Don't Forget To Funny!

Shitting on people in conversation. Shitting on the Comedy Store potluck, it's clearly rigged! Shitting on people in jest because I'm fresh off a Roast Battle and just can't help myself. Shitting on other comedians because my comedy is far superior. Shitting on people when I guest on a podcast. Shitting on lowly beginners who don't know any better. Shitting on my own comedy. Shitting on people on stage. Shitting on the venue. Shitting on the host who means well, but still fucked up my name. Writing a shitty review on ITunes, just so I can shit on the host who I hate.

Shitting on the comedy couples who stick together. Shitting on podcasts that I wish I was invited on. Shitting on bookers that never book me. Shitting on comics that never say hi. Shitting on hosts that don't even try.

Shitting on bringer shows. Shitting on your Instagram account. Shitting on your pool party with your stoner friends. Shitting on your sexy pics.

Shitting on your stupid ass glossy flyer that misrepresents the shithole I'm performing in. Shitting on your outrageous cover charge for a show full of amateurs. Shitting on becoming a Comedy Store Regular- why you? Shitting on your tour. Shitting on your GoFundMyShittyComedyChannel.

Shitting on everyone in a public forum because you're all against me. Shitting on other clubs. Shitting on talent coordinators. Shitting on the 1-drink minimum. Shitting on you because I can't take a compliment. Shitting on you for being on your phone. Shitting on you for talking during my set. Shitting on you for leaving right away.

Shitting on your pre-booked open mics. Shitting on your living situation. Shitting on comedy festivals. Shitting on comedy contests. Shitting on clean comedy shows. Shitting on your inability to skip the rape joke. Shitting on hecklers. Shitting on your first open mic videos.

Shitting on your Twitter joke. Shitting on your pathetic merch. Shitting on your attempt to brand yourself with a catchphrase. Shitting on your hashtags.

Shitting on your blogs. Shitting on The Comedy Bureau. Shitting on that Netflix special. Shitting on improv, actors, and anyone who wants to check off comedy on their bucket list.

Shitting on tags that I didn't ask for. Shitting on your webseries. Shitting on your workout pics. Shitting on your inspirational quotes. Shitting on your sudden change of attitude you hypocrite.

Shitting on your new headshots, shitting on you for quitting comedy or not quitting comedy. Shitting on you for starting comedy. Shitting on you for pitching a joke to me.  Shitting on you for doing a show in your underwear. Shitting on the person who just died. Shitting on you for joking about it and beating me to it.

Shitting on all the negative fucks that I want to distance myself from. Shitting on desperate cries for help. Shitting on someone who just wants a sincere answer on Facebook. Shitting on people that just want someone to stand up for them. Shitting on your political beliefs. Shitting on you for getting political. Shitting on you for being emotional.

Man I'm exhausted. What am I doing here again?

15 Minutes in Spokane

Amber Scalzo and I are hitting the road. Santa Cruz, Coos Bay, Seattle, Spokane. Maybe Boise, Grass Valley, San Francisco and Bakersfield on the way back. It's a long haul for only a couple of shows and whatever open mics we manage to get on. Is this a tour or a very long drive?

Comedian Amber Scalzo.

I feel bad about it, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I've been down many rabbit holes the last couple of months, searching for mics and shows, trying to put the puzzle pieces down and creating a schedule that makes sense. Hitting up bookers and friends of bookers. Some of my LA friends tried to help and they came through. Some bookers asked for our stand up clips and never got back to me. Damn. It hurts that we don't have stand up clips that are current, I think it's blowing our opportunities. Then my new laptop died on me, so now I can't even edit the recent stand up footage I got of us. Great timing. When I load up my Macbook Pro it looks like an 8 bit video game that gets stuck on the apple boss.

I think the uncertainty of the trip makes me nervous too. We have two shows that are spread out and a lot of breathing room. Will we hit this mic, can we make the drive in time, should we just go here instead and meet up with these people or power it out and drive through the night? Boise or Everett? Portland or Grass Valley?

Fuck it all. This is what I love. To go on the road. This is an adventure. I'm super lucky to be able to do this. I'm unemployed and my girlfriend is letting me take her car so I can drive 2,400 miles. She knows I have to do this and she understands the difficult world of comedy that I've chosen.

Portrait of a saint.

So why feel bad about it? I'm already going on my 2nd trip, with only 4 years into comedy. I'm going to see some cousins and Amber and I have multiple places to crash. All we have to do is drive, try to get some sleep and do some stand up comedy. Yeah, there are some nights where it's just impossible to get to a mic without killing ourselves to get there, it's not worth it, we need our sleep. Sometimes the days and mics are not going to align perfectly. I guess that's when those pop-up mics come in handy, I gotta get my own setup like Johnnie Flowers.

We did a pop-up mic in front of a 24 Hour Walmart at 1 in the morning. Lot of shoppers surprisingly. Love the giant magnet sign that Johnnie slaps on his car. He just brings a simple speaker and microphone with him wherever he goes. "Sometimes, I don't even get out of the car!" Here's a sample of the experience here And a behind the scenes look at this operation here

Claire is carpooling and taking the bus while I'm gone. She lives close to work, but I still feel like I'm leaving her life in shambles. She's totally fine with it and only encourages me. I started feeling lonely last night and I'm missing her already. There's always Facetime and consoling emojis I suppose.

I'll be able to feed our cat Tune with this handy Kittyo app that I have on my phone. We have a Kittyo machine (it looks like a blender) that shoots kitty treats and has a laser pointer- so I can interact with the cat remotely. You know, the necessities in life. It barely works, but it gives me a cheap thrill. It was a Kickstarter project that was 2 years late on the delivery date and then it took me a year to get the damn thing working. Some things are worth waiting for. Now I can shoot treats at Tune's dumbfounded face!!!

I told my mom about the trip and when she found out I was going with a woman there was a long pause.

"Oh...that's nice. So Claire is okay with that?"

"Yeah... I mean Amber is a comedian too, we're just friends."

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

"No."

It was pretty uncomfortable and I even started to question myself. Wait, am I doing the right thing? Is there something wrong with this picture?

Claire was listening and she quickly pointed out that my mom must think I sleep around. Yeah...what the fuck? It's not like we're getting motels together or sharing a fucking sleeping bag. We're crashing on friends couches and driving a couple thousand miles to do less than an hour of comedy. And what does that say about Amber? Single people just hopelessly fuck out of desperation? It doesn't matter with who, where, or when, as long as it's a "plump delicious cock"? That's a Norm Macdonald description, sorry.

I'm no skank and besides, Amber likes men, not comedians.

