YEAR 2: The Worst Comedian (Part 2)
LA/Long Beach open mic experiences, bringer shows, self-produced shows, Kill Tony podcast, failures, regrets, minor victories and unpleasantries.
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Best Open Mics of 2016
Hey, I'm Marty Wurst and I review open mics on my Instagram. Comedy seems to come second.
It's fun to tell my family where I go to open mics.
I get to say I do comedy in gay bars, sports bars, dive bars, rock bars, at the Scientology Celebrity Center, in front of a green screen, at a bagel shop, Chinese restaurants, book stores, art galleries, backyards, record stores, wine bars, a comic book shop, a wine cellar, a grocery store, a bowling alley, a garage IN AN ALLEY, hotels, outside a hot dog joint, inside a hot dog joint, a thrift store, a barbershop, some pizzerias, in a number of coffee shops, comedy clubs, and black box theaters...on a boat, in a cheese shop, and at an AA meeting. Just think about how crazy that sounds. I can't wait to see where I end up this year.
Laundromat, butchershop, nursing home? 101 Freeway mic. Sex shop mic has to happen. How about a D-list celebrity's home? Hang on to the side of a plane on takeoff like Tom Cruise and everyone in the plane can hear you do comedy! Tasty riffs about dying, comedians love that shit!
There were 50 new mics that popped up this year, but I think I made a pretty good dent. ONWARDS!
WINNERS OF 2016
Alright, let me just say up front, I didn't know how to consistently separate these mics into the appropriate categories, whether to include mics that had folded, or write out every single mic into every category- it was too much to wrap my head around. Plus I screwed up a question where you couldn't write in your own answer- the "Best Bucket" mic was limited to 4 answers only, so I apologize. I corrected it, but it probably cost certain mics the winning votes...I'm a dick.
SEE?
This is just for fun. We all have our favorite mics and we're loyal to them. I just thought it'd be cool to show you what mics are out there and maybe you'll consider checking one out some day. Or maybe you'll snub me next time you see me.
"Hey asshole, saw the results. Thanks for leaving my mic off the list ya DOUCHEWURST!"
I hit a lot of these mics only ONCE, so YOUR VOTES will also help me decide whether I should return.
I really want to give all the solid open mics props, I really do. Anyway, I won't muck it up next time. If it makes you feel better, The Joke Gym never gets props.
ON TO THE WINNERS!
BEST FEEDBACK MIC
Comedian's Choice Flappers Burbank
Open Mic Reviews Fanatic Salon
No pictures in this category, sorry!
BEST BUCKET MIC
Comedian's Choice "Mouthypants" at The Other Door
Open Mic Reviews Grounded Cafe
Honorable Mentions BAPS Hollywood Hotel mic TIED with Sabor y Cultura
BUCKET TIME! "Mouthypants" at The Other Door was like the CHEERS of open mics. Meeting with friends, getting drunk, and doing comedy. Kym Kral and Whitney Melton are the biggest sweethearts and made everyone feel welcome. Now the torch has been passed on to Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton, who keep that love going every TUES. Email killermicotherdoor@gmail.com by Monday at 5 PM. 20 names will be chosen at random. Join Killer Mic on Facebook Sign-up for 20 lottery spots starts at 8pm at the show. 10437 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood.
And now...it's time for a very special presentation of
THE JARED LEVIN AWARDS!
Jared Levin is a comedian in Los Angeles. He's humped over a thousand stools on various stages across the mid-west. You may know Jared as the comic who cleverly uses the mic stand as a semi-automatic weapon, his way of paying tribute to Jeff Carrisalez. That makes him over-qualified to give out awards.
BEST OPEN MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR
Comedian's Choice Marty's
Open Mic Reviews Blacklight District Lounge (trust me)
Honorable Mention Liquid Zoo
The Blacklight District Lounge in Long Beach is what comic hell is like. I can't recommend it, because you'll hear the darkest, most fucked up depressing shit. I feel like rape jokes were born here. You'll hear N-bombs and misogyny and no one will laugh. All your jokes will get the same reaction. NOTHING. Every once in awhile, a comic may chuckle, but it'll shake you! You do get a nice chunk of time (10-15 minutes) and the hosts are always friendly, but it's a sad place. Bar Rescue couldn't even rescue this place- Blacklight District Lounge rejected them! They said,
"No thanks! We're happy wallowing in shit, now get THE FUCK OUT!"
If you're a glutton for punishment like I am, come on through!
BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET
Comedian's Choice Tribal
Open Mic Reviews Marty's
Honorable Mentions Sal's Comedy Hole, Rockpaper Coffee
Marty's at 7351 Sunset Blvd (entrance on Martel) This is home base for a lot of comics. For good reason. You can do 10-30 minutes between two rooms. Hang out, shoot the shit, have some coffee, order pizza, charge your phone, etc. You might not have an audience. Sometimes you do. Some comics may suggest tags for your bits- they get into it here- finding the funny. It can be lively. People return after years of being away.
It was good for my first mic because I knew in advance that it would be a low pressure environment. Lose my virginity quick and get it over with- done. It wasn't pretty, but I did my first set. Marty is supportive. This is a convenient location for a lot of comics and it's open every day! MON-FRI 5-11pm and SAT-SUN 7-11pm. $5 includes coffee and plenty of stage time.
Just don't bring your girlfriend here, that'll prompt Marty to tell his string of rape/incest jokes.
BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT OPEN MIC
Comedian's Choice The Palace
Open Mic Reviews The Palace
Joe Kardon hosts at The Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz. On some nights, this room can feel as tough as The Comedy Store. A lot of great comics have done their time here. I've always loved Joe's intros. TUES The mic is after the booked show, which starts around 9:50pm. Lottery. 4 minutes.
