Tip-Toe Backwards

I don’t give a shit about stand-up comedy right now. I never thought I’d reach this point, making cocky statements early on, “I’m in this for the win.” Judging comics that invest more time in their OTHER thing.

Oh, you occasionally do comedy, but this other thing is your REAL passion.

I’ve been excited about something else and the scales have finally tipped. There’s that feeling of Oh, I gotta keep showing up to let my friends know I’m still in! I’m not backing down, I’ll keep fighting for time. Just to save face. Am I really fighting for time? Nah.

I won’t walk away, not yet. I just wanted to acknowledge that I’ve hit this wall. It’s so dumb because I feel so close, but I’m just excited about other stuff.

I’ll probably check out a mic next week, feel the high from performing again and debate whether to delete this entry- whoops! Just went without stand-up for a week…sorry about that. Maybe I do love this. I texted my wife that I have to do standup and wanted her to tell me that it’s ok. Now I’m down and feeling like I could walk away. The fuck is going on?

So much complaining, bragging, and shit-talking everywhere. It feels good to do something outside of stand-up that doesn’t involve these things. Maybe I’m not strong enough. I’m lazy about writing material but I work til’ I’m sick on the stuff I’m excited about.

I know I’m a funny guy, just not sure the best version of me translates into standup.

I hear a pool of voices, the cynical comics that have a smart answer for anything that anyone posts. Good, walk away. Concentrate on that feeling.

It feels sacrilegious to voice these doubts, because we’ve all invested so much.

I feel like Garraty in Stephen King’s The Long Walk. It would feel so good to just sit down. Close my eyes. Hear the footsteps of thousands of comedians advancing up the next hill while I sit here until they’re all gone. Just the sound of crickets and my lungs no longer gulping for air.

Didn’t get around to a Best Open Mic of the year post because it felt like a chore and I was busy. I seem to hit those entries once every two years.

I think the frustrating thing is I don’t want to go down easy….material wise. I don’t know how to get people into Martyland without them being weirded out and hating my guts.

BOO HOOOOOOOOOOO.

I’ll see you at the next mic. Don’t bring this up. Yes, I’m reviewing it…to let the nice people know if it’s worth it. Not sure where I stand on this journey.

(struggles with closing laugh line)

(picks up a hobby instead)