along to this song since I graduated from Maui High School (Class of '98 brah!) and I always get swept up in the happiest of memories. The Beach Boys are laughing while they’re singing, totally unprofessional. Musicians trying to be funny...when will they ever learn? There's a time and place- when you're in the studio performing, you BE PROFESSIONAL!

So what do you guys think I should write about?

I’m happy now because I hit two mics and I had fun at both of them. I feel good about what I’m doing. I occasionally THINK that and then some miserable mic sets me back a thousand years and I don’t know shit all over again. Wait, I think I just figured this- SMACK! I’m starting to get comedy now-WOMP! Last year I didn’t know dick, this year, I finally found my voi-BLOPFUK!

I’m becoming more and more relaxed, putting hundreds of hours of bombing in. Keeping my expectations low, trying to have fun and BE GOOFIER. Trust myself to be more spontaneous and not just saying the words that are over-rehearsed, trying to find new words to paint the picture. Then occasionally phoning it in, but acknowledging it, like when you stray away from meditation with distracting thoughts. Now Marty, take a deep breath and just get back on track when you can...you dildo. You can look up that classic Sesame Street clip AFTER you’ve finished your meditation. You can try to tell your joke in a fresh way at the next mic. Now visualize your dick jokes slapping across the street like a game of Frogger…

Sometimes I’m so desperate for approval of a new bit I’ll ask Claire to watch me. It’s usually pretty painful, but she’s a good gauge of what’s godawful or she’ll see the potential in a bit and try to contribute. Then I’ll shut her down real quick because who’s the comedian here, right? I really think she believes in me (because she told me she believes in me, in those words) but sometimes I just want another comic to say "Hey good joke!" preferably someone with a Laughs on Fox credit.

Years have gone by and someone I’ve admired all this time is on the same show and we finally exchange pleasantries. No ego, just hey- we were on the same show! You’re pretty great. Love what you’re doing. Now you say it back to me. SAY IT BACK MOTHERFUCKER, I JUST SUPPORTED YOUUUUUU (falls into abyss, tongues of drunken audience members wagging and stabbing my mid-section)

I see those late night, sentimental “I love comedy” posts on Facebook every once in awhile and I can feel the cynical cesspool of backlash forming a giant tidal wave, but I totally get it. I had a night like that tonight. I have nights like that at many open mics. It’s seeing friends, it’s the few people in the audience that are suddenly looking up at me, who were buried in their phones a minute ago. It’s a hug from a comic that I love, or some rapid-fire joking going on outside in a semicircle of idiots. Being around funny people. Standing alone at an open mic that I’m dreading and suddenly finding that one person- a friend. They have my back with the perfect line that triggers a bark of laugh out of me, because it’s also relief. It’s gonna be okay because I can still hang with this fantastic funny person.

I got paid for some impossible bar show. I wasn’t told in advance and when I finished my mostly silent set I got a handful of bills. Mostly pesos and a farthing, but it’s amazing to get paid when you’re not expecting it. Now if only I could win some tickets to a Flappers show! (get yer jabs in ya cynical fuck, don’t get too sentimental Feelie Dan!) One comic offered me his hotel room for the night because he wasn't going to use it. Almost made me cry- the room was a shithole!

I think our cat is out of the woods, she was sick for a week. Tune is napping in front of the heater, thanks for asking.

Claire is gently snoring in the bedroom, I assume. She doesn’t snore loud enough to penetrate TWO DOORS. Now the cat is lapping water from a jar- one of my favorite sounds in the world. Oh yeah, the Patreon thing is kind of funny. I only have 6 subscribers, but I’m enjoying making videos- they're kind of a video journal of some open mics I’ve been visiting. Video reviews, interviews, testimonials, etc. If you can’t get enough of my open mic bullshit and you’re curious it’s $2 a month to join.

My Patreon

We can’t end this journal entry on a plug though, that’s pathetic.

It’s nice to have a new family of comedy friends in this strange world, but then I remember my friends from acting school or the people I knew through the Geffen or Arclight. Years are going by. Marriages, break-ups, babies, health scares and the occasional tragedy that affects us all. I’ll hear a song or see a clip from some project that brings those people swirling back in my head- oh yeah, I love those people too. Maybe I should give them a call. See one of their shows. Stop by for a visit. Finally introduce myself to their ten-year old baby.

I get asked,

“How’s the comedy going?

I usually ramble for a few minutes about the intense highs and lows, desperately trying to make sense of it all and it all sounds absurd saying it out loud, like I’m lying to their face!

You HAVE TO bomb? You HAVE TO do shit mics? You HAVE TO write? Network? But what about the comedy special- everybody's getting dem stupid!

I always manage to squeeze in that one overly sincere declaration of,

I’m in this for the win.

I mean it. Sure I’ve FLIRTED with quitting in my head, but it’s usually because I’ve been on vacation and it can feel especially troubling going back to a mic after a week of no stage time. It rarely happens and when it does I feel sad. But when I've been away, it's harder to go back. I never seriously considered quitting though. I made a feature film in 2007 because I told myself I could do it. I never said My movie will get distribution. It kind of fizzled out after the completion thing.

But I can do this. I am a comedian.

Don’t forget the patreon thing. Come see a show- check my dates at Martywurst.com. I have Dvds of my short films, ask me and I’ll give you one. TheWurstTweet on Twitter. Search me on your podcast app. Find me on YouTube. Open Mic Reviews on Instagram or Marty Wurst for my regular pinups. I have old movie reviews on FirstShowing.net. My website has a Steve Buscemi voicemail. I’m in a shitty movie called Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill. I sang to Jennifer Connelly at a press junket for Blood Diamond. My Google search is pretty great. I made a movie called Salivate- you can’t find it anywhere. I have two audiobooks on Audible- Dark Sanity and Zombies in Love.

Oh and here's that Sesame Street clip.

Don't Forget To Funny!

Shitting on people in conversation. Shitting on the Comedy Store potluck, it's clearly rigged! Shitting on people in jest because I'm fresh off a Roast Battle and just can't help myself. Shitting on other comedians because my comedy is far superior. Shitting on people when I guest on a podcast. Shitting on lowly beginners who don't know any better. Shitting on my own comedy. Shitting on people on stage. Shitting on the venue. Shitting on the host who means well, but still fucked up my name. Writing a shitty review on ITunes, just so I can shit on the host who I hate.

Shitting on the comedy couples who stick together. Shitting on podcasts that I wish I was invited on. Shitting on bookers that never book me. Shitting on comics that never say hi. Shitting on hosts that don't even try.

Shitting on bringer shows. Shitting on your Instagram account. Shitting on your pool party with your stoner friends. Shitting on your sexy pics.

Shitting on your stupid ass glossy flyer that misrepresents the shithole I'm performing in. Shitting on your outrageous cover charge for a show full of amateurs. Shitting on becoming a Comedy Store Regular- why you? Shitting on your tour. Shitting on your GoFundMyShittyComedyChannel.

Shitting on everyone in a public forum because you're all against me. Shitting on other clubs. Shitting on talent coordinators. Shitting on the 1-drink minimum. Shitting on you because I can't take a compliment. Shitting on you for being on your phone. Shitting on you for talking during my set. Shitting on you for leaving right away.

Shitting on your pre-booked open mics. Shitting on your living situation. Shitting on comedy festivals. Shitting on comedy contests. Shitting on clean comedy shows. Shitting on your inability to skip the rape joke. Shitting on hecklers. Shitting on your first open mic videos.

Shitting on your Twitter joke. Shitting on your pathetic merch. Shitting on your attempt to brand yourself with a catchphrase. Shitting on your hashtags.

Shitting on your blogs. Shitting on The Comedy Bureau. Shitting on that Netflix special. Shitting on improv, actors, and anyone who wants to check off comedy on their bucket list.

Shitting on tags that I didn't ask for. Shitting on your webseries. Shitting on your workout pics. Shitting on your inspirational quotes. Shitting on your sudden change of attitude you hypocrite.

Shitting on your new headshots, shitting on you for quitting comedy or not quitting comedy. Shitting on you for starting comedy. Shitting on you for pitching a joke to me.  Shitting on you for doing a show in your underwear. Shitting on the person who just died. Shitting on you for joking about it and beating me to it.

Shitting on all the negative fucks that I want to distance myself from. Shitting on desperate cries for help. Shitting on someone who just wants a sincere answer on Facebook. Shitting on people that just want someone to stand up for them. Shitting on your political beliefs. Shitting on you for getting political. Shitting on you for being emotional.

Man I'm exhausted. What am I doing here again?

15 Minutes in Spokane

Amber Scalzo and I are hitting the road. Santa Cruz, Coos Bay, Seattle, Spokane. Maybe Boise, Grass Valley, San Francisco and Bakersfield on the way back. It's a long haul for only a couple of shows and whatever open mics we manage to get on. Is this a tour or a very long drive?

Comedian Amber Scalzo.

I feel bad about it, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I've been down many rabbit holes the last couple of months, searching for mics and shows, trying to put the puzzle pieces down and creating a schedule that makes sense. Hitting up bookers and friends of bookers. Some of my LA friends tried to help and they came through. Some bookers asked for our stand up clips and never got back to me. Damn. It hurts that we don't have stand up clips that are current, I think it's blowing our opportunities. Then my new laptop died on me, so now I can't even edit the recent stand up footage I got of us. Great timing. When I load up my Macbook Pro it looks like an 8 bit video game that gets stuck on the apple boss.

I think the uncertainty of the trip makes me nervous too. We have two shows that are spread out and a lot of breathing room. Will we hit this mic, can we make the drive in time, should we just go here instead and meet up with these people or power it out and drive through the night? Boise or Everett? Portland or Grass Valley?

Fuck it all. This is what I love. To go on the road. This is an adventure. I'm super lucky to be able to do this. I'm unemployed and my girlfriend is letting me take her car so I can drive 2,400 miles. She knows I have to do this and she understands the difficult world of comedy that I've chosen.

Portrait of a saint.