BEST MIC THAT FOLDED TOO SOON
Comedian's Choice Days Inn
Open Mic Reviews Los Globos
Honorable Mentions Blackbull Chophouse
Nikki Black and Ellie McElvain were behind the Los Globos mic. It started great and they maintained a fun atmosphere in an intimate room. Plus they found a bag of coke on the stage that some band had left from the night before.
BEST B-LINE PAST THE COMEDIAN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
Comedian's Choice Karma Lounge (beads!!)
Open Mic Reviews Scallywags
"Plan B" open mic at Scallywags barbershop. A great all-comic mic in Fullerton that had the unique sheet metal backdrop/bathroom door directly behind the performer. There's no way you could ignore it and I especially loved when a comic would end their set, then immediately turn around to go to the bathroom. R.I.P. Scallywags!
LOUDEST OPEN MIC
Comedian's Choice Big Wang's
Honorable Mention Wine Bar (Long Beach)
Open Mic Reviews Dog Haus
Honorable Mention Wine Bar (Long Beach)
Alex Duong hosting at Big Wangs in Hollywood. Sure it may be one of the loudest, but Alex said it right, "This is where you get good. If you can be funny here, you can do any room." He hosts "The Best of 3rd Worlds Comedy" with Haiti every MON and they're a riot. Sign up at 10pm, starts at 11. 1-item minimum. 5 minutes.
BEST SAFE SPACE MIC
Comedian's Choice Tao Comedy Studio
Open Mic Reviews Tao Comedy Studio
Honorable Mentions Irvine Improv, The Clown House
Bobby Oliver (not pictured here) runs The Tao Comedy Studio on Beverly Blvd. No malicious content here. As she puts it, "Take your rape jokes to Marty's because I'm too old for this shit!" Supportive and fun. MON at 8pm (women only) and FRI at 8pm. $5 which includes a drink. 5 minutes.
I also got a voicemail from a great comic/friend, Jeanne Whitney. Here's her take on safe space mics.
And now...another installment of the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!
BEST DIVE BAR MIC
Comedian's Choice Liquid Zoo
Honorable Mentions Lexington, M-Bar
Open Mic Reviews M-Bar
Honorable Mentions Lexington, The Blvd
The M Bar in East LA. This is definitely one of those hidden gems in the open mic scene. Steven Moreno and Tony Alfieri host. Great underground vibe, like you're hanging out in somebody's basement. Sometimes Steven brings churros. Hit it up on SUN Sign up 8:30pm, starts at 9. A 1-item minimum gets you 7 minutes!
BEST NEW OPEN MIC
Comedian's Choice Cask & Hammer, Arlyn Pillay Gallery TIED for 2nd with Scientology Celebrity Center (haha) and Molly Bloom's
Honorable Mention Delicious Vinyl TIED with Meea's Hot Dogs
Open Mic Reviews Free Wifi, Meea's Hot Dogs, The Whisperer
Honorable Mention The Blvd
Free Wifi at The Union House, Downtown LA. Come on, that's a great set-up! Really impressed by this mic; first outdoor night mic I've been to that's really lit well. It's a fun stage and they're energetic hosts: Jessica Dyer, Robbie Bruens, Phillip Maxwell Binder, and Tara McGorry. TUES starts at 8pm, but you can sign up as late as 10! Rolling lottery. $1 for 5 minutes or 3 minutes for free. A bargain!
BEST HECKLERS
Comedian's Choice Liquid Zoo
Honorable Mention Anchor Bar
Open Mic Reviews Anchor Bar
Honorable Mention The Cork Lounge
Ryan Talmo (The Valley Jesus) hosts at the Liquid Zoo in Van Nuys. Alas, the WED mic with Ron Swallow is no more, but you can still get your heckle fix on Sundays with Talmo. I don't know much from experience, but I recall countless posts online about crazy shit that went down at the Zoo. It's a great dive bar and for a 1-item minimum you get 7 minutes. Sign up on SUN at 8:30pm.
BEST OPEN MIC WITHIN A 2-BLOCK RADIUS
Comedian's Choice Venice Grind
Open Mic Reviews Venice Grind
Venice Grind is an impressive mic run by Shannon O' Donnell. It has great atmosphere, feels more like a show, and Shannon is constantly running around to make sure things are going smoothly. Nice to have a host that's an ace with sound too. Great mixed mic option! Sign up Sunday at 5pm, starts at 6. Lottery. 3-5 minutes.
BEST OPEN MIC THAT ENDED IN 2016
Comedian's Choice Echoes Under Sunset, Scallywags, "Mouthypants" at The Other Door
Honorable Mention Main St. Bar and Cabaret
Open Mic Reviews Murder Room, Main St. Bar and Cabaret, Echoes Under Sunset
Honorable Mention Days Inn
Echoes Under Sunset in Echo Park. Lot of great memories for a lot of comics. Another home base. Fantastic space. Christian and Jasmine Chavez were so generous and always friendly. A countless number of shows were produced here. I got to bring Maria Bamford on this stage. It was such a good training ground for new comics, you could volunteer to host. Great hang. Could be a really tough room at times. There were a lot of young guys on stage venting about their worthless lives, but I met some of my favorite people here. Anyone who misses it should go through Christian's amazing album on Facebook-dive into a giant tasty bowl of seasoned chips and go through the memories.
BEST MIXED MIC
Comedian's Choice Tribal Cafe
Honorable Mention Venice Grind
Open Mic Reviews Slip Bar and Eatery
Honorable Mention The Lost Bean
Tribal Cafe in Echo Park! Random hosts, or no host at all, but you can reliably get some time MON-THURS or on SUN. They all start at 6pm. $4 purchase minimum, but the food is grubbin! Another great choice for a first mic; it's low pressure, you will learn to deal with the occasional blender, and you can always ask if they need a host. Get some experience in!