The last time I hit the road was almost a year ago. Tom Allen, John Parr, and Casey, our video guy, hit Arizona for 5 days. We were extremely lucky. We had 7 booked shows and a couple of open mics thrown in the mix. A paid hotel, courtesy of my Aunt Dorise and Uncle Marty- incredible gesture. I was expecting to crash on their floor with a bunch of cats next to me, but they were happy to do it. To top it off, my Uncle passed away after the trip, so it was the last time I got to see him.

Casey filmed nearly all of our sets and some great behind-the-scenes footage, but we never saw it. Weeks after the trip, he said all the stuff he filmed was lost and then he abruptly moved back to Colorado. It's really a shame, our first comedy trip lost, so we'll just have to go by memory:

We did a backyard show, a dive bar, an upscale restaurant, a pizzeria, a blackbox theater and a comedy club. Every night was totally different and kept us on our toes. I had my first drunk woman rush the stage and blather at me,

"Wurst Wurst!"

Tom had the lights go out in the middle of his set at the Firehouse space. The outdoor crew rushed to fix it and 5 minutes later the spotlight came back on and Tom picked up right where he left off. We also watched Tom go into a sports bar no less than 3 times to ask a bartender out, but he would make a B-line for the bathroom every time because he was nervous. He would return to the parking lot, looking defeated, and John would start to build him up again until he reluctantly caved in and marched right back. Goddamn it was funny. We got invited to a coke party after a show. We ran into Arizona's Mike Enders EVERYWHERE. He almost became a parody of himself- the shit-eating grin, the warm greetings around the room, drunker and drunker every time we saw him. I'll have to write about Arizona in a separate entry.

Anyway, I guess we'll never see that footage. I'll just have to film these experiences myself from now on. Arizona was one of the best experiences of my life and now I have another trip to look forward to....tomorrow!

Bueller is a rich asshole that manipulates his best friend and gets away with everything, but man it looks fun. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

Got some good playlists. Going to have the blackest coffee, blacker than the souls that frequent The Blacklight District Lounge. I've got the right partner in crime. We have shows. There are mics to be had. No swanky hotel this time, just couches and floors and maybe a bed, but I might as well thank everyone in advance.

THANK YOU.

You want to do this some day? Here's Ron Babcock's helpful guide:

Ron Babcock's Do-it-yourself Standup Tour Guide

Something that really helped me is going through my Facebook friends and writing down a list of every state and linking my friends to the state and city, so I could map out a trip and know where my contacts are. I asked for places to crash or just invited them out to a show. No shame in it. I have family all over, so this is a good way to connect, even if it's incredibly brief. We gotta hang out when we can and help eachother out!

I also wrote down all my phone numbers in a notebook in case my phone decides to die on me. I guess I could write down all the directions too, but I'll just trust that one of us will have a working phone. Or use a handy Thomas Guide! (blows the dust off) *cough cough*

Oh and the day after we get back from this trip, I'm doing a show in Phoenix. Bad scheduling on my part.

YOU NO GO, STUPID!

I'll be back kitty. I should take that Medieval Times crown out of my suitcase.

Comedy Reminders to Myself (to others it may not apply)

1. Sometimes, it's not about the show. It's about the people you meet before/after. Oh yeah, I met that fantastic person at that shit show!

2. There may be less than 5 people in the audience, but they're nice enough to listen and they want to be entertained. Fucking give it to them! You never know who is watching.

3. Make eye contact. Don't be checked out and staring at the back wall.

4. Have something fun to say when you get on stage. Maybe a little thing to add to the last comedian's joke. A callback to something. A little greeting- something goofy, anything!

5. Before the show it's always good to meet the other people on the bill. Why be an anti-social asshole? Find out what these other people are all about. We're all awkward, it's not a big deal. Get past it now and try to learn their names.

6. If you're going to be on your phone, for fucks sake, don't sit near the stage! You're setting a bad example to comedians and you're telling other people in the audience that it's okay to check out.

7. Take a compliment and don't shit on your set. Just say thank you.

8. Don't shit on the venue, don't shit on other comics and stop being negative.

9. Don't give out compliments if you don't mean it. Just be genuine.

10. Take a deep breath, relax. Enjoy what you're doing.

Work hard. Be funny. HAVE FUN.

This Half-Assed Hustle (compiled truths and occasional fiction)

2:25pm

Driving up to Los Angeles with my Spotify playlist on shuffle. Some day I would like to be driving a car full of comics, singing along to Lady Marmalade as we drive 100 miles to our next gig.

3:21pm

I have to piss so bad. I gotta get out of this fucking car. Adjusting my seat to find any angle that gives my bladder even the slightest relief. You can't pull a Dumb and Dumber in your girlfriend's car, you're not pissing into that bottle.

3:40pm

Park at Amoeba Music and then walk over to Arclight Hollywood. I haven't seen a movie here in years, but I'll happily take a piss any chance I get. The dome is especially good for taking a dump- best bathroom in Hollywood. Its been 10 years since I quit and I still have a couple of friends that work here. Amazing.

3:47pm

Go through hundreds of "As Is" used DVDs, prices ranging from $1.99-7:99. I'm gradually buying back my old collection- this was my addiction for awhile. I've bought and sold and repurchased DVDs from this place dozens and dozens of times. Losing money every time. Like when I first moved to LA and didn't have a checking account, so I'd go to one of those Check Cashing places and they'd take a huge chunk. I've perfected so many ways of losing money. Some comedian said, "I'm the Michael Jordan of overdraft fees." I think most comedians could've written that.

5:10pm

Meltdown Comics

Sign my name on the scrap of paper and throw it in the lunch pail. I see a comic that I want to say hi to, but I'm too worried he's going to think I'm kissing up to be on his show. Forced conversation might raise suspicions. He's kind of goofy like I am. In the end, I shy away. We give mutual nods of acknowledgement instead. I've made attempts in the past, but it never lasts past a couple of pleasantries. Goddammit, why do I act like it's a fucking audition, just relax.

5:20pm

The room is starting to fill up. People are smoking out back. I have a few exchanges with other male comics. Majority of comedians in Los Angeles are familiar with this dialogue:

"You going to the Store next?"

"Nah, I'm gonna bounce to Marty's or Pig N Whistle. You?"

"If I don't get up at the Store I'll go down to The Improv Space."

"Cool, cool."

It's all hollow and predictable, but I say these things all the time. Where you coming from? Where you bouncing to next? Is that a good mic? How many minutes? You got anything coming up?

If I find out the person I'm talking to was booked on a cool show I'll get a little pissed off. It'll show on my face too, I'm an incredibly bad liar. It's completely insane, it doesn't even matter if I genuinely like the person, I'll still feel a flash of jealousy. It's involuntary at this point, I've programmed myself to be competitive against everyone because everyone is doing things that I'm not.