So why feel bad about it? I'm already going on my 2nd trip, with only 4 years into comedy. I'm going to see some cousins and Amber and I have multiple places to crash. All we have to do is drive, try to get some sleep and do some stand up comedy. Yeah, there are some nights where it's just impossible to get to a mic without killing ourselves to get there, it's not worth it, we need our sleep. Sometimes the days and mics are not going to align perfectly. I guess that's when those pop-up mics come in handy, I gotta get my own setup like Johnnie Flowers.

We did a pop-up mic in front of a 24 Hour Walmart at 1 in the morning. Lot of shoppers surprisingly. Love the giant magnet sign that Johnnie slaps on his car. He just brings a simple speaker and microphone with him wherever he goes. "Sometimes, I don't even get out of the car!" Here's a sample of the experience here And a behind the scenes look at this operation here

Claire is carpooling and taking the bus while I'm gone. She lives close to work, but I still feel like I'm leaving her life in shambles. She's totally fine with it and only encourages me. I started feeling lonely last night and I'm missing her already. There's always Facetime and consoling emojis I suppose.

I'll be able to feed our cat Tune with this handy Kittyo app that I have on my phone. We have a Kittyo machine (it looks like a blender) that shoots kitty treats and has a laser pointer- so I can interact with the cat remotely. You know, the necessities in life. It barely works, but it gives me a cheap thrill. It was a Kickstarter project that was 2 years late on the delivery date and then it took me a year to get the damn thing working. Some things are worth waiting for. Now I can shoot treats at Tune's dumbfounded face!!!

I told my mom about the trip and when she found out I was going with a woman there was a long pause.

"Oh...that's nice. So Claire is okay with that?"

"Yeah... I mean Amber is a comedian too, we're just friends."

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

"No."

It was pretty uncomfortable and I even started to question myself. Wait, am I doing the right thing? Is there something wrong with this picture?

Claire was listening and she quickly pointed out that my mom must think I sleep around. Yeah...what the fuck? It's not like we're getting motels together or sharing a fucking sleeping bag. We're crashing on friends couches and driving a couple thousand miles to do less than an hour of comedy. And what does that say about Amber? Single people just hopelessly fuck out of desperation? It doesn't matter with who, where, or when, as long as it's a "plump delicious cock"? That's a Norm Macdonald description, sorry.

I'm no skank and besides, Amber likes men, not comedians.

The last time I hit the road was almost a year ago. Tom Allen, John Parr, and Casey, our video guy, hit Arizona for 5 days. We were extremely lucky. We had 7 booked shows and a couple of open mics thrown in the mix. A paid hotel, courtesy of my Aunt Dorise and Uncle Marty- incredible gesture. I was expecting to crash on their floor with a bunch of cats next to me, but they were happy to do it. To top it off, my Uncle passed away after the trip, so it was the last time I got to see him.

Casey filmed nearly all of our sets and some great behind-the-scenes footage, but we never saw it. Weeks after the trip, he said all the stuff he filmed was lost and then he abruptly moved back to Colorado. It's really a shame, our first comedy trip lost, so we'll just have to go by memory:

We did a backyard show, a dive bar, an upscale restaurant, a pizzeria, a blackbox theater and a comedy club. Every night was totally different and kept us on our toes. I had my first drunk woman rush the stage and blather at me,

"Wurst Wurst!"

Tom had the lights go out in the middle of his set at the Firehouse space. The outdoor crew rushed to fix it and 5 minutes later the spotlight came back on and Tom picked up right where he left off. We also watched Tom go into a sports bar no less than 3 times to ask a bartender out, but he would make a B-line for the bathroom every time because he was nervous. He would return to the parking lot, looking defeated, and John would start to build him up again until he reluctantly caved in and marched right back. Goddamn it was funny. We got invited to a coke party after a show. We ran into Arizona's Mike Enders EVERYWHERE. He almost became a parody of himself- the shit-eating grin, the warm greetings around the room, drunker and drunker every time we saw him. I'll have to write about Arizona in a separate entry.

Anyway, I guess we'll never see that footage. I'll just have to film these experiences myself from now on. Arizona was one of the best experiences of my life and now I have another trip to look forward to....tomorrow!

Bueller is a rich asshole that manipulates his best friend and gets away with everything, but man it looks fun. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

Got some good playlists. Going to have the blackest coffee, blacker than the souls that frequent The Blacklight District Lounge. I've got the right partner in crime. We have shows. There are mics to be had. No swanky hotel this time, just couches and floors and maybe a bed, but I might as well thank everyone in advance.

THANK YOU.

You want to do this some day? Here's Ron Babcock's helpful guide:

Ron Babcock's Do-it-yourself Standup Tour Guide

Something that really helped me is going through my Facebook friends and writing down a list of every state and linking my friends to the state and city, so I could map out a trip and know where my contacts are. I asked for places to crash or just invited them out to a show. No shame in it. I have family all over, so this is a good way to connect, even if it's incredibly brief. We gotta hang out when we can and help eachother out!

I also wrote down all my phone numbers in a notebook in case my phone decides to die on me. I guess I could write down all the directions too, but I'll just trust that one of us will have a working phone. Or use a handy Thomas Guide! (blows the dust off) *cough cough*

Oh and the day after we get back from this trip, I'm doing a show in Phoenix. Bad scheduling on my part.

YOU NO GO, STUPID!

I'll be back kitty. I should take that Medieval Times crown out of my suitcase.

This Half-Assed Hustle (compiled truths and occasional fiction)

2:25pm

Driving up to Los Angeles with my Spotify playlist on shuffle. Some day I would like to be driving a car full of comics, singing along to Lady Marmalade as we drive 100 miles to our next gig.

3:21pm

I have to piss so bad. I gotta get out of this fucking car. Adjusting my seat to find any angle that gives my bladder even the slightest relief. You can't pull a Dumb and Dumber in your girlfriend's car, you're not pissing into that bottle.

3:40pm

Park at Amoeba Music and then walk over to Arclight Hollywood. I haven't seen a movie here in years, but I'll happily take a piss any chance I get. The dome is especially good for taking a dump- best bathroom in Hollywood. Its been 10 years since I quit and I still have a couple of friends that work here. Amazing.

3:47pm

Go through hundreds of "As Is" used DVDs, prices ranging from $1.99-7:99. I'm gradually buying back my old collection- this was my addiction for awhile. I've bought and sold and repurchased DVDs from this place dozens and dozens of times. Losing money every time. Like when I first moved to LA and didn't have a checking account, so I'd go to one of those Check Cashing places and they'd take a huge chunk. I've perfected so many ways of losing money. Some comedian said, "I'm the Michael Jordan of overdraft fees." I think most comedians could've written that.

5:10pm

Meltdown Comics

Sign my name on the scrap of paper and throw it in the lunch pail. I see a comic that I want to say hi to, but I'm too worried he's going to think I'm kissing up to be on his show. Forced conversation might raise suspicions. He's kind of goofy like I am. In the end, I shy away. We give mutual nods of acknowledgement instead. I've made attempts in the past, but it never lasts past a couple of pleasantries. Goddammit, why do I act like it's a fucking audition, just relax.

5:20pm

The room is starting to fill up. People are smoking out back. I have a few exchanges with other male comics. Majority of comedians in Los Angeles are familiar with this dialogue:

"You going to the Store next?"

"Nah, I'm gonna bounce to Marty's or Pig N Whistle. You?"

"If I don't get up at the Store I'll go down to The Improv Space."

"Cool, cool."

It's all hollow and predictable, but I say these things all the time. Where you coming from? Where you bouncing to next? Is that a good mic? How many minutes? You got anything coming up?

If I find out the person I'm talking to was booked on a cool show I'll get a little pissed off. It'll show on my face too, I'm an incredibly bad liar. It's completely insane, it doesn't even matter if I genuinely like the person, I'll still feel a flash of jealousy. It's involuntary at this point, I've programmed myself to be competitive against everyone because everyone is doing things that I'm not.

Then I remind myself that I'm not very good yet. I don't have to be everywhere, Jesus. Get good and then worry about that shit!

Awkward hug. Forgot that person's name.

5:35pm

One of two hosts calls out my name for the 20th spot. Shit. I probably can't do The Store and then bounce back and make it work, so I guess I'll just be here. Some of the other guys know how to flip-flop to multiple places, but I haven't figured it out yet. It's a little disheartening when 3/4 of the room clears out and there's less than ten people in the audience.

6:20pm

Still waiting around. They worked in some of the more established comics into the line up, which drags things out. Still burns my ass when someone drops in for five minutes and then they're gone in a flash. Must be nice.

I step outside and I have a conversation with Jeff for a bit. He talks my ear off about surface level comedy shit and keeps asking me questions. It's irritating because he immediately looks down at his phone when I start to answer and then he asks me again. It all feels out of obligation and reinforces my fear of losing my own personality someday; where I become an automatic networking robot of a comic that vomits out the same line of bullshit over and over. Never connecting with people, only advertising, advertising, posting, tweeting, and screaming at all the other comics, HEY- HERE"S WHAT I'M DOING- HERE I AM! PICTURE OF ME AT SHOW. PICTURE OF ME HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THIS THING. PICTURE OF ME POSING WITH BETTER COMIC THAT SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!

7:10pm

I'm on stage and only half way through a joke when the realization that I'm bombing stifles the little energy that I have. I feel myself trailing off and force myself to finish. It's painful. I even got a fake laugh, which is worse than silence because it probably came from another comic. I'm supposed to listen to this set on my phone later to find out where I went wrong. How about when I got on the stage?

7:15pm

I'm scrolling through other open mic options on The Comedy Bureau. I really just want to go home. I don't want to pay $5 for a mic I can't stand, or a 1-drink minimum when I don't want to drink. I mean, I could get a soda, but when I'm at a bar I just gravitate towards beer. Why do I keep going to these 3 minute mics and waste my time with tried and failed material? Where's the progress Wurst?

By the time I decide on one, it'll be too late for me to get there in time. I suppose I could pop into Tribal and see what's happening. A nostalgic stop that probably won't do much for my mood, but I already bombed once anyway.

The romantic side of me wants to spend the remainder of my monthly allowance on a Reuben sandwich at Canters. Write jokes with coffee and a sandwich. Then worry about money later. But would you really write anything?