BEST DIY MIC
Comedian's Choice Garage Behind Food 4 Less
Honorable Mention Workout Room in Hollywood
Open Mic Reviews Meea's Hot Dogs
Honorable Mention Holy Grounds and Coffee (love that stage!)
The Garage Behind Food 4 Less in Los Angeles. This is Victor Martinez Jr's creation and it's fucking dope. Longer sets, snacks, beer, you can park right in the alley, and get some decent time. If piss-smelling, trash covered alleys isn't your thing, well you're probably free of STDs, but I dig it!
1717 S Western Ave. SAT starts at 10:30pm First, come, first served. 7-8 minutes.
This shit ain't over...another winner takes it all in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!
BEST MIC TO GET BAKED
Comedian's Choice Garage Behind Food 4 Less
Honorable Mention Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch
Open Mic Reviews Boat Mic
Honorable Mention Rafa's Lounge
If you ever see Boat Mic pop up on The Comedy Bureau again, find a way to get on it! Tim Spencer is a gracious host and puttering around Marina del Rey is a wonderful way to spend a night. Can't imagine a better place getting high either...you're one with nature broooooo.
BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC
Comedian's Choice Sabor y Cultura
Honorable Mentions The Library, Solar de Cahuenga
Open Mic Reviews Grounded Cafe
Honorable Mentions Coffee+Food, The Library
Sabor y Cultura mic with The Martin Duprass. They were kick ass hosts that kept it energetic and fun. They gave out prizes, used clappers, and made you feel okay about waiting around for a couple hours. Anyway, they just recently passed the torch over to Bryan Vokey and Christian Pieper- very funny guys. Sabor has a great menu, plenty of space and there's people all over the place, which makes it kind of fun. Like two sets of audiences to play to. FRI Sign up at 8pm. Lottery. 3 minutes.
BEST FOOD
Comedian's Choice Karma Lounge
Open Mic Reviews Karma Lounge
Honorable Mention Tribal Cafe (over 100 items on their menu! Great grub.)
Karma Lounge makes the best sliders I've ever had. Truffle fries are outrageous too. I had these two nights ago and I forgot to take my own picture!
BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION
Comedian's Choice Flappers Bar (Burbank)
Honorable Mention Mel's Drive-In
Open Mic Reviews Flappers (Claremont)
Honorable Mention Hooters
Claremont Flappers won me over. Every time I've gone, there has been a solid audience. Flappers Yoo-Hoo room in Burbank is a great late night option too- they had a great audience, but Claremont was even better. When there are more customers in the audience than comics waiting to go up, that's saying something. It's definitely clicky here, but it's worth it for the audience. THURS Sign up at 9-9:30pm. Starts at 10. First come, first served. 3 minutes.
BEST ALL-COMIC AUDIENCE
Comedian's Choice The Clubhouse
Honorable Mentions Max Bloom's TIED for 2nd with Murder Room, and Hyperion Tavern TIED for 3rd with Pig N' Whistle
Open Mic Reviews Grounded Cafe
Honorable Mentions Murder Room, T&L Pollo's
The Clubhouse in Los Feliz. You wouldn't know that there's a ton of great comedy going on next to Jons in an ugly strip mall. Another hidden gem for the comedy nerds. The Clubhouse has multiple rooms with a sweet MST3K mural out front. Open mic is FRI Sign up at 6pm. 6:30 start. Lottery. 3 minutes. Jace Avery and Connor McNutt host.
Who will win next in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS?
BEST CROWD
Comedian's Choice Anchor Bar
Honorable Mention Irvine Improv
Open Mic Reviews Anchor Bar
Honorable Mention Hooters
This is the best way to show you what the Anchor Bar experience is like. A picture won't capture it. Take a look at Duke Fightmaster's fantastic ongoing series and tell me you don't want to be a part of it! Even when it's really late, there's usually a few die-hard comedy fans that stick it out.
BEST MIC FOR LONGER SETS
Comedian's Choice Paladino's (8 minutes)
Honorable Mention M-Bar (7-8 minutes)
Open Mic Reviews Doll Hut (10 minutes)
Honorable Mention The Nectar Lounge (8 minutes)
The Doll Hut is an awesome punk bar in Anaheim. There's just something about this room that's FUN. Joshua Waldrop hosts and produces the Red Guerrilla Funhouse show on the 2nd Wednesday of every month- the open mic follows it. Even on slow nights it's a great hang. Joshua is a great dude and will always get you up. This is my home base! 10 minute sets.
BEST MIC TO PERFORM 3 MINUTES
Comedian's Choice The Lab at The Hollywood Improv
Honorable Mention Comedy Store Potluck
Open Mic Reviews Anchor Bar
Honorable Mention Westside Comedy Theater
Ken Garr and Avery Pearson hosting at The Lab. There is definitely an energy in this room and it always feels like a privilege to perform here. Always a great mix of people in the crowd. Plus Ken and Avery are great- total professionals. There's two different mics and they're both great. You'll like being on that stage so much, it'll burn your ass if they don't draw your name, especially after 2 hours. TUE Sign up at 5:45pm or SUN Sign up at 9:30pm
BEST COMEDY CLUB OPEN MIC
Comedian's Choice The Lab at The Improv
Open Mic Reviews Comedy Store Potluck
The Comedy Store Potluck is on MON sign up at 6pm. Results are posted around 6:45 on the window. 3 minutes. I always think of it as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I GOT THE GOL-DEN TI-CKET!!!" It's always a long shot, but man it's pretty great when you strike it rich. Tough ass room with all that history. Nothing like it.