Then I remind myself that I'm not very good yet. I don't have to be everywhere, Jesus. Get good and then worry about that shit!

Awkward hug. Forgot that person's name.

5:35pm

One of two hosts calls out my name for the 20th spot. Shit. I probably can't do The Store and then bounce back and make it work, so I guess I'll just be here. Some of the other guys know how to flip-flop to multiple places, but I haven't figured it out yet. It's a little disheartening when 3/4 of the room clears out and there's less than ten people in the audience.

6:20pm

Still waiting around. They worked in some of the more established comics into the line up, which drags things out. Still burns my ass when someone drops in for five minutes and then they're gone in a flash. Must be nice.

I step outside and I have a conversation with Jeff for a bit. He talks my ear off about surface level comedy shit and keeps asking me questions. It's irritating because he immediately looks down at his phone when I start to answer and then he asks me again. It all feels out of obligation and reinforces my fear of losing my own personality someday; where I become an automatic networking robot of a comic that vomits out the same line of bullshit over and over. Never connecting with people, only advertising, advertising, posting, tweeting, and screaming at all the other comics, HEY- HERE"S WHAT I'M DOING- HERE I AM! PICTURE OF ME AT SHOW. PICTURE OF ME HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THIS THING. PICTURE OF ME POSING WITH BETTER COMIC THAT SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!

7:10pm

I'm on stage and only half way through a joke when the realization that I'm bombing stifles the little energy that I have. I feel myself trailing off and force myself to finish. It's painful. I even got a fake laugh, which is worse than silence because it probably came from another comic. I'm supposed to listen to this set on my phone later to find out where I went wrong. How about when I got on the stage?

7:15pm

I'm scrolling through other open mic options on The Comedy Bureau. I really just want to go home. I don't want to pay $5 for a mic I can't stand, or a 1-drink minimum when I don't want to drink. I mean, I could get a soda, but when I'm at a bar I just gravitate towards beer. Why do I keep going to these 3 minute mics and waste my time with tried and failed material? Where's the progress Wurst?

By the time I decide on one, it'll be too late for me to get there in time. I suppose I could pop into Tribal and see what's happening. A nostalgic stop that probably won't do much for my mood, but I already bombed once anyway.

The romantic side of me wants to spend the remainder of my monthly allowance on a Reuben sandwich at Canters. Write jokes with coffee and a sandwich. Then worry about money later. But would you really write anything?

I like to bottom out. When I have a little money, I quickly burn through it almost to get it over with, embracing the inevitable. Then I hit zero and it's a reset button. I get help from my Dad, or I occasionally land some random gig with filming or editing. The audiobooks were completely unrealistic; I basically donated a few hundred work hours and barely made anything. I'll work my ass off on projects that make little to no return. I go after the impossible each time. Acting, filming, now comedy and audiobooks, why does anyone continue to support me?

7:26pm

I have Claire on the phone. She says I'm not a piece of shit. I was trying to convince her otherwise, but she knows my self-esteem is just low, because I bombed and now I'm just trying to bear-hug all the negative things that I can. I am a good person. I'm just incredibly stupid.

She says I'm not stupid. She says that I'm kind and generous. I finally give in and tell her I love her. I tell her there's a chance I'm going to hit one more mic. She asks me to text her when I'm heading home.

7:40pm

Sitting in the car, thinking I should've signed up at Anchor Bar for a late spot. That would've been perfect. Just get the fuck out of LA, you're burned out on this side. Maybe I could visit an old friend while I'm up here. I could go back to Amoeba and get that Kung-Fu movie for four bucks. Go home and eat that can of black beans and not spend another dime. Do mics in Long Beach the next week without spending anything.

I could easily make it to Mel's or Big Wangs later. The list at Tribal could be a mile long- plus I think you're supposed to order a sandwich now. Their food is good but their service sucks.

7:49pm

Hit the library just before it closed. A little inspiration might help! Autobiographies from Sarah Silverman, David Spade, and Bernie Mac! Plus a book about Cult Films and Facts I Should Know- warm up the brain matter, possible premises. I love walking out with a shitload of books!

9:30pm

Who calls it a night when comedy is just starting? This guy!

Claire is still up and our fatty kitty Tune is sitting an inch from her face, her paws propped up on her favorite human's chest. She's in purr mode, but when I get close she briefly sniffs my face for identification. I check out.

Sometimes it's not the number of mics I hit. I hit a wall tonight and needed an out. I need to cut myself a break. So many people are working harder than me and I know it. What's it going to take man?

No Comedy Advice.

Who the fuck is this guy? Should I confirm our friendship? We have 152 mutual friends. About a hundred of THOSE friends are comedian acquaintances. 40 of those I don't know if I've ever met.

I'm close to 1,200 friends. I can't believe how much this has jumped since I started comedy. I'm constantly adding people, I've got a backlog worse than my Netflix queue. That Netflix remark is dated now, everyone is streaming- FUCK.

Half the guys I talk to are constantly roasting. There's no flow of conversation anymore, it's just insult after cheap insult. I just walk into a room and someone is commenting on my wardrobe and my haircut, followed by their impressions of an airhorn- BUH-BUH-BUHHHHHHH.

I'm doing the Roast Battle again. I'm dreading it. I want to puke from the anxiety and bury my head under my pillow. It's not about the jokes anymore. I'm throwing myself into the lion's den. They just need another excuse to hate my stupid face and I'll give it to them. The mumbly guy, the Wurst, he's older- fuck him. I stutter out my jokes, Mike Lawrence destroys me. Periscope followers agree, this guy is truly the worst.

I don't have to worry, but I do. I lost the first time, but it was a fantastic night. Everyone was warm and supportive.  I got good advice from experienced roasters...I didn't take the advice, but I loved it just the same. I was a part of something great for one night.

My girlfriend defends every mistake I make in comedy. She knows I'm just venting and need to blow off steam, so she hears me out and builds me back up. I have to destroy myself in order to rebuild a better version of myself. Constantly updating software. Marty 2.0. Marty 2.5 Marty X. Now I'm driven and motivated. Hey, I accidentally had fun writing a new joke- how did that happen?

Oh yeah, I've been doing this comedy thing for years. Its always been there. Standup is just new and hard, but I'm learning. I'll get better. I have to. I have my own voice. That will always be my ace. A lot of people just hate this voice and I don't blame them. It's not sure what it wants to be. I need to remind myself what I'm going to do every time I walk up on stage. All those motivational things that I've read or written down in my phone, but never remember to look at again.

It's fun, right? It has to be fun, man.