I like to bottom out. When I have a little money, I quickly burn through it almost to get it over with, embracing the inevitable. Then I hit zero and it's a reset button. I get help from my Dad, or I occasionally land some random gig with filming or editing. The audiobooks were completely unrealistic; I basically donated a few hundred work hours and barely made anything. I'll work my ass off on projects that make little to no return. I go after the impossible each time. Acting, filming, now comedy and audiobooks, why does anyone continue to support me?

7:26pm

I have Claire on the phone. She says I'm not a piece of shit. I was trying to convince her otherwise, but she knows my self-esteem is just low, because I bombed and now I'm just trying to bear-hug all the negative things that I can. I am a good person. I'm just incredibly stupid.

She says I'm not stupid. She says that I'm kind and generous. I finally give in and tell her I love her. I tell her there's a chance I'm going to hit one more mic. She asks me to text her when I'm heading home.

7:40pm

Sitting in the car, thinking I should've signed up at Anchor Bar for a late spot. That would've been perfect. Just get the fuck out of LA, you're burned out on this side. Maybe I could visit an old friend while I'm up here. I could go back to Amoeba and get that Kung-Fu movie for four bucks. Go home and eat that can of black beans and not spend another dime. Do mics in Long Beach the next week without spending anything.

I could easily make it to Mel's or Big Wangs later. The list at Tribal could be a mile long- plus I think you're supposed to order a sandwich now. Their food is good but their service sucks.

7:49pm

Hit the library just before it closed. A little inspiration might help! Autobiographies from Sarah Silverman, David Spade, and Bernie Mac! Plus a book about Cult Films and Facts I Should Know- warm up the brain matter, possible premises. I love walking out with a shitload of books!

9:30pm

Who calls it a night when comedy is just starting? This guy!

Claire is still up and our fatty kitty Tune is sitting an inch from her face, her paws propped up on her favorite human's chest. She's in purr mode, but when I get close she briefly sniffs my face for identification. I check out.

Sometimes it's not the number of mics I hit. I hit a wall tonight and needed an out. I need to cut myself a break. So many people are working harder than me and I know it. What's it going to take man?

No Comedy Advice.

Who the fuck is this guy? Should I confirm our friendship? We have 152 mutual friends. About a hundred of THOSE friends are comedian acquaintances. 40 of those I don't know if I've ever met.

I'm close to 1,200 friends. I can't believe how much this has jumped since I started comedy. I'm constantly adding people, I've got a backlog worse than my Netflix queue. That Netflix remark is dated now, everyone is streaming- FUCK.

Half the guys I talk to are constantly roasting. There's no flow of conversation anymore, it's just insult after cheap insult. I just walk into a room and someone is commenting on my wardrobe and my haircut, followed by their impressions of an airhorn- BUH-BUH-BUHHHHHHH.

I'm doing the Roast Battle again. I'm dreading it. I want to puke from the anxiety and bury my head under my pillow. It's not about the jokes anymore. I'm throwing myself into the lion's den. They just need another excuse to hate my stupid face and I'll give it to them. The mumbly guy, the Wurst, he's older- fuck him. I stutter out my jokes, Mike Lawrence destroys me. Periscope followers agree, this guy is truly the worst.

I don't have to worry, but I do. I lost the first time, but it was a fantastic night. Everyone was warm and supportive.  I got good advice from experienced roasters...I didn't take the advice, but I loved it just the same. I was a part of something great for one night.

My girlfriend defends every mistake I make in comedy. She knows I'm just venting and need to blow off steam, so she hears me out and builds me back up. I have to destroy myself in order to rebuild a better version of myself. Constantly updating software. Marty 2.0. Marty 2.5 Marty X. Now I'm driven and motivated. Hey, I accidentally had fun writing a new joke- how did that happen?

Oh yeah, I've been doing this comedy thing for years. Its always been there. Standup is just new and hard, but I'm learning. I'll get better. I have to. I have my own voice. That will always be my ace. A lot of people just hate this voice and I don't blame them. It's not sure what it wants to be. I need to remind myself what I'm going to do every time I walk up on stage. All those motivational things that I've read or written down in my phone, but never remember to look at again.

It's fun, right? It has to be fun, man.

Never let them know that you have doubts.

I just apologized for the next premise before telling the joke, JESUS!

My cat is burying her poop right now as I write this. She stares at me sometimes and it reminds me of the all-comedian audience that I'm bombing in front of. There's a similarity in the gaze. Neither audience understands that I'm funny. I want to scream, I swear I'm funny! Not for you, but maybe some day!

My cat just laughed at me. That hurts. It's terrifying too, but her timing is uncanny.

Best Open Mics of 2016

Hey, I'm Marty Wurst and I review open mics on my Instagram. Comedy seems to come second.

It's fun to tell my family where I go to open mics.

I get to say I do comedy in gay bars, sports bars, dive bars, rock bars, at the Scientology Celebrity Center, in front of a green screen, at a bagel shop, Chinese restaurants, book stores, art galleries, backyards, record stores, wine bars, a comic book shop, a wine cellar, a grocery store, a bowling alley, a garage IN AN ALLEY, hotels, outside a hot dog joint, inside a hot dog joint, a thrift store, a barbershop, some pizzerias, in a number of coffee shops, comedy clubs, and black box theaters...on a boat, in a cheese shop, and at an AA meeting. Just think about how crazy that sounds. I can't wait to see where I end up this year.

Laundromat, butchershop, nursing home? 101 Freeway mic. Sex shop mic has to happen. How about a D-list celebrity's home? Hang on to the side of a plane on takeoff like Tom Cruise and everyone in the plane can hear you do comedy! Tasty riffs about dying, comedians love that shit!

There were 50 new mics that popped up this year, but I think I made a pretty good dent. ONWARDS!

WINNERS OF 2016

Alright, let me just say up front, I didn't know how to consistently separate these mics into the appropriate categories, whether to include mics that had folded, or write out every single mic into every category- it was too much to wrap my head around. Plus I screwed up a question where you couldn't write in your own answer- the "Best Bucket" mic was limited to 4 answers only, so I apologize.  I corrected it, but it probably cost certain mics the winning votes...I'm a dick.

SEE?

This is just for fun. We all have our favorite mics and we're loyal to them. I just thought it'd be cool to show you what mics are out there and maybe you'll consider checking one out some day. Or maybe you'll snub me next time you see me.

"Hey asshole, saw the results. Thanks for leaving my mic off the list ya DOUCHEWURST!"

I hit a lot of these mics only ONCE, so YOUR VOTES will also help me decide whether I should return.

I really want to give all the solid open mics props, I really do. Anyway, I won't muck it up next time. If it makes you feel better, The Joke Gym never gets props.

ON TO THE WINNERS!

BEST FEEDBACK MIC

Comedian's Choice    Flappers Burbank

Open Mic Reviews     Fanatic Salon

No pictures in this category, sorry!

BEST BUCKET MIC

Comedian's Choice     "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    BAPS Hollywood Hotel mic TIED with Sabor y Cultura   

BUCKET TIME!  "Mouthypants" at The Other Door was like the CHEERS of open mics. Meeting with friends, getting drunk, and doing comedy. Kym Kral and Whitney Melton are the biggest sweethearts and made everyone feel welcome. Now the torch has been passed on to Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton, who keep that love going every TUES. Email killermicotherdoor@gmail.com by Monday at 5 PM. 20 names will be chosen at random. Join Killer Mic on Facebook Sign-up for 20 lottery spots starts at 8pm at the show. 10437 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood.

And now...it's time for a very special presentation of

THE JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

Jared Levin is a comedian in Los Angeles. He's humped over a thousand stools on various stages across the mid-west. You may know Jared as the comic who cleverly uses the mic stand as a semi-automatic weapon, his way of paying tribute to Jeff Carrisalez. That makes him over-qualified to give out awards.

BEST OPEN MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Open Mic Reviews      Blacklight District Lounge (trust me)

Honorable Mention    Liquid Zoo

The Blacklight District Lounge in Long Beach is what comic hell is like. I can't recommend it, because you'll hear the darkest, most fucked up depressing shit. I feel like rape jokes were born here. You'll hear N-bombs and misogyny and no one will laugh. All your jokes will get the same reaction. NOTHING. Every once in awhile, a comic may chuckle, but it'll shake you! You do get a nice chunk of time (10-15 minutes) and the hosts are always friendly, but it's a sad place. Bar Rescue couldn't even rescue this place- Blacklight District Lounge rejected them! They said,

"No thanks! We're happy wallowing in shit, now get THE FUCK OUT!"

If you're a glutton for punishment like I am, come on through!

BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET

Comedian's Choice     Tribal

Open Mic Reviews      Marty's

Honorable Mentions   Sal's Comedy Hole, Rockpaper Coffee

Marty's at 7351 Sunset Blvd (entrance on Martel) This is home base for a lot of comics. For good reason. You can do 10-30 minutes between two rooms. Hang out, shoot the shit, have some coffee, order pizza, charge your phone, etc. You might not have an audience. Sometimes you do. Some comics may suggest tags for your bits- they get into it here- finding the funny. It can be lively. People return after years of being away.

It was good for my first mic because I knew in advance that it would be a low pressure environment. Lose my virginity quick and get it over with- done. It wasn't pretty, but I did my first set. Marty is supportive. This is a convenient location for a lot of comics and it's open every day! MON-FRI 5-11pm and SAT-SUN 7-11pm. $5 includes coffee and plenty of stage time.

Just don't bring your girlfriend here, that'll prompt Marty to tell his string of rape/incest jokes.

BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice   The Palace

Open Mic Reviews    The Palace   

Joe Kardon hosts at The Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz. On some nights, this room can feel as tough as The Comedy Store. A lot of great comics have done their time here. I've always loved Joe's intros. TUES The mic is after the booked show, which starts around 9:50pm. Lottery. 4 minutes.

BEST MIC THAT FOLDED TOO SOON

Comedian's Choice      Days Inn

Open Mic Reviews       Los Globos

Honorable Mentions    Blackbull Chophouse

Nikki Black and Ellie McElvain were behind the Los Globos mic. It started great and they maintained a fun atmosphere in an intimate room. Plus they found a bag of coke on the stage that some band had left from the night before.