BEST OUTDOOR MIC
Comedian's Choice Workout Room in Hollywood
Honorable Mention Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch
Open Mic Reviews Yardwork Mic
Honorable Mention Meea's Hot Dogs
The Workout Room in Hollywood. Simon Gibson, Megan Rice, Jeff Sewing, Greg Edwards, Doug Dixon, and Leah Kayajanian host this great outdoor mic. Free beer, pizza, and a warm fire. Donate and help them keep it going, it's a supportive all-comic mic. 1243 N. Gower FRI Sign up at 7:30pm, starts at 8. Some 7 minute spots, then 3.
BEST HOST TO HANDLE HECKLERS
Comedian's Choice Evan Cassidy
Honorable Mention Erik Marino
Open Mic Reviews Evan Cassidy
Honorable Mention Vanessa Gritton
As a last minute addition, I found a great example of Evan working his magic at The Anchor Bar, courtesy of Duke Fightmaster!
BEST $5 MIC
Comedian's Choice Marty's
Honorable Mention Tao Comedy Studio
Open Mic Reviews El Cid
Honorable Mention Pig N' Whistle
El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles. I just love the variety show feel with the list of performers posted backstage. It feels like I'm in the cast of The Muppet Show. Jugglers, musicians, magicians and comics. The room looks like a 16th century tavern. It's pretty damn fun for an open mic, I would try it! MON Sign up at 7:30pm. $5 entry. 4 minutes.
Before the big winners, we have the final, highly coveted, JARED LEVIN AWARD!
BEST OVERALL OPEN MIC
Comedian's Choice Anchor Bar, The Other Door, Comedy Store Potluck
Honorable Mention Brix
Open Mic Reviews Brix, Anchor Bar, Yardwork
Honorable Mention Doll Hut
Brix in Sunset Beach. Love the audience of locals and tourists. It's right by the ocean and there's great food. Plus John is one of the nicest guys on the scene. It's a win-win. Join Sunset Beast/Brix Comedy on Facebook. WED Show starts at 8pm, open mic follows. 16635 Pacific Coast Highway, Sunset Beach
BEST OPEN MIC HOST
Comedian's Choice Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar), John Silver (Brix), Ryan Talmo(Liquid Zoo)
Honorable Mention Vanessa Gritton and Kevin Anderson (The Other Door)
Open Mic Reviews Brian Biancardi (Murder Room), Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar) The Martin Duprass (Sabor y Cultura)
Honorable Mention Kristal "The Pistol" at The Short Stop. She hosted half of the mic, but she cranked it up to 11. Force to reckon with.
Brian Biancardi is a delightful human being. He really got the room fired up with chants of "MURD-DER" while flooding the room with multi-colored lights. It sounds stupid as I'm writing this, but you had to be there. One of the great all-comic open mics to go to. I'm just sorry I never came through for the setup outside- totally missed out. R.I.P. Murder Room.
OKAY, that's pretty much it, but I have one more guest contributor, Chad who was kind enough to take time out of his epic schedule to leave me a voicemail.
Thanks Bro. You can check out more Chad here.
Special shout out to Nolan at Dromebox Labs, which is also a fantastic mic that everyone should check out. Just a great creative atmosphere to be around.
Dromebox Labs puts out new content daily. Go to the open mic, get involved, guest on someone's show! Click the link I left above for more info, or join their Facebook page.
I know this post is long enough, but I'd like to include some of the generous responses I got from a handful of great comedians I reached out to. Here are some of their favorite mics:
Ali Macofsky- Sabor y Cultura, Anchor Bar, Grounded (R.I.P.)
Anne Flagg- The Hideaway Cafe, Cask & Hammer
Seth Woodward- T&L Pollo's, Max Bloom's, Arlyn Pillay Gallery
Charles Mockler- Meea's Hot Dogs, Tribal Cafe, Free Wifi at Union House
Meea's Hot Dogs in Eagle Rock keeps coming up, so here it is. It's one of the best open mics going now, so check it out! TUES Sign up at 5:30pm. Starts at 6. 5 minutes. Hosted by Vince Caldera and Luis Lemus (pictured above)
Rachel Mac- The Good Nite, Chatterbox, Lyric Hyperion Theater SAT 3pm.
Chatterbox in Covina. It'll put my mind at ease to include this open mic. I get the sense that it's in the top 5, but it barely got any love in this post. I just haven't been around in awhile. THURS Starts at 8pm, so get your name in the hat- STAT! 5 minutes.
Jonathan Green- Marty's, Comedy Store Potluck, Big Wangs, The Next Stage, "Trapped With Comics" at The Lexington SUN Sign up at 5pm.
Chris Dunham- Anchor Bar, Robin Hood British Pub, Fourth Wall (favorite all-comic audience), Hooters (best crowd)
Spencer Kalendar- Pig N' Whistle, Cahuenga General Store (great food too)
Courtney Banks- Sunday Bomb Open Mic Brunch at 1pm, TUES at the Improv, Solar de Cahuenga (most supportive) Lexington "Trapped w/ Comics"
Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood. TUES Sign up at 7:30pm Starts at 8. Lottery mixed in with booked spots. 4 minutes. Hosted by Chris Sanders and Cooper Lee (pictured above)
Robbie Goodwin- Meltdown, Karma Lounge "Bunney Ranch" THURS 6:15pm (message Jacob Bunney in advance and add Bunney Ranch on Facebook)
Sami Sutker- Karma Lounge and "Let's Get Weird" at The Hollywood Hotel. THURS 7:30pm Lottery. 1-item min. 4 minutes. Hosted By Dave Cerwonka.
Mr. Goodnight- "I'd give Grandview Market Best Open Mic in a Grocery Store!"
Grandview Market in Mar Vista. I wish I got the angle with the actual store part of it, it's pretty funny that people are shopping. Solid mic though. 12210 Venice Blvd. WED sign up at 6:30pm, starts at 7. 4 minutes.