Never let them know that you have doubts.

I just apologized for the next premise before telling the joke, JESUS!

My cat is burying her poop right now as I write this. She stares at me sometimes and it reminds me of the all-comedian audience that I'm bombing in front of. There's a similarity in the gaze. Neither audience understands that I'm funny. I want to scream, I swear I'm funny! Not for you, but maybe some day!

My cat just laughed at me. That hurts. It's terrifying too, but her timing is uncanny.

Open Mic Comedian Gary Has A Meltdown (Fiction) WARNING: PooPoo-Language.

Fuck this mic man, it’s for a bunch of pussies. I can’t believe I got kicked out for calling the owner a cunt, you can’t say anything anymore, it’s too PC! Fucking social justice warriors will probably write a blog about how they wish they could have this DEE-YICK!

Anyway, I’m going to Lexington later- they don’t give a fuck. I kicked a man in the stomach and did 20 minutes to his mom. He thanked me for it.

Dude...you should go to The Next Stage. It’s like, there’s no fucking judgement you know, everyone just gets naked and fucks and the lights are really pretty.

Marty’s man, you gotta do Marty’s people are REAL there, for reals. Where else can you do 30 minutes for a cockroach? Then you can go to the other room and do another 78 minutes to a couch occupied by the ghost of a dead comedian that hung himself. Dude...if you get your picture on the wall... no one will ever know, because two photos down, there’s a picture of a woman with her titties out, that’s all anyone sees anymore.

Dude, do the Oeno Vino man, they have a great selection of cheeses and a really good selection from the Cass Winery- I highly recommend comedy and the cheese bullshit.

Hey man, Flappers! Do the audition show. Bring people though. Kill yourself! High five.

How can you not do Delicious Vinyl man? Just fucking DEWWW IT MANNNNN. Fucking pink lights- fuggin...fuggin pink lights bro- WOOO WOOO, vinyl and shit in the title- punk rock and smell your farts out back! ALLL right!

Hey man. Comedy Store potluck. I’m loyal as fuck. I sign up every week on the dot. Got up 6 times in 17 years. It’s only a matter of time. You might want to hop on the train now because I’m going FULL SPEED AHEEEAAAAD.  Chugga Chugga- WOO WOOOO! PINK LIGHTS BRO- CALL BACK! (roundhouse kick)

Meltdown Comics is the best open mic to hear people laugh in the sound booth-HANDS DOWN. They’re having such a great time back there! DO IT ASSHOLE! DON’T YOU LIKE COMICS? GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF THE NINJA TURTLE STATUE, IT’S DYING!

You gotta do Rockpaper Man. WHO CARES IF IT’S FUCKING CLOSED- TELL PEDESTRIANS TO SUCK YOUR DICK- IT’S THE SAME THING!

Hey...hey...if you want to really get serious about comedy? Laugh Factory man. Nobody waits a fucking week to perform at an open mic, but I do! I’m so funny man, I made that Burt Bernie guy laugh so hard and that guy has seen some shit! Jamie watched my set via FaceSkypeShowcase and I think I’m going to feature for the turd in the bathroom. Anyway, I’ll send you the link when I get the tickets- if you say my name at the door you get choke-slammed Cena style- CAN’T WAIT!

You got an agent? How did you get one man!? Let me meet him- I’ll suck his wang-wang. FUCK IT. I don’t need that shit, I got this comedy dick!

Hey...if you want to do heroin later, I’ll be at the Buttfuck Backyard Bucket Mic in Burbank.

THE END

YEAR 2: The Worst Comedian

"Coming up right now, I hope he brings his...BEST material, uhhh, MARTY WURST MUCH?"

After bombing this particular set at the Silverlake Lounge, the host added,

"Marty Wurst...he has the secret to comedy, being loud."

That got a big laugh of course and nothing felt worse than some cheap shot after I already bombed. Everyone there hated me. It was like high school all over again. I'd go to these mics and sure, I sucked, but it struck me that the same group of stuffy assholes were laughing at each other's sets no matter how lousy their jokes were.

Self-deprecating comment (laughter). Fuck my life! (laughter) I should probably just kill myself (laughter, clapping). I don't even want to do comedy tonight...(standing ovation, ticker-tape parade, group orgy ensues).

Then I'd go up and just... nothing. Crickets puking.

I started off in 2013 with an adventurous spirit, where I was willing to try characters and bizarre bits on stage, but the constant bombing made me shy away- plus comedians I looked up to were always insisting, "You have to make it personal."

I've always resisted that. Why can't I just be goofy and absurd?

Nobody was buying it. They saw through my lies and I couldn't sell it, that's why.

I was determined to hit mics, though. Once I spent 5 hours on public transportation for a whopping 7 minutes of stage time. I must've been out of my fucking mind. One night I missed the last bus and was stuck in Hollywood, so I just wandered around for a few hours until I could take the train back to Long Beach the next morning. I wanted to hang out at The Comedy Store until 2 a.m., but I couldn't miss that last train!

I didn't mind taking the Blue Line up to Hollywood at first. I could read, listen to podcasts, work on jokes, and not worry about traffic. 90 minute trip. Honestly, I was afraid to start driving again, but Claire eventually persuaded me to take her car, for safety's sake. There were a couple of late nights where some drunken assholes tried to mess with me on the train and I finally said fuck public transportation. It's not worth it.

The first year I hit 88 mics. The second year was closer to 200, which is still nothing compared to what most comics do in my circle. I tried to hit 4 to 8 mics a week and anything under that felt lazy. I would get moody and depressed. Sometimes I'd be out of town for the holidays and I'd be lucky to get one mic in, it was something, but then a week would go by and it'd feel like starting over again.

Explaining this process to my family always came off apologetic. It's hard for anyone outside of comedy to understand that you have to go up almost daily. I sure as hell didn't know. The fact that I was barely getting booked must've seemed like a spectacular failure to them. It still feels bad. I can't really brag about going up in bars and coffee shops. The whole bringer show fantasy was gone and now it was time to put in the actual work.

Sept. 2014, Jeanne Whitney and I took a short jaunt to San Diego for a gig at the Second Wind Bar on Navajo Road. It was my first taste of taking a drive with a friend and doing a show more than an hour away.

The Second Wind Bar (which has since closed down) was an ugly little dive bar with a pretty good stage, but hey- a show! Plus, they brought in a giant pizza- we're getting paid! The dude who put us up on the show was nice enough and the place definitely had some colorful customers.

Funny how we were just a couple of hours away and the place felt like a total redneck bar in middle America. A couple of loud, drunken ladies were trying to size me up and had a few questions about my act:

"Are you going to do jokes about Mexicans?"