BEST B-LINE PAST THE COMEDIAN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Comedian's Choice     Karma Lounge (beads!!)

Open Mic Reviews      Scallywags

"Plan B" open mic at Scallywags barbershop. A great all-comic mic in Fullerton that had the unique sheet metal backdrop/bathroom door directly behind the performer. There's no way you could ignore it and I especially loved when a comic would end their set, then immediately turn around to go to the bathroom. R.I.P. Scallywags!

LOUDEST OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Big Wang's

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Open Mic Reviews     Dog Haus

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Alex Duong hosting at Big Wangs in Hollywood. Sure it may be one of the loudest, but Alex said it right, "This is where you get good. If you can be funny here, you can do any room."  He hosts "The Best of 3rd Worlds Comedy" with Haiti every MON and they're a riot. Sign up at 10pm, starts at 11. 1-item minimum. 5 minutes.

BEST SAFE SPACE MIC

Comedian's Choice       Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews        Tao Comedy Studio

Honorable Mentions     Irvine Improv, The Clown House

Bobby Oliver (not pictured here) runs The Tao Comedy Studio on Beverly Blvd. No malicious content here. As she puts it, "Take your rape jokes to Marty's because I'm too old for this shit!" Supportive and fun. MON at 8pm (women only) and FRI at 8pm. $5 which includes a drink. 5 minutes.

I also got a voicemail from a great comic/friend, Jeanne Whitney. Here's her take on safe space mics.

And now...another installment of the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST DIVE BAR MIC

Comedian's Choice      Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, M-Bar

Open Mic Reviews       M-Bar

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, The Blvd

The M Bar in East LA. This is definitely one of those hidden gems in the open mic scene. Steven Moreno and Tony Alfieri host. Great underground vibe, like you're hanging out in somebody's basement. Sometimes Steven brings churros. Hit it up on SUN Sign up 8:30pm, starts at 9. A 1-item minimum gets you 7 minutes!

BEST NEW OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Cask & Hammer, Arlyn Pillay Gallery TIED for 2nd with Scientology Celebrity Center (haha) and Molly Bloom's

Honorable Mention   Delicious Vinyl TIED with Meea's Hot Dogs

Open Mic Reviews     Free Wifi, Meea's Hot Dogs, The Whisperer

Honorable Mention   The Blvd

Free Wifi at The Union House, Downtown LA. Come on, that's a great set-up! Really impressed by this mic; first outdoor night mic I've been to that's really lit well. It's a fun stage and they're energetic hosts: Jessica Dyer, Robbie Bruens, Phillip Maxwell Binder, and Tara McGorry. TUES starts at 8pm, but you can sign up as late as 10! Rolling lottery. $1 for 5 minutes or 3 minutes for free. A bargain!

BEST HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice    Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mention   Anchor Bar

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   The Cork Lounge

Ryan Talmo (The Valley Jesus) hosts at the Liquid Zoo in Van Nuys. Alas, the WED mic with Ron Swallow is no more, but you can still get your heckle fix on Sundays with Talmo. I don't know much from experience, but I recall countless posts online about crazy shit that went down at the Zoo. It's a great dive bar and for a 1-item minimum you get 7 minutes. Sign up on SUN at 8:30pm.

BEST OPEN MIC WITHIN A 2-BLOCK RADIUS

Comedian's Choice    Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Venice Grind

Venice Grind is an impressive mic run by Shannon O' Donnell. It has great atmosphere, feels more like a show, and Shannon is constantly running around to make sure things are going smoothly. Nice to have a host that's an ace with sound too. Great mixed mic option! Sign up Sunday at 5pm, starts at 6. Lottery. 3-5 minutes.

BEST OPEN MIC THAT ENDED IN 2016

Comedian's Choice    Echoes Under Sunset, Scallywags, "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Honorable Mention   Main St. Bar and Cabaret

Open Mic Reviews     Murder Room, Main St. Bar and Cabaret, Echoes Under Sunset

Honorable Mention    Days Inn

Echoes Under Sunset in Echo Park. Lot of great memories for a lot of comics. Another home base. Fantastic space. Christian and Jasmine Chavez were so generous and always friendly. A countless number of shows were produced here. I got to bring Maria Bamford on this stage. It was such a good training ground for new comics, you could volunteer to host. Great hang. Could be a really tough room at times. There were a lot of young guys on stage venting about their worthless lives, but I met some of my favorite people here. Anyone who misses it should go through Christian's amazing album on Facebook-dive into a giant tasty bowl of seasoned chips and go through the memories.

BEST MIXED MIC

Comedian's Choice    Tribal Cafe

Honorable Mention   Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Slip Bar and Eatery

Honorable Mention    The Lost Bean

Tribal Cafe in Echo Park! Random hosts, or no host at all, but you can reliably get some time MON-THURS or on SUN. They all start at 6pm. $4 purchase minimum, but the food is grubbin! Another great choice for a first mic; it's low pressure, you will learn to deal with the occasional blender, and you can always ask if they need a host. Get some experience in!

BEST DIY MIC

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention   Workout Room in Hollywood

Open Mic Reviews     Meea's Hot Dogs

Honorable Mention    Holy Grounds and Coffee (love that stage!)

The Garage Behind Food 4 Less in Los Angeles. This is Victor Martinez Jr's creation and it's fucking dope. Longer sets, snacks, beer, you can park right in the alley, and get some decent time. If piss-smelling, trash covered alleys isn't your thing, well you're probably free of STDs, but I dig it!

1717 S Western Ave. SAT starts at 10:30pm First, come, first served. 7-8 minutes.

This shit ain't over...another winner takes it all in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST MIC TO GET BAKED

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention    Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews     Boat Mic

Honorable Mention   Rafa's Lounge

If you ever see Boat Mic pop up on The Comedy Bureau again, find a way to get on it! Tim Spencer is a gracious host and puttering around Marina del Rey is a wonderful way to spend a night. Can't imagine a better place getting high either...you're one with nature broooooo.

BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC

Comedian's Choice      Sabor y Cultura

Honorable Mentions    The Library, Solar de Cahuenga 

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    Coffee+Food, The Library

Sabor y Cultura mic with The Martin Duprass. They were kick ass hosts that kept it energetic and fun. They gave out prizes, used clappers, and made you feel okay about waiting around for a couple hours. Anyway, they just recently passed the torch over to Bryan Vokey and Christian Pieper- very funny guys.  Sabor has a great menu, plenty of space and there's people all over the place, which makes it kind of fun. Like two sets of audiences to play to. FRI Sign up at 8pm. Lottery. 3 minutes.

BEST FOOD

Comedian's Choice    Karma Lounge

Open Mic Reviews     Karma Lounge

Honorable Mention    Tribal Cafe (over 100 items on their menu! Great grub.)

Karma Lounge makes the best sliders I've ever had. Truffle fries are outrageous too. I had these two nights ago and I forgot to take my own picture!

BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice      Flappers Bar (Burbank)

Honorable Mention     Mel's Drive-In

Open Mic Reviews       Flappers (Claremont)

Honorable Mention      Hooters

Claremont Flappers won me over. Every time I've gone, there has been a solid audience. Flappers Yoo-Hoo room in Burbank is a great late night option too- they had a great audience, but Claremont was even better. When there are more customers in the audience than comics waiting to go up, that's saying something. It's definitely clicky here, but it's worth it for the audience. THURS Sign up at 9-9:30pm. Starts at 10. First come, first served. 3 minutes.

BEST ALL-COMIC AUDIENCE

Comedian's Choice      The Clubhouse  

Honorable Mentions     Max Bloom's TIED for 2nd with Murder Room, and Hyperion Tavern TIED for 3rd with Pig N' Whistle

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions     Murder Room, T&L Pollo's

The Clubhouse in Los Feliz. You wouldn't know that there's a ton of great comedy going on next to Jons in an ugly strip mall. Another hidden gem for the comedy nerds. The Clubhouse has multiple rooms with a sweet MST3K mural out front. Open mic is FRI Sign up at 6pm. 6:30 start. Lottery. 3 minutes. Jace Avery and Connor McNutt host.

Who will win next in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS?

BEST CROWD

Comedian's Choice      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Irvine Improv

Open Mic Reviews      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Hooters

This is the best way to show you what the Anchor Bar experience is like. A picture won't capture it. Take a look at Duke Fightmaster's fantastic ongoing series and tell me you don't want to be a part of it! Even when it's really late, there's usually a few die-hard comedy fans that stick it out.

BEST MIC FOR LONGER SETS

Comedian's Choice      Paladino's (8 minutes)

Honorable Mention     M-Bar      (7-8 minutes)

Open Mic Reviews       Doll Hut   (10 minutes)

Honorable Mention     The Nectar Lounge (8 minutes)

The Doll Hut is an awesome punk bar in Anaheim.  There's just something about this room that's FUN. Joshua Waldrop hosts and produces the Red Guerrilla Funhouse show on the 2nd Wednesday of every month- the open mic follows it. Even on slow nights it's a great hang. Joshua is a great dude and will always get you up. This is my home base! 10 minute sets.

BEST MIC TO PERFORM 3 MINUTES

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Hollywood Improv

Honorable Mention    Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   Westside Comedy Theater

Ken Garr and Avery Pearson hosting at The Lab. There is definitely an energy in this room and it always feels like a privilege to perform here. Always a great mix of people in the crowd. Plus Ken and Avery are great- total professionals. There's two different mics and they're both great. You'll like being on that stage so much, it'll burn your ass if they don't draw your name, especially after 2 hours. TUE Sign up at 5:45pm or SUN Sign up at 9:30pm

BEST COMEDY CLUB OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Improv

Open Mic Reviews     Comedy Store Potluck

The Comedy Store Potluck is on MON sign up at 6pm. Results are posted around 6:45 on the window. 3 minutes. I always think of it as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I GOT THE GOL-DEN TI-CKET!!!" It's always a long shot, but man it's pretty great when you strike it rich. Tough ass room with all that history. Nothing like it.