Sorry if your mic didn't get a mention. It doesn't mean it sucks, there are so many damn mics! There are a ton of mics that are run well, but maybe they don't necessarily stick out yet. I'm not putting out a worst-of-list. I think we know which ones suck. I'd rather not talk about those. Besides, someone else might like it, why dump on it?
Oh all right. Good riddance to THIS MIC!
Ali giving it her all at The Man Cave in Universal City. There were more than 40 televisions in this fucking place. Takes a real genius to think that this would make a great setting for an open mic. This is just one little corner of an obnoxious sports bar from hell. I'm so glad it got buried.
Big thanks to Jake Kroeger of The Comedy Bureau. Always on top of his shit every freakin day and providing us with the essential open mic/show guide. Drop him a donation!
Matt Cole for his awesome OC open mic list!
He runs the Cask & Hammer mic and it's another favorite- check that out too!
Openmikes.org, Badslava, and anyone who has ever told me about a random mic, or had nice things to say about "open mic reviews," it means a lot to know you're checking it out. If I was a better comedian, my reviews would really hold weight!
Shout out to all the awesome people that run open mics outside of California!
Thank you for all your votes and indulging me on this, now back to actual work.
Thank you Jared Levin, Jeanne Whitney, and Tom Allen for your guest contributions!
To see all the results from the poll yourself, click here
You can read my open mic reviews for individual open mics here
Okay, it's almost 7am. I lost enough sleep over this.
It's the Good Nite mic in NOHO! Wakka wakka! MON sign up at 7pm. Lottery 3-5 minutes. All right, good night.
My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell
See? I told you it wasn't my last bringer. This is the one picture I'd like to burn from my memory.
It can be pretty lonely going to an open mic when you’re starting out, especially if none of your friends are comedians. I missed the boat when a wave of my friends had just quit a year prior. I think they were just depressed by the overall experience or had moved on to better things. Eventually, I ran into a couple of people that I knew, but we didn’t hit all the same mics.
You venture out to these open mics, sign up on a list or throw your name in a bucket for a lottery draw. Echoes Under Sunset was typically swamped with 40-50 comedians. If I was way down the list, it could be hours before I got up. Then by the time it was my turn I might have an audience of 2 because everyone either bounced to other mics, or were just hanging out in the other room, charging their phones and socializing. I’d marvel at comedians that dropped in and were immediately put up. What the fuck? Why do these motherfuckers just get to go up and bounce immediately after? I've been waiting for 2 hours!
It made my blood boil.
Typical sign up scenario. Maybe 5 of those comics are actually there when it starts, the rest are gradually drifting in from other mics. Note Atelston's custom-made stamp.
Sometimes I'd go to an open mic early and the host would show up with the list. Then I'd go to sign up and there would be 10 people on the list already! What the FUCK?
All part of the game. This would happen for a number of reasons. People are texting the host for an early sign up- friends hook friends up, especially when everyone's trying to hit 3-4 mics a night. Or maybe it's a comic with a higher status- someone who's been in the game longer, so they get the respect and are granted "pop-ins". A few of those comedians would drop in and then shit on the venue in their set. Like it was beneath them to do that open mic.
Occasionally I'd luck out, get up early, and see a lot of comics in the audience...looking down at their phones, not supporting at all. Maybe just frozen in a grimace. I realized that all of this was just part of the grind. I think it's personal, but it's not. I'm just not funny.
Some mics feel like cliques, where the support isn't there unless I'm already in their circle. More than likely, I just suck!
The lounge area of Echoes Under Sunset. You could watch the comic's act on a couch without actually being inside supporting! It was always kind of funny to hear laughs in the other room- you never knew who was listening.
Comedians in the open mic scene have witnessed the same cliches pass through a million times. The young cocky guys that want to be shocking. The misogyny. White guys that think they can drop the N-word because their favorite comedian did it. Comedians that can't take the silence so they start screaming at the audience. And not at other comics, they're screaming at customers- just innocent people that happen to be there.
I saw a comic walk up to someone who was studying and scream in his ear. Just some student who didn't care that an open mic was going on because it was a fucking coffee shop. Lot of these open mics are in random places and customers might feel like they're being held hostage. I saw a young comic scream at an elderly man to suck his dick. Others have called audience members cunts. Long sets devoid of jokes.
Familiar topics range from:
1. Fat women should be grateful that I want to fuck them!
2. Midgets are ridiculous.
3. Homeless people are gross.
4. I'm fine with gay people, (my cousin is gay) as long as they don't try to fuck me in the ass.
5. Rape, molestation, 9/11, Hitler, and incest.
6. Passive aggressive rant about (insert race here)
7. Bitches be crazy.
8. A woman having her period (a disgusted man's perspective)
9. Asians are bad drivers. (occasionally told by a comic of Asian descent)
10. Dude, that's so gay.
11. Hitting women.
12. Aids. (very popular)
One of my favorite segues was at Rockpaper Coffee- a mic where the darkest of souls would gather to charge their phones. This dude named Glenn just said horrible stuff about women for a few minutes and then he transitions with,
"I just want a girlfriend."
I remember there was an avant-garde asshole at The Palace. We'd perform upstairs in this Chinese restaurant (it's still going) and this one dude starts yelling down at a family that's just trying to celebrate their kid's birthday party. The comic is doing this violent hacking cough, flailing his arms, jumping into the wall behind him, and leaning over the balcony to yell at the party. He picks up a potted plant and all this soil spills out over the floor. It might sound hilarious as I'm describing it, but nobody was laughing. The host was livid. Of course he leaves without helping to clean up. One of those real artistic performers.
I change my mind, that guy was fucking brilliant. I think his name was Crispin Glover.
That's the thing, I end up meeting people that respect those kind of performers immensely and I have to question my judgement all over again.
Oh, I see, he's emulating unfunny incarnate, I just didn't get it!