"Nah, nothing like that. Just goofy stuff."

"Are you going to do jokes about Asians, like how they're bad drivers?"

"No.'

The second hag-in-command got excited,

"You should, because it's actually true. I had one cut me off on the way here! Asians can't drive!"

"I KNOW," first hag interrupted, "You're going to do jokes about JEWS."

"Probably," I said.

The way she said it, too, "JEWHOOOOS," made it particularly offensive, but at least she was enthusiastic about a comedy show. Now that there was the possibility of a racist act, the ladies would probably stick around. They might even throw out some extra tags or slurs.

I should've opened with, "So a Mexican, an Asian, and a JEWHOOO walk into a bar..."

A phone went off during my set, but other than that, the ladies were surprisingly cooperative. Maybe they couldn't handle the suspense.

When is he gonna say what I'm thinking? Here it comes...wait for it...maybe he forgot, I'll help him! (mouthing the word) jeh-whooooooo.

They tore into Jeanne instead. Jeanne fought back and was really funny--I wish I had recorded that set!

Then there was the Kill Tony show in The Belly Room. I'd tried to get up for weeks and listened to the podcast a lot. It's a crazy, wickedly funny, and occasionally maddening experience. The hosts are so mean-spirited and for some reason I still wanted to do it. The guests were a huge part of the appeal: They've had Moshe Kasher, Bill Burr, Sarah Silverman, Doug Benson, Roddy Piper, Ian Edwards--it was pretty impressive.

Comics are picked randomly out of a bucket, then they perform 1 minute of standup in front of the hosts and a couple of guest comedians. Then there's a post interview that usually involves a lot of cheap shots and ridicule at the amateur's expense. There's rarely any constructive criticism, but it does make for an entertaining show. Tony Hinchcliffe is the snarky and quick-witted host, Brian Redban is the sleazy sidekick, and there's an audience of Neanderthals that gobble up juvenile behavior. Plus, you got a guy in an Iron Patriot costume standing there for the whole show. He was sort of the show's perverted mascot. The original guy was fired, so various comedians were subbing inside a cheaper get-up.

Ian as the Iron Patriot.

I used to see the original Iron Patriot character standing on the bus and holding onto the rail because he couldn't sit down in that expensive suit.

"Next stop, Hollywood and Highland!"

During the show, I hung out in the green room and would just hover in the hall when they were calling up the next guy. They only get 5 to 6 people up each episode, and I was so used to not getting up. It was one of those nights when I started to regret signing up altogether and kind of hoped I'd be passed by again. Jamar Neighbors and Brian Moses were the guest hosts--I barely knew those guys and couldn't care less. Eccentric comedian Mugzilla had just stormed out of the room. He went after Jamar Neighbors for being a paid regular and then threw the mic down, marching off in a huff. Eddie Whitehead Jr. followed him, doing his Samuel L. Jackson schtick and then plugging his documentary on Youtube. Then I was called.

I hurried out of the green room and was completely out of breath during my entire set. I sucked hard, the material was dumb, and the interview that followed is what temporarily destroyed me. I'm a sensitive guy and not cut out for The Comedy Store's frat-boy behavior. I've always been the pussy.

They took it easy on me by the end, but the damage was done. Like Tony said, I was about to cry--I felt like shit. I kept doing these stupid bits and everyone would take it as an insult to their intelligence. I felt misunderstood and they had basically told me to quit. My voice alone seemed to infuriate Moses.

You gotta build your armor Wurst, they tare you down to make you stronger.

Are you serious? So you only thrive at the Store if you're a fucking bully?

Anyway, it was a painful lesson. I didn't grow up with a bunch of friends constantly ribbing me at school. I'm not used to being called a pedophile for entertainment purposes. It wasn't a joke at my expense, it was just punishment. My material was that annoying to them.

Somehow I made one friend on Twitter.

I'd done The Laugh Factory "audition/open mic" a few times. The owner Jamie Masada was there on my second try, but I got passed over. The process got old pretty quick and it seemed like the serious comedians I knew were avoiding that place anyway. It makes me feel good to know that Jamie had to sit through my armpit farts. TOO CONCEPTUAL, JAMIE? DID THAT ONE GO OVER YOUR HEAD?

I was really gunning for a showcase, taking schoolyard behavior to the stage. I would forget about The Laugh Factory for months and then go back with no expectations.

Bombing at The Comedy Store potluck for the first time was exhilarating. That room is pure magic. Unlike the Laugh Factory, that club never felt like a waste of time.

You sign up at 6 p.m. with 50+ comics and wait until 6:45 for the list to be posted. It's a long shot; a combination of new names that pop out, friends of the hosts, and maybe a couple of randoms. I'd hear comics grumble over and over that it's rigged, but I brought a buddy who just started standup and he was picked the first time he signed up, so you never know.

Anyway, on December 1, 2014, they posted the list and Brandon Brickz called it out,

"Marty Wurst!"

(sings) I've got the gol-den ti-cketttt!

It really was exciting. Plus Jeremiah Watkins was hosting, who I sort of knew.

You talk to comics about the Original Room and I'm sure they'll say the same thing. There's so much history, it's got the perfect stage, perfect lighting, and the whole room is painted black, so everyone is focused on the performer. It's also the most deadly when you bomb.

I bombed for 3 minutes and Jeremiah was merciful on my exit.

"Guys, he had stage presence, he had character work... should've given a little bit more than that."

The performance sucked for a number of reasons, but I finally did it.

I'd had a good set on this stage before, but it was a bringer show. The potluck open mic actually meant something. I was finally a comedian. A shitty one, but I'd been coming for months and I finally got my 3 minutes. It felt like an honest failure. Many more to come.

To be continued... (when my girlfriend proofreads the next chunk)

For the next installment about "The New Comedy Store" click here

OR Back to YEAR ONE Click here

Best Open Mics of 2016

Hey, I'm Marty Wurst and I review open mics on my Instagram. Comedy seems to come second.

It's fun to tell my family where I go to open mics.

I get to say I do comedy in gay bars, sports bars, dive bars, rock bars, at the Scientology Celebrity Center, in front of a green screen, at a bagel shop, Chinese restaurants, book stores, art galleries, backyards, record stores, wine bars, a comic book shop, a wine cellar, a grocery store, a bowling alley, a garage IN AN ALLEY, hotels, outside a hot dog joint, inside a hot dog joint, a thrift store, a barbershop, some pizzerias, in a number of coffee shops, comedy clubs, and black box theaters...on a boat, in a cheese shop, and at an AA meeting. Just think about how crazy that sounds. I can't wait to see where I end up this year.