BEST OUTDOOR MIC

Comedian's Choice   Workout Room in Hollywood

Honorable Mention  Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews    Yardwork Mic

Honorable Mention  Meea's Hot Dogs

The Workout Room in Hollywood. Simon Gibson, Megan Rice, Jeff Sewing, Greg Edwards, Doug Dixon, and Leah Kayajanian host this great outdoor mic. Free beer, pizza, and a warm fire. Donate and help them keep it going, it's a supportive all-comic mic. 1243 N. Gower FRI Sign up at 7:30pm, starts at 8. Some 7 minute spots, then 3.

BEST HOST TO HANDLE HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention     Erik Marino

Open Mic Reviews      Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton

As a last minute addition, I found a great example of Evan working his magic at The Anchor Bar, courtesy of Duke Fightmaster!

BEST $5 MIC

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Honorable Mention     Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews      El Cid

Honorable Mention     Pig N' Whistle

El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles. I just love the variety show feel with the list of performers posted backstage. It feels like I'm in the cast of The Muppet Show. Jugglers, musicians, magicians and comics. The room looks like a 16th century tavern. It's pretty damn fun for an open mic, I would try it!  MON Sign up at 7:30pm. $5 entry. 4 minutes.

Before the big winners, we have the final, highly coveted, JARED LEVIN AWARD!

BEST OVERALL OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Anchor Bar, The Other Door, Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mention   Brix

Open Mic Reviews     Brix, Anchor Bar, Yardwork

Honorable Mention   Doll Hut

Brix in Sunset Beach. Love the audience of locals and tourists. It's right by the ocean and there's great food. Plus John is one of the nicest guys on the scene. It's a win-win. Join Sunset Beast/Brix Comedy on Facebook. WED Show starts at 8pm, open mic follows. 16635 Pacific Coast Highway, Sunset Beach

BEST OPEN MIC HOST

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar), John Silver (Brix), Ryan Talmo(Liquid Zoo)

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton and Kevin Anderson (The Other Door)

Open Mic Reviews      Brian Biancardi (Murder Room), Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar)  The Martin Duprass (Sabor y Cultura)

Honorable Mention   Kristal "The Pistol" at The Short Stop. She hosted half of the mic, but she cranked it up to 11. Force to reckon with.

Brian Biancardi is a delightful human being. He really got the room fired up with chants of "MURD-DER" while flooding the room with multi-colored lights. It sounds stupid as I'm writing this, but you had to be there. One of the great all-comic open mics to go to. I'm just sorry I never came through for the setup outside- totally missed out. R.I.P. Murder Room.

OKAY, that's pretty much it, but I have one more guest contributor, Chad who was kind enough to take time out of his epic schedule to leave me a voicemail.

Thanks Bro. You can check out more Chad here.

Special shout out to Nolan at Dromebox Labs, which is also a fantastic mic that everyone should check out. Just a great creative atmosphere to be around.

Dromebox Labs puts out new content daily. Go to the open mic, get involved, guest on someone's show! Click the link I left above for more info, or join their Facebook page.

I know this post is long enough, but I'd like to include some of the generous responses I got from a handful of great comedians I reached out to. Here are some of their favorite mics:

Ali Macofsky- Sabor y Cultura, Anchor Bar, Grounded (R.I.P.)

Anne Flagg- The Hideaway Cafe, Cask & Hammer

Seth Woodward- T&L Pollo's, Max Bloom's, Arlyn Pillay Gallery

Charles Mockler- Meea's Hot Dogs, Tribal Cafe, Free Wifi at Union House

Meea's Hot Dogs in Eagle Rock keeps coming up, so here it is. It's one of the best open mics going now, so check it out!  TUES Sign up at 5:30pm. Starts at 6. 5 minutes. Hosted by Vince Caldera and Luis Lemus (pictured above)

Rachel Mac- The Good Nite, Chatterbox, Lyric Hyperion Theater SAT 3pm.

Chatterbox in Covina. It'll put my mind at ease to include this open mic. I get the sense that it's in the top 5, but it barely got any love in this post. I just haven't been around in awhile. THURS Starts at 8pm, so get your name in the hat- STAT!  5 minutes.

Jonathan Green- Marty's, Comedy Store Potluck, Big Wangs, The Next Stage, "Trapped With Comics" at The Lexington SUN Sign up at 5pm.

Chris Dunham- Anchor Bar, Robin Hood British Pub, Fourth Wall (favorite all-comic audience), Hooters (best crowd)

Spencer Kalendar- Pig N' Whistle, Cahuenga General Store (great food too) 

Courtney Banks- Sunday Bomb Open Mic Brunch at 1pm, TUES at the Improv, Solar de Cahuenga (most supportive) Lexington "Trapped w/ Comics"

Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood. TUES Sign up at 7:30pm Starts at 8. Lottery mixed in with booked spots. 4 minutes. Hosted by Chris Sanders and Cooper Lee (pictured above)

Robbie Goodwin- Meltdown, Karma Lounge "Bunney Ranch" THURS 6:15pm (message Jacob Bunney in advance and add Bunney Ranch on Facebook)

Sami Sutker- Karma Lounge and "Let's Get Weird" at The Hollywood Hotel. THURS 7:30pm Lottery. 1-item min. 4 minutes. Hosted By Dave Cerwonka.

Mr. Goodnight- "I'd give Grandview Market Best Open Mic in a Grocery Store!"

Grandview Market in Mar Vista. I wish I got the angle with the actual store part of it, it's pretty funny that people are shopping. Solid mic though. 12210 Venice Blvd. WED sign up at 6:30pm, starts at 7. 4 minutes.

Sorry if your mic didn't get a mention. It doesn't mean it sucks, there are so many damn mics! There are a ton of mics that are run well, but maybe they don't necessarily stick out yet. I'm not putting out a worst-of-list. I think we know which ones suck. I'd rather not talk about those. Besides, someone else might like it, why dump on it?

Oh all right. Good riddance to THIS MIC!

Ali giving it her all at The Man Cave in Universal City. There were more than 40 televisions in this fucking place. Takes a real genius to think that this would make a great setting for an open mic. This is just one little corner of an obnoxious sports bar from hell. I'm so glad it got buried.

Big thanks to Jake Kroeger of The Comedy Bureau. Always on top of his shit every freakin day and providing us with the essential open mic/show guide. Drop him a donation!

Matt Cole for his awesome OC open mic list!

He runs the Cask & Hammer mic and it's another favorite- check that out too!

Openmikes.org, Badslava, and anyone who has ever told me about a random mic, or had nice things to say about "open mic reviews," it means a lot to know you're checking it out. If I was a better comedian, my reviews would really hold weight!

Shout out to all the awesome people that run open mics outside of California! 

Thank you for all your votes and indulging me on this, now back to actual work.

Thank you Jared Levin, Jeanne Whitney, and Tom Allen for your guest contributions!

To see all the results from the poll yourself, click here

You can read my open mic reviews for individual open mics here

Okay, it's almost 7am. I lost enough sleep over this.

It's the Good Nite mic in NOHO!  Wakka wakka!  MON sign up at 7pm. Lottery 3-5 minutes. All right, good night.

My First and Worst Year: Producing A Show

I get caught up in the gossip. Shitting on comedians that I barely know. I'm trying to stop that. Early on, I was one those guys that would say something negative because I was trying to start a dialogue and reinforce any negative feelings I had about someone. Usually based in nothing; maybe one lousy first impression or through the grapevine on Facebook. Unfortunately, talking shit is a major way to bond with other inexperienced comics. A lot of miserable, sarcastic, unmotivated, boring comics. Or 10+ year comics that bitch about how unfair everything is. They can't talk to you for 30 seconds without shitting on something.

Now I know that's not me. I never feel good about it and it never helps.

The comics I look up to are modest, rarely say anything bad about anyone because they're just focused. They don't feed the fire. I'd rant about something and they wouldn't have anything to add to it. Maybe something along the lines of,

"Yeah, that can happen," kind of response.

I'd see the look on their face. I'm the problem.

I was the same way in Junior High. Picking on the popular kids and being obnoxious because I was so desperate to be a part of their circle. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to put in that kind of work.

I'll be obsessed with some idiot for hours on a Facebook thread, so tempted to participate in the attack, but where is it going to get me? Fuck, I could've written something. I should be writing jokes now, but I think I know something about blogging and comedy! I feel like I'm just regurgitating boring opinions that have been voiced on hundreds of podcasts already, I'll try to pepper this section up! Check out this sweet ass pimp kitty vest!

At least 7 comics named Dave would kill to have this. One cat has a chainmail helmet!

I always want to prove myself to other comics. An audience of strangers is always amazing, but I do feel the pressure of an all-comic mic. It's way too important to me. I don't want to be written off, I know I can be funny. Maybe not the last 20 times you saw me, but I'll get there, don't write me off!

When I had a decent set in front of someone I respected, I felt like I could check that off. Okay, that person doesn't think I'm a piece of shit anymore. I proved myself. Getting closer to being an actual comic! Every good set is a stepping stone. My bad sets would just temporarily render me useless. Instead of doing my homework and adjusting, I would just write something new or beat a bad joke into the ground. Maybe it'll work the 27th time.

"The people that go to Burning Man only need these two words to communicate: Burning...man!"

*crickets slashing wrists*

Only 3-4 survivors from this list and my taint is still funnier.

I bombed in front of Sean Conroy and took it kind of hard. Intimidating dude, (like the Ron Perlman of improvisation) he was sitting in the front row at Echoes Under Sunset with his arms crossed, waiting for his set and just watching me hang myself. He'd probably seen a thousand variations of the heckler character I was doing. I picked on him in character, but he wouldn't roll with it. Why would he? It was more fun to watch me squirm.

Every time I asked him a question he would answer,

"Sure."

Which is sort of the "fuck you" version of "yes and,"  It's an improv thing.

I was berating the audience for being a bunch of hipsters. Yelling out,

"Well I got something for ALL OF YOU!"

Then I started handing out free coffee coupons from a local coffee shop. Sean politely declined.

I had my bombing routine where I would call up Claire afterwards and tell her I just ate shit. Or who I ate shit in front of. She would convince me that it was okay, everybody bombs, and remind me that I'd had good sets before. She would tell me that she loved me and make me feel better about what had happened. Oh, there is life after tomorrow, I forgot! Thanks, baby!