I've seen so many long, ranting monologues. There's never a shortage. I'm so depressed. I want to kill myself. Comics shitting on everything they're not. Shitting on religion just because. Comedians rolling around on the stage, screaming, doing their version of an uncomfortable Andy Kaufman set. I subjected my girlfriend to a few of these mics.
Back and forth notes with my unfortunate girlfriend, while sitting through an open mic at The Lexington.
I've become a little desensitized to the appalling behavior and just come to accept it. Most of these morons will be gone in a year or two, or they'll change their strategy from attacking the audience to writing actual jokes.
I'm friends with comics that have done these things. That's on me. I have conflicting emotions because you meet really nice people that have done awful things on stage. You should be able to express yourself at an open mic right? Maybe they just needed to get that shit out. I've definitely embarrassed myself countless times, but I firmly believe that I sink by myself. I hate comics that attack the audience because they can't handle their bombing.
With that said, I'm sure I'm due for a meltdown in the future.
Besides, that last bit killed at Flappers, so fuuuuuuuuuuck you pregnant lady, your unborn child's a cunt!
...sorry about that.
This might cheer you up, here's a picture of Jared Levin playing to a totally empty room!
Jared alone at the doomed Vaucluse Lounge on Sunset Blvd.
So I would spend hours trying to get up at various places. Sometimes there's a drink minimum. Maybe a $5 entry fee. Some mics are absolutely free. Average 3 minute sets. Some were 4-5. At Marty's you could do 20 or more. That's not necessarily a good thing.
To add to the insanity I'd see these crazy people getting on stage.
They're clearly not serious about doing comedy, and now they're robbing me of stage time! Motherfucker.
I took it really personally. Anyone who didn't seem to care about stand-up just got under my skin. I was taking the metro blue line to the red line from Long Beach up to Hollywood, which would take anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then I would wait around for an hour or two to MAYBE go up (lottery draw, mixed with drop-ins and employees) and then some careless fuckhead employee at the Improv automatically gets to go up? They didn't even write any shit! They even said it three time during their set,
"I didn't write anything."
GREAT! Now there's this ancient vaudeville fuck doing his act from the 1940's. He's getting out the shoe polish....DEAR GOD.
I actually heard a Tammy Faye Baker and Monica Lewinsky joke- I couldn't believe it.
It's just one of those things, there's certain people you only see at certain open mics over and over- like The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store, or The Ice House. Same weirdos popping up. A woman singing some horrible song and rambling incoherently about her life story. The dude with the huge sombrero that kept clearing his throat and fucking with his phone during everyone else's set. There was also a conspiracy theory guy that would bring charts on stage.
Most of the hosts just embrace these people. Just give them their time and move on. Maybe these mics are keeping them from doing something worse. Or maybe it's keeping them alive. Pretty dramatic, but who the fuck knows.
One guy showed up to The Ice House to battle his fear of public speaking. He would break down and cry almost every set.
Some open mics encourage feedback from other comics after your set. It's a great idea that a lot of people take advantage of. I was never crazy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate most comic's material, so why would I want their input? I do like technical notes about what I'm doing on stage, but I'm a stickler for what's written. No one can improve my 9/11 dick joke, it's the best one clearly.
Then I found myself giving unwarranted advice to comics that didn't ask for it. Jesus Marty, you're barely a year in. What the fuck do you possibly have to offer?
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I gradually made friends. It took awhile. I struggle to be myself in front of other comics to this day because I care too fucking much. I come off like a phony and I know it, but I'm trying to let it all go. No one is thinking about me! They're probably thinking, well that guy sucked, or not this piece of shit again, but that's probably it. They're worried about their set.
The Comedy Store patio mic was instrumental in finding my voice a bit. Very thankful to Josh Martin for hosting it. It was the 50-yard line for an open mic week. Wednesdays AND Thursdays at 4pm, which is really early for a week day mic. It left me plenty of time to hit some more mics at 6 or 7pm. When I was taking the bus everywhere, it meant a lot to get those two guaranteed mics in every week. I started to loosen up because of this place. I felt a camaraderie here. I really bonded with some good people.
Josh Martin hosting.
There were so many distractions- the street noise alone. Every few minutes, a bus would pull over to take pictures. TMZ and Rasta buses. Double decker buses. Just a bunch of tourists on vacation getting bombarded with worthless information about The Comedy Store and now they were staring at us. So we would try to make something of that moment. Or I might just say something lame, lose my place and never recover. Some comics screamed at them. We'd hear the occasional request of,
"Tell us a joke!"
One time I took the challenge and told a quick joke to a bunch of tourists on a bus and got the laugh. That felt like the accomplishment of the year for me- Sean K. was just clowning on how I was gonna choke and then under the gun I got the laugh.
One time a bunch of dudes in a party bus asked a comedian to hop in for a ride.
He did. We never saw him again.
Mike Schmidt performing.
PJ Stansbury would wander into the mic, drinking PBR and promptly shit on everybody during his set. He's what most moms would call a "potty-mouthed troll." I had no idea he was a paid regular. This guy was spewing so much toxic bile I was stunned to know his name was on the fucking wall. First impressions man. They never last. Now he's just a potty-mouthed troll that I happen to like.
Pauly Shore would occasionally pull into the driveway to do business at the Store and give us a wave.
Sometimes pedestrians would participate in the madness. They could hear us from the street, so they'd yell shit out as they walked by. Heckling would take place too, or on a couple of occasions a shouting match. It was always fun to see people stop in their tracks and then actually come in for a few minutes to watch. The bar was open after all.
That particular mic was a great training ground and there was just something about that energy outside on Sunset Blvd.
Chris Dunham.
There were the audition mics like Flappers, that could lead to an audition, which would lead to those bringer-type shows.