Laundromat, butchershop, nursing home? 101 Freeway mic. Sex shop mic has to happen. How about a D-list celebrity's home? Hang on to the side of a plane on takeoff like Tom Cruise and everyone in the plane can hear you do comedy! Tasty riffs about dying, comedians love that shit!

There were 50 new mics that popped up this year, but I think I made a pretty good dent. ONWARDS!

WINNERS OF 2016

Alright, let me just say up front, I didn't know how to consistently separate these mics into the appropriate categories, whether to include mics that had folded, or write out every single mic into every category- it was too much to wrap my head around. Plus I screwed up a question where you couldn't write in your own answer- the "Best Bucket" mic was limited to 4 answers only, so I apologize.  I corrected it, but it probably cost certain mics the winning votes...I'm a dick.

SEE?

This is just for fun. We all have our favorite mics and we're loyal to them. I just thought it'd be cool to show you what mics are out there and maybe you'll consider checking one out some day. Or maybe you'll snub me next time you see me.

"Hey asshole, saw the results. Thanks for leaving my mic off the list ya DOUCHEWURST!"

I hit a lot of these mics only ONCE, so YOUR VOTES will also help me decide whether I should return.

I really want to give all the solid open mics props, I really do. Anyway, I won't muck it up next time. If it makes you feel better, The Joke Gym never gets props.

ON TO THE WINNERS!

BEST FEEDBACK MIC

Comedian's Choice    Flappers Burbank

Open Mic Reviews     Fanatic Salon

No pictures in this category, sorry!

BEST BUCKET MIC

Comedian's Choice     "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    BAPS Hollywood Hotel mic TIED with Sabor y Cultura   

BUCKET TIME!  "Mouthypants" at The Other Door was like the CHEERS of open mics. Meeting with friends, getting drunk, and doing comedy. Kym Kral and Whitney Melton are the biggest sweethearts and made everyone feel welcome. Now the torch has been passed on to Kevin Anderson and Vanessa Gritton, who keep that love going every TUES. Email killermicotherdoor@gmail.com by Monday at 5 PM. 20 names will be chosen at random. Join Killer Mic on Facebook Sign-up for 20 lottery spots starts at 8pm at the show. 10437 Burbank Blvd, North Hollywood.

And now...it's time for a very special presentation of

THE JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

Jared Levin is a comedian in Los Angeles. He's humped over a thousand stools on various stages across the mid-west. You may know Jared as the comic who cleverly uses the mic stand as a semi-automatic weapon, his way of paying tribute to Jeff Carrisalez. That makes him over-qualified to give out awards.

BEST OPEN MIC FOR DEPLORABLE BEHAVIOR

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Open Mic Reviews      Blacklight District Lounge (trust me)

Honorable Mention    Liquid Zoo

The Blacklight District Lounge in Long Beach is what comic hell is like. I can't recommend it, because you'll hear the darkest, most fucked up depressing shit. I feel like rape jokes were born here. You'll hear N-bombs and misogyny and no one will laugh. All your jokes will get the same reaction. NOTHING. Every once in awhile, a comic may chuckle, but it'll shake you! You do get a nice chunk of time (10-15 minutes) and the hosts are always friendly, but it's a sad place. Bar Rescue couldn't even rescue this place- Blacklight District Lounge rejected them! They said,

"No thanks! We're happy wallowing in shit, now get THE FUCK OUT!"

If you're a glutton for punishment like I am, come on through!

BEST MIC TO DO YOUR FIRST SET

Comedian's Choice     Tribal

Open Mic Reviews      Marty's

Honorable Mentions   Sal's Comedy Hole, Rockpaper Coffee

Marty's at 7351 Sunset Blvd (entrance on Martel) This is home base for a lot of comics. For good reason. You can do 10-30 minutes between two rooms. Hang out, shoot the shit, have some coffee, order pizza, charge your phone, etc. You might not have an audience. Sometimes you do. Some comics may suggest tags for your bits- they get into it here- finding the funny. It can be lively. People return after years of being away.

It was good for my first mic because I knew in advance that it would be a low pressure environment. Lose my virginity quick and get it over with- done. It wasn't pretty, but I did my first set. Marty is supportive. This is a convenient location for a lot of comics and it's open every day! MON-FRI 5-11pm and SAT-SUN 7-11pm. $5 includes coffee and plenty of stage time.

Just don't bring your girlfriend here, that'll prompt Marty to tell his string of rape/incest jokes.

BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice   The Palace

Open Mic Reviews    The Palace   

Joe Kardon hosts at The Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz. On some nights, this room can feel as tough as The Comedy Store. A lot of great comics have done their time here. I've always loved Joe's intros. TUES The mic is after the booked show, which starts around 9:50pm. Lottery. 4 minutes.

BEST MIC THAT FOLDED TOO SOON

Comedian's Choice      Days Inn

Open Mic Reviews       Los Globos

Honorable Mentions    Blackbull Chophouse

Nikki Black and Ellie McElvain were behind the Los Globos mic. It started great and they maintained a fun atmosphere in an intimate room. Plus they found a bag of coke on the stage that some band had left from the night before.

BEST B-LINE PAST THE COMEDIAN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

Comedian's Choice     Karma Lounge (beads!!)

Open Mic Reviews      Scallywags

"Plan B" open mic at Scallywags barbershop. A great all-comic mic in Fullerton that had the unique sheet metal backdrop/bathroom door directly behind the performer. There's no way you could ignore it and I especially loved when a comic would end their set, then immediately turn around to go to the bathroom. R.I.P. Scallywags!

LOUDEST OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Big Wang's

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Open Mic Reviews     Dog Haus

Honorable Mention   Wine Bar (Long Beach)

Alex Duong hosting at Big Wangs in Hollywood. Sure it may be one of the loudest, but Alex said it right, "This is where you get good. If you can be funny here, you can do any room."  He hosts "The Best of 3rd Worlds Comedy" with Haiti every MON and they're a riot. Sign up at 10pm, starts at 11. 1-item minimum. 5 minutes.

BEST SAFE SPACE MIC

Comedian's Choice       Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews        Tao Comedy Studio

Honorable Mentions     Irvine Improv, The Clown House

Bobby Oliver (not pictured here) runs The Tao Comedy Studio on Beverly Blvd. No malicious content here. As she puts it, "Take your rape jokes to Marty's because I'm too old for this shit!" Supportive and fun. MON at 8pm (women only) and FRI at 8pm. $5 which includes a drink. 5 minutes.

I also got a voicemail from a great comic/friend, Jeanne Whitney. Here's her take on safe space mics.