Claire understands the grind. She's a fan of a lot of the people I look up to and we listen to a lot of the same podcasts now. She got into Jen Kirkman and The Longshot Podcast early on and now she subscribes to more comedians than I do. We went to Power Violence and a number of shows at The Improv. Pete Holmes, Todd Glass, Ron Lynch, Eddie Pepitone, Maron, Sebastian, Ian Edwards, and Tig- we love Tig. She pushed me to go on the road. She encouraged me to stop using the train and take her car instead. She makes this all possible. It's unbelievable. She even made cookies when I produced my own show.

(insert hacky Field of Dreams quote) Michael Donato designed these fantastic flyers.

I'd done a couple of shows at The Lexington with Tony Bartolone where I did some character stuff. I played a wrestler, a heckler that takes on Mr. Goodnight and a squarish Steve Allen type talk show host. Anyway, the owner liked me enough and said if I ever wanted to use the space, hit him up.

Tony was nice enough to help me too, he ran sound for me. Uggh, I didn't even give him a fucking spot and he ran sound for me- that's how great a guy he is and how SELFISH I can be.

Post "The Revolution!" show outside the Lexington with Tony.

I think the best thing in comedy after doing standup is booking your own show. Reaching for the stars, pulling in friends, what a great position to be in! Compiling a fantasy list of mostly male comics and shooting them a message on Facebook.

A combination of comic friends, comics I met at open mics, (but hadn't talked to) or comics I saw on a show.

So if you're a new comic wondering, how the hell do I get booked on a show?

Well, a moron like me could accidentally see you at an open mic and then end up liking you! And I'm the guy who did a shitty set before you, remember? You never know who could be running shows.

Most people got back to me pretty quick. Comedians love a full calendar. 

I adored The Walsh Brothers. So original and twisted. They blew my mind at TigerLily and I finally met the guys through a mutual friend.

Brian Scolaro was someone I had talked to outside of The Comedy Store. He's one of the first comics to give me any kind of advice,

"Don't move To Long Beach."

Oh shit. Brian Scolaro just caught my girlfriend taking a photograph.

I was a fanboy of Dean Delray. I heard Matty Goldberg on Danny Lobell's podcast and dug his book about his friendship with Angelo Bowers. Ron Babcock was one of the friendly guys on the scene, loved his standup. I'd worked on a webseries with Paul Danke. Just met a lot of the other comics at open mics. I worked with Jeanne Whitney at Arclight Hollywood and we started standup around the same time. I watched Timika Hall do her first set at Echoes Under Sunset and she was great! Ester Steinberg cracked me up at The Palace and then I wanted to book her after I saw this sketch. She just happened to be hanging out with Neel Nanda when I was booking him, so I got both of them right then and there.

Robert Vertrees was brand new like me, but I just dug his story.

I knew I'd never have to worry about Ken Garr.

Just read his awesome blog entry "One Year Later and Why I Should Quit"

I should've taken note and made my blog shorter! That dude is a complete professional and will never hesitate to give you his tour dates at the MGM in Las Vegas.

Jak Knight was edgy and exciting. Jon Durnell was the best thing about a bringer show I did at the Formosa. I didn't even know Lisa Landry, but Brian asked if she could be on. Same thing with Kevin James Moore, a buddy of Matty's.

Maagic Collins is one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I love his standup. He would show up to my afternoon Tribal mic on Saturdays. Very supportive guy.

I think I saw Rick Wood at Power Violence and he just blew me away.

Anyway, you get the fucking point, this was just an excuse to drop everyone's links. Jesus Christ.

One time I made the amateur mistake of messaging too many people at once and then having to tell one comic I'd put them on the next show. I got a lot of grief for that and I was pulling my hair out. I was getting a guilt trip from the disappointed comic and now I didn't want to book him at all. It was totally my fault, but I was just getting through the learning curve. Book carefully, and wait for your damn responses.

Another recurring thing that kept coming up is a comic wanting to bring a friend for a guest spot. It's a good rule of thumb to keep a spot open for a possible drop-in. Or just book less comics Marty. Aren't you glad you paid $200 for this helpful comedy workshop tip?

I was also planning on doing all these wacky sketches and transitions that had nothing to do with the stand-up comedy. I wanted to make it an event. I asked Chris Walsh if we could have an extended dialogue where the Walsh Brothers get in an argument with me and then pretend to shoot me from the audience...so now I'm suddenly on the level of The Walsh Brothers! Proposing bits. Chris was really nice about it and declined in the best way possible. He made me realize that I should only work on the hosting- not all this extra dressing. I'd be stressed out enough. Plus, The Walsh Brothers have their own thing going on and it's hilarious.

Claire helped me with some basic PR stuff; shooting out emails to various websites with LA calendars of events. Lot of people check online for free entertainment. I hit up LA Weekly early enough to get this delightful blip:

Did I pay anyone? I paid Dean Delray. I paid Brian Scolaro. It seems a little unfair now, I had The Walsh Brothers, Ron Babcock, Paul Danke, and Matty Goldberg, who all have a shitload of experience.

I got this dumb idea that I should write thank you notes to everyone else. Looking back, I gave comedians false hope of money in those envelopes, only to find a badly scrawled "thank you" with some shitty stick figure doodles. At least there were cookies at the gig.

Brian mentioned the 50 bucks onstage and I was really embarrassed. It exposed the inner-workings of my inexperience and that I was holding out on everyone else. I think I would do it differently now, but it was a free show.

2nd show was a lousy turn out, but I had a handful of people because they saw an ad in the "LAist" They specifically said, "We saw it in the LAist." It blew my mind. So you never know! Send those emails out.

Tony watched me have a mini-meltdown. I was stressing out because there was a band that was booked on a show immediately after and it was clear that I was going to run over their time. I thought if I gave up my own set and kept bringing the next comic up, we'd finish on time without cutting anyone's sets down.

Tony explained to me that I shouldn't of worried about that, that it was worse to bring the comics up cold. It's better to keep the audience warmed up, but I was hopping back on stage saying,

"Give it up for Ron Babcock, and now let's keep it moving- Matty Goldberg!"

I didn't get it. I thought running over my time would fuck things up and I'd never get to do a show again. I shouldn't of booked so many comics anyway- Paul Danke was going on dead last, and he'd been waiting around so long, I felt horrible. I should buy his album.

So don't sacrifice your time for the sake of the next show- be a good host, Wurst.

But that first show had a great turnout, especially for The Lexington. The comics were kind of impressed. That extra leg work paid off.

I remember I wanted to bring Dean Delray up to a Led Zeppelin song and I kept bothering Tony about it when the order changed. Then when the music came up, Dean was clearly stoked and that little moment meant a lot to me.

On his way out he yelled,

"Congratulations on your 1st year of stand up!"

Speaking of which, I asked Melina Paez if I could be in her "DropTheSoapTV" series, where comics do stand-up in her shower. It was a fun way to cap off my first year.

Okay, that was rather manic. Just a couple steps away from Denis Leary- uggh. Anyway, I STOPPED doing that. Here's a message to myself as I time-travel back to the shower,

Horrible jokes, asshole! Your taint is hilarious by the way.

I just want to thank the people that encouraged me or gave me useful information when I started bumbling my way through open mics that first year (July 2013-2014)

Brett Gilbert, Ric Rosario, Matty Goldberg, Tony Bartolone, Jason Van Glass, Ron Babcock, Dean Delray, Chris Walsh, Matt Walsh, Danny Lobell, Mollie Gross, Melina Paez, Brian Scolaro, Jamie Flam, Jeremiah Watkins, Mike Celestino, Justin Alexio, Neel Nanda, Mikey de Lara, Paul Danke, Ari Mannis, Lydia Robinson, Ryan Doolittle, Maagic Collins, Don Barris, Elissa Rosenthal, Rob Antus, K-von, Jarrett and Emily Galante, Christiane Georgi, Hiro Matsunaga, Greg James, Carly Craig, Matthew Hilton, Sally Mullins, Matt Sauter, Matt Gamarra, Donald McKinney, Ryan Kain, Jeremy Fultz, Del Weston, Derick Armijo, Alisha Morine, Nicole Malina, Devon Schwartz, Andy Salamone, Barbara Gray, Sean Conroy, Myles Weber, Ricky Winston, Frankie Ma, Rishi Arya, Brandon Birckz, Sean K., Mike Menendez, Jamar Neighbors, Mr. Goodnight, Erica Rhodes, Matt Champagne, David Gerhardt, The Martin Duprass, John Silver, Ryan Pfeiffer, Kevin Anderson, Whitney Melton, Kym Kral, Jared Levin, Kenneth Lion, Alex Croll, Adam Carr, Trevor James, Deon Williams, Amber Brashear, Pat Regan, Brad Silnutzer, Rob Weissman, Marty, Graham Curan, Eddie Pepitone, Quincy Johnson, Blythe Metz, Willie Dynamite, Freddy Morales, Marcela Perdomo, Nick Kaufman, Atelston Fitgerald Holder The 1st, Bruce Boiman, Tom Allen, Melissa Villasenor, Maria Bamford, Todd Glass, Lou Perez, Allison Anders, Jeremy Bassett, Tony Alfieri, Laura Niles, Tamoy Sherman, Chaliss Robinson, Eddie Whitehead Jr, Brent Weinbach, Jill Maragos, Jodi Miller, Luz Pazos, Brianna Murphy, Sasha Kapustina, Alain Villenueve, Brad James, Lauren Kiang, Yoav, Ken Garr, David Gregorian, Jordan Leer, Stefano Della Pietra, Down Under Comedy Club, Mike Garrison, Brad and Sara Harris, Thomas Hussey, Harold, Chino, Tiffany Gomes, Simon Gibson, Joe Wagner, Scott Luhrs, Jay Weingarten, Joe Kardon, Pedro Salinas, Willie Dynamite, Robert Vertrees, Amber Kenny, Karah Britton, Alison Tafel, David Hill, Andy Kosec, Micah Lile, Chris Putro, Kris Rubio, Jade Thom, Brodie Reed, Ryan Talmo, Kevin Lee, Kellie Ann, Jeanne Whitney, Jake Kroeger, Nikki Riordan, Tim Mars, Christian Chavez, Jake Adams, Louise Hung, Michael Donato, my Geffen peeps, all my Arclight friends, Stella friends, childhood friends and family that came out to support.