Or you could stand outside the Laugh Factory for a few hours and sign up to perform the following week! Also an audition type scenario that could lead to longer sets and showcase consideration... don't hold your breath.
Brandon Brickz and I waiting outside the Laugh Factory.
Always a sober moment when some beautiful person in a fancy car rolls down their window to question the line of 15 comics, standing outside the Laugh Factory.
"Who are you waiting for, what comedian?"
"No, we're waiting to sign up- WE'RE the comedians."
"Oh." (sympathetic wave, drives off)
Some of the comedians are in lawn chairs. One guy is eating a sandwich from the deli next door. An old man is talking our ear off about his "comedy career" back in the day. They cut the line at 15, but the 16th person is waiting anyway- just in case. They're going to be disappointed. No exceptions.
I'd sit around, try to write a joke for a minute and then give up. Someone would start a conversation with me. Or hand me their dog for this picture.
I lied, I asked to hold the dog. This is Cloud. He is a poodle/chihuahua mix.
That's the only good thing I really have to say about standing outside the Laugh Factory. I meet good people. I won't meet the owner, Jamie Masada. At least, not any time soon. He's in the Bahamas or something. Which is a good thing, I'm still terrible. He was there once out of the 7 times I've done it. so I eventually grew bored and got involved with other things.
I'll end this entry with another painful artifact. I can't bring myself to watch this again, but I'll post it.
I was interested in the Flappers podcast, the "FlappCast" because the owners/hosts had on a lot of comedians that I knew. Anyone could do a short set. Plus they booked some pretty good guests to sit in and give feedback. Very much like the KillTony podcast except nothing funny happens.
I take that back, GT's appearance, which I must hunt down. They were so shocked by his performance. Nothing like an eccentric, hated, ticking time-bomb comic to blow the lid off an unsuspecting room.
So I found out how to sign up and made a fool of myself. I remember being so disappointed that they didn't get me. That I was doing these outlandish bits; an over-the-top impression that couldn't be serious. An over-the-top story that couldn't be true. When I talked to them I felt like they hadn't even listened to me.
Not that any of my material was good, my shirt alone sealed my doom.
My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows
How could anyone possibly book me after this set?
Oct. 27, 2013 was my second show at Flappers. At the time I felt it was okay. Now I can't stand to look at it. I'm out of breath. I'm frantic. It looks drug-induced. I'm trying to be Griffin Dunne in After Hours or something. It's like the time I was trying to be cool at Stella Adler by doing Eric Bogosian monologues in scene class. It just felt good to yell.
Jesus, I just checked, It even says that in my fucking journal,
My Set:
Wallet- "It felt good to yell!"
Bully Kids- "A little sloppy, but good!"
Open your eyes, mac!
After my set, a "talent scout" named Alexander takes me aside and wants to take my info down for The Comedy Store. He's very complimentary and I'm thinking, OH, I'm getting my just rewards! Holy shit this standup world is magical. Things are fucking happening!
I don't think I'd even stood in line for the Comedy Store's potluck open mic yet, but now I was already getting booked on a show!
I have a history of gullibility. I joined the American Radio Network on Sunset/Hobart when I was 19 and was totally convinced that I was producing my own radio show. I thought it was being broadcast somewhere. I was paying for time and living in a delusional world where I, like many overexcited morons that move to California, didn't know any better. I wanted to believe it SOO BAD. Just look what it says on their website:
"To all skeptics: The American Radio Network is not a SCAM!"
Haha, come on man! That's a definite red flag. That sounds like they've received thousands of accusations- it's the first thing in their statement! The website is shit, their equipment is shit, and it's still going! Denial is so powerful.
Anyway, so what are Bringer Shows to you non-comics? Well, you need a minimal amount of people to show up- preferably 5-10. My friends usually paid $15-20 bucks per entry, along with a 2-drink minimum.
So what's wrong with that?
Well, it's going to be a wildly uneven show because the line-up is stacked with new and inexperienced comics like me that SUCK. We're talking comics that are only a few months in, or maybe a year. Then at the end, Bobby Lee closes it out!
Well, at least the last guy was funny, even though I heard most of his jokes before.
My friends will never want to come out again because they just blew 40-50 bucks on a shit show and now I've just reinforced anyone's opinions of lousy comedy. Why go to a show at all? This is what it's like?
The whole thing is seductive because you're playing the historic rooms. The Original Room at the Comedy Store- Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey. I was on a show with a television star, Bobby Lee, I'm working my way up already!
I've had relatives ask me, "So when are you getting a comedy special?"
Nobody knows how this works! After that show I would've said,
"Give me a year!"
So I'm promoting my shows online and expected to bring in a number of friends every time. I bring in less friends every time because they've already supported my ass, and this shit is expensive. Suddenly I'm not booked. Or worse, the booker still wants me, but treats me like shit.
Here's a doo-dad example! Look at this idiot here:
So you see this dickhead, right? He's convinced he's moving up in the world! The booker even made him a stupid flyer!
I was already starting to feel the pressure from the bringer shows after a couple of spots. Flappers always wanted a head count, but this is how they worded it,
*Our shows are not bringer required, but as a courtesy, if you don't think you can get some fans to see you, we are happy to reschedule you for a show that may be more convenient."
In other words Marty, make some fucking friends and GRILL THEM until they GUARANTEE YOU THEY'RE COMING OUT- AND HAVE THEM CALL US WHEN THEY ARRIVE, SO WE CAN PREPARE TO SELL THEM SHIT WINGS! OR NO SHOW FOR YOU! I REPEAT, WE'RE NOT A BRINGER SHOW!!!!! Just kind of.
One time I asked the booker up front if it was a bringer and the response was,
"Not really, it's not like others, I mean, you only need to bring a couple people out."
Oh, okay. So then I would do it.