And now...another installment of the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST DIVE BAR MIC

Comedian's Choice      Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, M-Bar

Open Mic Reviews       M-Bar

Honorable Mentions    Lexington, The Blvd

The M Bar in East LA. This is definitely one of those hidden gems in the open mic scene. Steven Moreno and Tony Alfieri host. Great underground vibe, like you're hanging out in somebody's basement. Sometimes Steven brings churros. Hit it up on SUN Sign up 8:30pm, starts at 9. A 1-item minimum gets you 7 minutes!

BEST NEW OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Cask & Hammer, Arlyn Pillay Gallery TIED for 2nd with Scientology Celebrity Center (haha) and Molly Bloom's

Honorable Mention   Delicious Vinyl TIED with Meea's Hot Dogs

Open Mic Reviews     Free Wifi, Meea's Hot Dogs, The Whisperer

Honorable Mention   The Blvd

Free Wifi at The Union House, Downtown LA. Come on, that's a great set-up! Really impressed by this mic; first outdoor night mic I've been to that's really lit well. It's a fun stage and they're energetic hosts: Jessica Dyer, Robbie Bruens, Phillip Maxwell Binder, and Tara McGorry. TUES starts at 8pm, but you can sign up as late as 10! Rolling lottery. $1 for 5 minutes or 3 minutes for free. A bargain!

BEST HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice    Liquid Zoo

Honorable Mention   Anchor Bar

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   The Cork Lounge

Ryan Talmo (The Valley Jesus) hosts at the Liquid Zoo in Van Nuys. Alas, the WED mic with Ron Swallow is no more, but you can still get your heckle fix on Sundays with Talmo. I don't know much from experience, but I recall countless posts online about crazy shit that went down at the Zoo. It's a great dive bar and for a 1-item minimum you get 7 minutes. Sign up on SUN at 8:30pm.

BEST OPEN MIC WITHIN A 2-BLOCK RADIUS

Comedian's Choice    Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Venice Grind

Venice Grind is an impressive mic run by Shannon O' Donnell. It has great atmosphere, feels more like a show, and Shannon is constantly running around to make sure things are going smoothly. Nice to have a host that's an ace with sound too. Great mixed mic option! Sign up Sunday at 5pm, starts at 6. Lottery. 3-5 minutes.

BEST OPEN MIC THAT ENDED IN 2016

Comedian's Choice    Echoes Under Sunset, Scallywags, "Mouthypants" at The Other Door

Honorable Mention   Main St. Bar and Cabaret

Open Mic Reviews     Murder Room, Main St. Bar and Cabaret, Echoes Under Sunset

Honorable Mention    Days Inn

Echoes Under Sunset in Echo Park. Lot of great memories for a lot of comics. Another home base. Fantastic space. Christian and Jasmine Chavez were so generous and always friendly. A countless number of shows were produced here. I got to bring Maria Bamford on this stage. It was such a good training ground for new comics, you could volunteer to host. Great hang. Could be a really tough room at times. There were a lot of young guys on stage venting about their worthless lives, but I met some of my favorite people here. Anyone who misses it should go through Christian's amazing album on Facebook-dive into a giant tasty bowl of seasoned chips and go through the memories.

BEST MIXED MIC

Comedian's Choice    Tribal Cafe

Honorable Mention   Venice Grind

Open Mic Reviews     Slip Bar and Eatery

Honorable Mention    The Lost Bean

Tribal Cafe in Echo Park! Random hosts, or no host at all, but you can reliably get some time MON-THURS or on SUN. They all start at 6pm. $4 purchase minimum, but the food is grubbin! Another great choice for a first mic; it's low pressure, you will learn to deal with the occasional blender, and you can always ask if they need a host. Get some experience in!

BEST DIY MIC

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention   Workout Room in Hollywood

Open Mic Reviews     Meea's Hot Dogs

Honorable Mention    Holy Grounds and Coffee (love that stage!)

The Garage Behind Food 4 Less in Los Angeles. This is Victor Martinez Jr's creation and it's fucking dope. Longer sets, snacks, beer, you can park right in the alley, and get some decent time. If piss-smelling, trash covered alleys isn't your thing, well you're probably free of STDs, but I dig it!

1717 S Western Ave. SAT starts at 10:30pm First, come, first served. 7-8 minutes.

This shit ain't over...another winner takes it all in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS!

BEST MIC TO GET BAKED

Comedian's Choice    Garage Behind Food 4 Less

Honorable Mention    Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews     Boat Mic

Honorable Mention   Rafa's Lounge

If you ever see Boat Mic pop up on The Comedy Bureau again, find a way to get on it! Tim Spencer is a gracious host and puttering around Marina del Rey is a wonderful way to spend a night. Can't imagine a better place getting high either...you're one with nature broooooo.

BEST COFFEE SHOP MIC

Comedian's Choice      Sabor y Cultura

Honorable Mentions    The Library, Solar de Cahuenga 

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions    Coffee+Food, The Library

Sabor y Cultura mic with The Martin Duprass. They were kick ass hosts that kept it energetic and fun. They gave out prizes, used clappers, and made you feel okay about waiting around for a couple hours. Anyway, they just recently passed the torch over to Bryan Vokey and Christian Pieper- very funny guys.  Sabor has a great menu, plenty of space and there's people all over the place, which makes it kind of fun. Like two sets of audiences to play to. FRI Sign up at 8pm. Lottery. 3 minutes.

BEST FOOD

Comedian's Choice    Karma Lounge

Open Mic Reviews     Karma Lounge

Honorable Mention    Tribal Cafe (over 100 items on their menu! Great grub.)

Karma Lounge makes the best sliders I've ever had. Truffle fries are outrageous too. I had these two nights ago and I forgot to take my own picture!

BEST LATE NIGHT OPTION

Comedian's Choice      Flappers Bar (Burbank)

Honorable Mention     Mel's Drive-In

Open Mic Reviews       Flappers (Claremont)

Honorable Mention      Hooters

Claremont Flappers won me over. Every time I've gone, there has been a solid audience. Flappers Yoo-Hoo room in Burbank is a great late night option too- they had a great audience, but Claremont was even better. When there are more customers in the audience than comics waiting to go up, that's saying something. It's definitely clicky here, but it's worth it for the audience. THURS Sign up at 9-9:30pm. Starts at 10. First come, first served. 3 minutes.

BEST ALL-COMIC AUDIENCE

Comedian's Choice      The Clubhouse  

Honorable Mentions     Max Bloom's TIED for 2nd with Murder Room, and Hyperion Tavern TIED for 3rd with Pig N' Whistle

Open Mic Reviews       Grounded Cafe

Honorable Mentions     Murder Room, T&L Pollo's

The Clubhouse in Los Feliz. You wouldn't know that there's a ton of great comedy going on next to Jons in an ugly strip mall. Another hidden gem for the comedy nerds. The Clubhouse has multiple rooms with a sweet MST3K mural out front. Open mic is FRI Sign up at 6pm. 6:30 start. Lottery. 3 minutes. Jace Avery and Connor McNutt host.