Or if you're just generally nice to me thanks. You gave me the strength to go out and bomb one more time.

Shout out to Mike Celestino's great documentary "That's Not Funny".

and finally To Claire:

For every time I called you up to moan out my discontent, only to be dissuaded from my stubborn misery because of your constant light, love, and gentle reasoning.

For those open mics you'll never be able to unsee.

I love you more than open mic comedians love pussy jokes.

And as you know, that's a hell of a lot.

Jamie Flam, artistic director at The Hollywood Improv, closing out 2015 with Claire at the VanJam. He proudly wore the ridiculous squid hat that she brought from the aquarium.

If you'd like to continue on to Year 2 click here

OR Send me back to Open Mic Hell click here

My you are a glutton for punishment. You must be a comedian!

My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows

How could anyone possibly book me after this set?

Oct. 27, 2013 was my second show at Flappers. At the time I felt it was okay. Now I can't stand to look at it. I'm out of breath. I'm frantic. It looks drug-induced. I'm trying to be Griffin Dunne in After Hours or something. It's like the time I was trying to be cool at Stella Adler by doing Eric Bogosian monologues in scene class. It just felt good to yell.

Jesus, I just checked, It even says that in my fucking journal,

My Set:

Wallet- "It felt good to yell!"

Bully Kids- "A little sloppy, but good!"

Open your eyes, mac!

After my set, a "talent scout" named Alexander takes me aside and wants to take my info down for The Comedy Store. He's very complimentary and I'm thinking, OH, I'm getting my just rewards! Holy shit this standup world is magical. Things are fucking happening!

I don't think I'd even stood in line for the Comedy Store's potluck open mic yet, but now I was already getting booked on a show!

1st experience backstage in the Comedy Room Green Room!

A video posted by Marty Wurst (@thewurstpictures) on Dec 4, 2013 at 8:49pm PST

I have a history of gullibility. I joined the American Radio Network on Sunset/Hobart when I was 19 and was totally convinced that I was producing my own radio show. I thought it was being broadcast somewhere. I was paying for time and living in a delusional world where I, like many overexcited morons that move to California, didn't know any better. I wanted to believe it SOO BAD. Just look what it says on their website:

"To all skeptics: The American Radio Network is not a SCAM!"

Haha, come on man! That's a definite red flag. That sounds like they've received thousands of accusations- it's the first thing in their statement! The website is shit, their equipment is shit, and it's still going! Denial is so powerful.

Anyway, so what are Bringer Shows to you non-comics? Well, you need a minimal amount of people to show up- preferably 5-10. My friends usually paid $15-20 bucks per entry, along with a 2-drink minimum.

So what's wrong with that?

Well, it's going to be a wildly uneven show because the line-up is stacked with new and inexperienced comics like me that SUCK. We're talking comics that are only a few months in, or maybe a year. Then at the end, Bobby Lee closes it out!

Well, at least the last guy was funny, even though I heard most of his jokes before.

My friends will never want to come out again because they just blew 40-50 bucks on a shit show and now I've just reinforced anyone's opinions of lousy comedy. Why go to a show at all? This is what it's like?

The whole thing is seductive because you're playing the historic rooms. The Original Room at the Comedy Store- Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey. I was on a show with a television star, Bobby Lee, I'm working my way up already!

I've had relatives ask me, "So when are you getting a comedy special?"

Nobody knows how this works! After that show I would've said,

"Give me a year!"

So I'm promoting my shows online and expected to bring in a number of friends every time. I bring in less friends every time because they've already supported my ass, and this shit is expensive. Suddenly I'm not booked. Or worse, the booker still wants me, but treats me like shit.

Here's a doo-dad example! Look at this idiot here:

So you see this dickhead, right?  He's convinced he's moving up in the world! The booker even made him a stupid flyer!

I was already starting to feel the pressure from the bringer shows after a couple of spots. Flappers always wanted a head count, but this is how they worded it,

*Our shows are not bringer required, but as a courtesy,  if you don't think you can get some fans to see you, we are happy to reschedule you for a show that may be more convenient."

In other words Marty, make some fucking friends and GRILL THEM until they GUARANTEE YOU THEY'RE COMING OUT- AND HAVE THEM CALL US WHEN THEY ARRIVE, SO WE CAN PREPARE TO SELL THEM SHIT WINGS! OR NO SHOW FOR YOU! I REPEAT, WE'RE NOT A BRINGER SHOW!!!!!  Just kind of.

One time I asked the booker up front if it was a bringer and the response was,

"Not really, it's not like others, I mean, you only need to bring a couple people out."

Oh, okay. So then I would do it.

I was sucked into another show when I was out of town. Someone from the Store referred me to another booker. She was all talk, asking for my credits, how much pay, how much experience I had- all business and sounding pre-recorded. My inexperience shined through my responses and she probably already knew. I agreed to the show after she talked me up and then I started feeling a little queasy about it. On the other hand, I told my mom the exciting news- another booking! 

I reached out to a fellow comic, Jeremiah Watkins:

12/21/13 "Hey Jeremiah, sorry to bother you during the holidays. I was just kind of shaken up by a bringer show situation and I would love to hear your take on it if you get a chance some time. I love comedy, I love comedians, but someone booked me a show and then made me feel like shit for not having more people committed to going. It was just weird and it felt like Glengarry Glen Ross "Always be CLOSING!" I'd be honored to make a cent from doing what I love at the moment, but I don't want to kill myself over this upcoming gig. I understand the importance of promoting, but I assume it's difficult for any beginner unless they have a built-in fanbase. Anyway, sorry- I don't know a lot of comedians yet and I only know you from Jake's podcast. Have a happy holiday man."

It's painful to read this. I was so clueless! Jeremiah responded back:

"Bringer shows suck, so don't feel bad that you didn't get a bunch of people out to that show. Keep hitting mics and working hard and you'll get to a point where if someone asks you to bring a certain amount of people, it's insulting. Do as many mics as you can and you'll get shows from people who aren't expecting you to bring anything but the funny. ONLY use bringer shows if you're in DESPERATE need to showcase for an agency or manager. Otherwise, good shows will organically come. Hope this helps."

"It does. Big time. Thank you buddy."

A flyer I left in the break room of the Geffen Playhouse.

I was working in the Box Office at The Geffen Playhouse when my cel started to ring. It was the booker. I stepped out and took the call.

"Hi Marty, I just wanted to see how many people you have confirmed."

....

"Just 2 so far," I said, which was a complete lie, but it was better than saying none. There was a pause on the line and then,

"Marty...that's not good enough."

I think my heart started beating faster as I absorbed the sinister tone that had wafted through the phone. What the hell?

"You have to message your friends on Facebook and get them to come out, and what about the flyer I made you? If you can't get at least 5 people out I don't think I'll be able to give you time, there are other comedians that can bring people."

I was stunned...and she must have felt it because I didn't respond for 10 seconds. I should've bailed out then.

"Marty?"

I stammered out some excuses and she sort of took pity on me and relented a bit,

"I'll get you up, but you have to try okay? Get on Facebook and message them."

It didn't matter anymore. I wasn't looking forward to the show because in the back of my mind I could hear that bitch's voice asking how many people were coming. I'd had friends come out to past shows, but this time I was just dried up. I shouldn't of cared, but I didn't know the score, I thought I wasn't going to be able to do stand-up comedy like I wanted. I thought I had to do these fucking bringer shows.

My girlfriend was keeping me at bay, I could vent to her at least. I didn't really have anyone else I could talk to. Trying to explain this shit to any non-comic is exhausting because there's all these potential, "So, shouldn't you promote?" kind of responses that might lead to an argument. I want to enjoy doing my standup, not worry about who's getting off the fucking 101. I'm not a promoter.

She called on the day of the show,

"MAKE ONE LAST PUSH!"

Unexpectedly, my friend Nikki turned up and her presence was much needed. So I had ONE PERSON. Just 4 below good enough. 1 out of 104 invites.

The M bar was falling apart in spectacular fashion. It used to be a hotspot for comedy and burlesque shows, but now it needed someone to pull the trigger. The credit card machines were down, half of the menu wasn't available and yet the staff insisted that people order shit. Get cash!

When I got there, the booker was getting drunk and talking business with the owner.

I met a young comic named Trevor James. He was in the same anxious boat as me, with zero friends showing up. I quickly bonded with him. Finally, our horrible boss marched up to us, and gave us a few instructions, never bothering to talk to us like human beings.

I visited my friend Nikki for a moment, who was being pretty cool about the M-Bar situation, and then the booker is calling me over,

"Marty, I NEED YOU TO BE HERE IF I'M GOING TO PUT YOU UP 2ND! *poke* YOU CAN'T BE LEAVING *poke* YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT THE OTHER COMICS!"

This bitch was aggressively poking me in the chest. I couldn't believe it.

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," I said.

She marched off. I was livid. I didn't even know how much time I was doing.

The order was changed several times. I ended up going on 5th or 6th. The booker also did a set. It was like watching a drunk relative fall onto a wedding cake. She was embarrassing herself. Then the headliner went up and wasn't getting much love. He was drunk too and took it out on the audience, calling a guy in the front row a faggot. His Brooklyn buddies were egging him on, so he dragged his set out for 15 minutes repeating,

"THIS IS MY SHOW!" Killer stuff. I don't think I've seen a set like that since.

After this disaster, I split without saying goodbye, sat with my friend Nikki in her car for a minute and thanked her for being there, despite all the bullshit. I would've felt worse if I subjected more of my friends to the M Bar- I'm lucky only Nikki showed. She paid to see that.

When I got home I blocked that bringer bitch from all my social media.

Never again.

Until a couple more times at The Ice House, The C-Word in The Belly Room (both of which I enjoyed) and The Formosa Cafe (fuck that guy).