I was sucked into another show when I was out of town. Someone from the Store referred me to another booker. She was all talk, asking for my credits, how much pay, how much experience I had- all business and sounding pre-recorded. My inexperience shined through my responses and she probably already knew. I agreed to the show after she talked me up and then I started feeling a little queasy about it. On the other hand, I told my mom the exciting news- another booking!
I reached out to a fellow comic, Jeremiah Watkins:
12/21/13 "Hey Jeremiah, sorry to bother you during the holidays. I was just kind of shaken up by a bringer show situation and I would love to hear your take on it if you get a chance some time. I love comedy, I love comedians, but someone booked me a show and then made me feel like shit for not having more people committed to going. It was just weird and it felt like Glengarry Glen Ross "Always be CLOSING!" I'd be honored to make a cent from doing what I love at the moment, but I don't want to kill myself over this upcoming gig. I understand the importance of promoting, but I assume it's difficult for any beginner unless they have a built-in fanbase. Anyway, sorry- I don't know a lot of comedians yet and I only know you from Jake's podcast. Have a happy holiday man."
It's painful to read this. I was so clueless! Jeremiah responded back:
"Bringer shows suck, so don't feel bad that you didn't get a bunch of people out to that show. Keep hitting mics and working hard and you'll get to a point where if someone asks you to bring a certain amount of people, it's insulting. Do as many mics as you can and you'll get shows from people who aren't expecting you to bring anything but the funny. ONLY use bringer shows if you're in DESPERATE need to showcase for an agency or manager. Otherwise, good shows will organically come. Hope this helps."
"It does. Big time. Thank you buddy."
A flyer I left in the break room of the Geffen Playhouse.
I was working in the Box Office at The Geffen Playhouse when my cel started to ring. It was the booker. I stepped out and took the call.
"Hi Marty, I just wanted to see how many people you have confirmed."
....
"Just 2 so far," I said, which was a complete lie, but it was better than saying none. There was a pause on the line and then,
"Marty...that's not good enough."
I think my heart started beating faster as I absorbed the sinister tone that had wafted through the phone. What the hell?
"You have to message your friends on Facebook and get them to come out, and what about the flyer I made you? If you can't get at least 5 people out I don't think I'll be able to give you time, there are other comedians that can bring people."
I was stunned...and she must have felt it because I didn't respond for 10 seconds. I should've bailed out then.
"Marty?"
I stammered out some excuses and she sort of took pity on me and relented a bit,
"I'll get you up, but you have to try okay? Get on Facebook and message them."
It didn't matter anymore. I wasn't looking forward to the show because in the back of my mind I could hear that bitch's voice asking how many people were coming. I'd had friends come out to past shows, but this time I was just dried up. I shouldn't of cared, but I didn't know the score, I thought I wasn't going to be able to do stand-up comedy like I wanted. I thought I had to do these fucking bringer shows.
My girlfriend was keeping me at bay, I could vent to her at least. I didn't really have anyone else I could talk to. Trying to explain this shit to any non-comic is exhausting because there's all these potential, "So, shouldn't you promote?" kind of responses that might lead to an argument. I want to enjoy doing my standup, not worry about who's getting off the fucking 101. I'm not a promoter.
She called on the day of the show,
"MAKE ONE LAST PUSH!"
Unexpectedly, my friend Nikki turned up and her presence was much needed. So I had ONE PERSON. Just 4 below good enough. 1 out of 104 invites.
The M bar was falling apart in spectacular fashion. It used to be a hotspot for comedy and burlesque shows, but now it needed someone to pull the trigger. The credit card machines were down, half of the menu wasn't available and yet the staff insisted that people order shit. Get cash!
When I got there, the booker was getting drunk and talking business with the owner.
I met a young comic named Trevor James. He was in the same anxious boat as me, with zero friends showing up. I quickly bonded with him. Finally, our horrible boss marched up to us, and gave us a few instructions, never bothering to talk to us like human beings.
I visited my friend Nikki for a moment, who was being pretty cool about the M-Bar situation, and then the booker is calling me over,
"Marty, I NEED YOU TO BE HERE IF I'M GOING TO PUT YOU UP 2ND! *poke* YOU CAN'T BE LEAVING *poke* YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT THE OTHER COMICS!"
This bitch was aggressively poking me in the chest. I couldn't believe it.
"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," I said.
She marched off. I was livid. I didn't even know how much time I was doing.
The order was changed several times. I ended up going on 5th or 6th. The booker also did a set. It was like watching a drunk relative fall onto a wedding cake. She was embarrassing herself. Then the headliner went up and wasn't getting much love. He was drunk too and took it out on the audience, calling a guy in the front row a faggot. His Brooklyn buddies were egging him on, so he dragged his set out for 15 minutes repeating,
"THIS IS MY SHOW!" Killer stuff. I don't think I've seen a set like that since.
After this disaster, I split without saying goodbye, sat with my friend Nikki in her car for a minute and thanked her for being there, despite all the bullshit. I would've felt worse if I subjected more of my friends to the M Bar- I'm lucky only Nikki showed. She paid to see that.
When I got home I blocked that bringer bitch from all my social media.
Never again.
Until a couple more times at The Ice House, The C-Word in The Belly Room (both of which I enjoyed) and The Formosa Cafe (fuck that guy).
I know a handful of people that are still doing bringer shows. Some new people, and a few comics that are 3 years like me. They seem content. Or maybe they're just as clueless as I was, but do I interfere? After all, I'm the one performing in dive bars, they're playing at respectable CLUBS! I must be the one in the wrong, right? Maybe they just have unlimited friends.
Thank God that shit is over with.
I didn't go through the M-Bar experience alone. Thanks, Nikki!
Oh, and I found this video I posted on Facebook, promoting the dreaded M-Bar show. I had clearly given up and this was a coping mechanism to keep from having a complete meltdown.