I know a handful of people that are still doing bringer shows. Some new people, and a few comics that are 3 years like me. They seem content. Or maybe they're just as clueless as I was, but do I interfere?  After all, I'm the one performing in dive bars, they're playing at respectable CLUBS! I must be the one in the wrong, right? Maybe they just have unlimited friends.

Thank God that shit is over with.

I didn't go through the M-Bar experience alone. Thanks, Nikki!

Oh, and I found this video I posted on Facebook, promoting the dreaded M-Bar show. I had clearly given up and this was a coping mechanism to keep from having a complete meltdown.

To continue to Open Mic Hell click here

You're a brave soul...

OR to go back to the BREWCO click here

My First and Worst Year Doing Stand-Up Comedy: Westwood BREWCO and Onward

3 years in. This is a rundown of some of my favorite things and most cringe-worthy moments that happened in my stand-up journey so far. It's a list to remind myself because I don't want to forget. Even the stuff I wish I could, like when the host cut the mic on me 3 minutes into a ten minute set because I said "cock." 

I'm not a great writer, so I apologize if this style is hard on the eyes. I'll try to get my girlfriend Claire to proof-read it later. Maybe you can recommend a background color that's easier on the eyes. I'll try to include a lot of pictures and clickable links whenever I reference a particular open mic or venue, so you can see what these places look like.

In 2013 I told myself I'd give stand-up comedy a year and then decide if I wanted to continue. It wasn't so much a bucket-list, but a personal goal because I'd been doing comedy in different forms for a number of years. Plus I felt like my soul had bottomed out after a nasty break up and I think I was just trying to go balls out on something new and exciting.

I was listening to comedy podcasts, I started dating Claire and I saw a great show with her at the Improv with Jen Kirkman and Eddie Pepitone. I think the excitement of the possibility was building in my head. I tried to convince my friend Matt to start with me, but he went his own way. It was one of those weak pacts like,

"Hey man, you want to fast for 7 days?"

And then by the end of day one,

"Hey man, you want to hit Del Taco and split a chocolate cake?"

1. I went to Westwood BrewCo's final open mic, which was a long-running, highly regarded place run by Vance Sanders and Robert Yasumura, who were worshipped. Many great comedians had honed their craft there- it was a place that was serious about comedy. That night was more of a somber farewell with guest drop-ins. I was a total outsider and didn't know any comedians yet, but I worked just around the corner at the Geffen Playhouse. I got the idea that I was going to cause a stir- make an undeniable first impression. I was going to do something CRAZY.

If I got called up, the plan was to perform Robert Yasumura's material AS Robert Yasumura, as a sly nod, but mostly because it was a cocky thing to do and I could sort of mock him at the same time. We're talking a highly respected comedian, not to mention one of the FOUNDERS of BREWCO. Real dickhead plan, Marty, Good on you. Totally shitting on the event because I thought I had to go in STRONG!

I studied his routine for 30 minutes and convinced myself that I was ready. I honestly thought that everyone would love it. Oh man, he's doing Robert's material- that's so funny!

The merciful comedy gods were on my side that night. Robert didn't pull my name out of the bucket. He got to one newbie, but it wasn't me. Thank God. it would've undoubtedly been my first lesson in humility and would've backfired a million times over. I would've burned so many bridges, slurring through the routine with several beers in me, probably forgetting the jokes, while the other comics would just marvel at the idiot that was committing suicide at their mic.

What a total douchebag.

It didn't happen though. I'm so GRATEFUL I didn't get to make that first impression.

2. July 14, 2013. 

I read about Marty's on Badslava. There were hilarious reviews and it seemed like the perfect dumpy place to get my first performance out of the way. It didn't sound like anyone would be paying attention, which was good. Like going to a whorehouse to lose my virginity. Quick, sad, and over. So I went there, paid my 5 bucks, and Marty brought me up.

"Hey, going to try and work out my jitters," I said.

I performed maybe 2-3 minutes out of a possible 10-15. My set-list was as follows:

My Last Name, Bob Marley, Cat-Clicking, Man of Steel, "You're Cuter!" and Normalize Breast Feeding.

A comic named Austin said,

"That was your first time? That was good man." I remember I loved one of his punchlines,

"It was the elephantitus in the room, but nobody said anything."

Chuck Bronson was there, along with some performance artist called DYSFUNCTIONAL.

I had survived my first mic. The next week, I went to Marty's again, then Sal's Comedy Hole, then Meltdown Comics. The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club was mysteriously closed one night and I never had a chance to go back.

3. After weeks of bombing I got my first "big laugh" at The Palace.

"Had a great open mic last night- my first break thru where I heard the whole audience laugh.  Now I want to chase after that moment again and again.  Been going to some really interesting venues- last night was the 2nd floor of a Chinese Restaurant." (from an e-mail to a friend.)

That was a game changer. I accidentally connected or something, but getting a small group of comedians to laugh was very special. I should've thrown the mic down and said,

"Holy shit, I'm done," and walked away from comedy forever. I'd never get a group of comedians to laugh again.

4. I was huffing it back to the train from the Dangerfield's 3 mic and I saw Paul Scheer and his transparent party tour bus slow down next to me. It was for the "Crash Test" pilot he was filming with Rob Huebel. I had my earphones in and couldn't make out what he was saying, but he was waving to me, so I just saluted back. I had my Long Shot Podcast t-shirt on and I felt like I was having my first comedy nerd moment. I've had Hollywood moments- I've been out here since '99, but that was the first thought of, Hey, I'm one of you guys! I'm doing comedy too! Can I get a ride? No? WELL FUCK YOU, HUMAN GIANT SUCKS!

5. I was consistently hosting at Echoes Under Sunset because no one else would. What a great opportunity! Christian was so cool to me and never hesitated to give up the reigns to young and eager comics. I was suddenly on stage, bringing people up, fucking up their names, apologizing profusely, bombing spectacularly, and often! Great way to start remembering names and faces though. I was writing helpful pronunciations on the side of their actual names,

"Jeff WATT-AND-HAW-FUR."

I was so confused when comics were angry about me fucking up their name, yet they refused to tell me the actual pronunciation!

"No, let me have this to hate about you Wurst. Go fuck yourself new guy!"

Despite my bumbling on stage, I managed to make a few friends. One night I was doing a heckler character and I swear there was only two people watching, but one of them was Tony Bartolone. He came up to me after and said he liked my bit. He was really enthusiastic about it. He asked me if I could do a little improvised bit on a show he was doing. My first real booking!

6. I kept a comedy journal of my first year. I wrote down names of comics that I liked with a star. Ron Babcock- "Funny!" Matt Champagne. Ester Steinberg.

"Jake Cannon told us all to leave." (from a Sal's set)

Dave Ross. I also marked the comics that were doing stuff outside of the box. Some of them I hated. Some of them I liked. Some I hated, started talking to them, and then realized I'd made a bad call. I made a lot of bad calls. First impressions were usually way off, with the exception of GT. I met comics and then listened to them being interviewed on podcasts. More confirmation that I had been wrong. So many interesting people.

7. Chris Putro saw me at The Other Door and put me on his Crispy Comedy Show. 8 minutes seemed like an hour, so I prepared a lot that night.

8. One night when I was bumbling through my hosting duties at Echoes, I brought up Maria Bamford. I barely got her name out.

Some of my favorite ladies in comedy showed up at the Echoes Under Sunset open mic that night. Maria Bamford, Melissa Villasenor and Amber Kenny!

9. I did Tony's show at The Lexington and played a wrestler obsessed with John Cena.  Eddie Pepitone was the headliner that night and he saw me perform. At one point I called the audience a bunch of assholes and I heard Eddie's cackle for a moment. Man that felt good.

10. I hosted at Tribal Cafe for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon for 6 months. I had plenty of time to practice by myself, because ...not a lot of foot traffic.. I was lucky to have more than 3 in the audience. Jeanne Whitney occasionally hosted with me. Anyway, it could be pretty bleak, but I met some cool people like Maagic Collins and Tamoy Sherman. Then there was the guy in the cowboy hat.

It was already a crazy day because earlier, a fight almost broke out. Some guy was performing and it was one of those aggressive uncomfortable sets and Tamoy made the mistake of telling the guy to tell some jokes. That escalated into a shouting match and it was clearly going to get ugly, so I cut the mic and told the guy to leave.

"FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" was his parting argument.

Yeah, we all thank our lucky stars for having freedom of speech whenever an asshole rants on the mic.

Anyway, so that left things tense. So then the dude with the cowboy hat enters.

He's an older man, not particularly funny, and I'm guessing he's just one of the many eccentric characters that hang out in Echo Park.

He made jokes about going postal and with a grin he opens up his shirt to reveal he's strapped with dynamite.

Claire was there, she can vouch for this.

Of course it wasn't real, it couldn't be, but the day had taken a turn and it would've been entirely appropriate for some dude to walk in and kill us all- that was the punchline! I told one comedian he had to leave and another popped in to blow us up! Hilarious.

Claire said it had to be candles. So now everything is weird in the room, he's still doing his set and next he unsheathes a samurai sword. I'd failed to notice he had a sword on him, I know this is surreal.

He's waving it around and there was no mistaking it, a real sword. It's a David Lynch moment, the dude is still grinning like he's my friend, he even asks me,

"Did I get the light?"

"I'm not going to light you, you got the sword," I said.

He finished his set and left. The bored, unaffected Tribal employee failed to notice this was even happening. The service always sucked there anyway. I called it a day and quit early.

In the following weeks I went to Fanatic Salon, IO West, House of Tacos and Rockpaper Coffee. Jamar Neighbors was hosting at the Hollywood Improv on the main stage. What a fun mic.

I took the bus to Burbank and had my first audition at Flappers- nailed those 3 minutes. I practiced it until 3am the night before. I'm sure that was completely unnecessary. That lead to my exhilarating, but mostly painful experience with bringer shows, so I'll stop here. I can't wait to re-live the next chapter.

To be continued in the next day or so...

To go to the next entry about Bringer Shows, click here

Comedy Album Preview

Yes, it's true. So many of my peers are recording albums and I've decided to take it one step further. No audience. No production. Just one track.

I'm not even selling this shit- it's yours!  May the comedy gods reign over me!