Who will win next in the JARED LEVIN AWARDS?

BEST CROWD

Comedian's Choice      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Irvine Improv

Open Mic Reviews      Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention    Hooters

This is the best way to show you what the Anchor Bar experience is like. A picture won't capture it. Take a look at Duke Fightmaster's fantastic ongoing series and tell me you don't want to be a part of it! Even when it's really late, there's usually a few die-hard comedy fans that stick it out.

BEST MIC FOR LONGER SETS

Comedian's Choice      Paladino's (8 minutes)

Honorable Mention     M-Bar      (7-8 minutes)

Open Mic Reviews       Doll Hut   (10 minutes)

Honorable Mention     The Nectar Lounge (8 minutes)

The Doll Hut is an awesome punk bar in Anaheim.  There's just something about this room that's FUN. Joshua Waldrop hosts and produces the Red Guerrilla Funhouse show on the 2nd Wednesday of every month- the open mic follows it. Even on slow nights it's a great hang. Joshua is a great dude and will always get you up. This is my home base! 10 minute sets.

BEST MIC TO PERFORM 3 MINUTES

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Hollywood Improv

Honorable Mention    Comedy Store Potluck

Open Mic Reviews     Anchor Bar

Honorable Mention   Westside Comedy Theater

Ken Garr and Avery Pearson hosting at The Lab. There is definitely an energy in this room and it always feels like a privilege to perform here. Always a great mix of people in the crowd. Plus Ken and Avery are great- total professionals. There's two different mics and they're both great. You'll like being on that stage so much, it'll burn your ass if they don't draw your name, especially after 2 hours. TUE Sign up at 5:45pm or SUN Sign up at 9:30pm

BEST COMEDY CLUB OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    The Lab at The Improv

Open Mic Reviews     Comedy Store Potluck

The Comedy Store Potluck is on MON sign up at 6pm. Results are posted around 6:45 on the window. 3 minutes. I always think of it as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I GOT THE GOL-DEN TI-CKET!!!" It's always a long shot, but man it's pretty great when you strike it rich. Tough ass room with all that history. Nothing like it.

BEST OUTDOOR MIC

Comedian's Choice   Workout Room in Hollywood

Honorable Mention  Sunday BOMB Open Mic Brunch

Open Mic Reviews    Yardwork Mic

Honorable Mention  Meea's Hot Dogs

The Workout Room in Hollywood. Simon Gibson, Megan Rice, Jeff Sewing, Greg Edwards, Doug Dixon, and Leah Kayajanian host this great outdoor mic. Free beer, pizza, and a warm fire. Donate and help them keep it going, it's a supportive all-comic mic. 1243 N. Gower FRI Sign up at 7:30pm, starts at 8. Some 7 minute spots, then 3.

BEST HOST TO HANDLE HECKLERS

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention     Erik Marino

Open Mic Reviews      Evan Cassidy

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton

As a last minute addition, I found a great example of Evan working his magic at The Anchor Bar, courtesy of Duke Fightmaster!

BEST $5 MIC

Comedian's Choice     Marty's

Honorable Mention     Tao Comedy Studio

Open Mic Reviews      El Cid

Honorable Mention     Pig N' Whistle

El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Los Angeles. I just love the variety show feel with the list of performers posted backstage. It feels like I'm in the cast of The Muppet Show. Jugglers, musicians, magicians and comics. The room looks like a 16th century tavern. It's pretty damn fun for an open mic, I would try it!  MON Sign up at 7:30pm. $5 entry. 4 minutes.

Before the big winners, we have the final, highly coveted, JARED LEVIN AWARD!

BEST OVERALL OPEN MIC

Comedian's Choice    Anchor Bar, The Other Door, Comedy Store Potluck

Honorable Mention   Brix

Open Mic Reviews     Brix, Anchor Bar, Yardwork

Honorable Mention   Doll Hut

Brix in Sunset Beach. Love the audience of locals and tourists. It's right by the ocean and there's great food. Plus John is one of the nicest guys on the scene. It's a win-win. Join Sunset Beast/Brix Comedy on Facebook. WED Show starts at 8pm, open mic follows. 16635 Pacific Coast Highway, Sunset Beach

BEST OPEN MIC HOST

Comedian's Choice     Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar), John Silver (Brix), Ryan Talmo(Liquid Zoo)

Honorable Mention    Vanessa Gritton and Kevin Anderson (The Other Door)

Open Mic Reviews      Brian Biancardi (Murder Room), Evan Cassidy (Anchor Bar)  The Martin Duprass (Sabor y Cultura)

Honorable Mention   Kristal "The Pistol" at The Short Stop. She hosted half of the mic, but she cranked it up to 11. Force to reckon with.

Brian Biancardi is a delightful human being. He really got the room fired up with chants of "MURD-DER" while flooding the room with multi-colored lights. It sounds stupid as I'm writing this, but you had to be there. One of the great all-comic open mics to go to. I'm just sorry I never came through for the setup outside- totally missed out. R.I.P. Murder Room.

OKAY, that's pretty much it, but I have one more guest contributor, Chad who was kind enough to take time out of his epic schedule to leave me a voicemail.

Thanks Bro. You can check out more Chad here.

Special shout out to Nolan at Dromebox Labs, which is also a fantastic mic that everyone should check out. Just a great creative atmosphere to be around.

Dromebox Labs puts out new content daily. Go to the open mic, get involved, guest on someone's show! Click the link I left above for more info, or join their Facebook page.

I know this post is long enough, but I'd like to include some of the generous responses I got from a handful of great comedians I reached out to. Here are some of their favorite mics:

Ali Macofsky- Sabor y Cultura, Anchor Bar, Grounded (R.I.P.)

Anne Flagg- The Hideaway Cafe, Cask & Hammer

Seth Woodward- T&L Pollo's, Max Bloom's, Arlyn Pillay Gallery

Charles Mockler- Meea's Hot Dogs, Tribal Cafe, Free Wifi at Union House

Meea's Hot Dogs in Eagle Rock keeps coming up, so here it is. It's one of the best open mics going now, so check it out!  TUES Sign up at 5:30pm. Starts at 6. 5 minutes. Hosted by Vince Caldera and Luis Lemus (pictured above)

Rachel Mac- The Good Nite, Chatterbox, Lyric Hyperion Theater SAT 3pm.

Chatterbox in Covina. It'll put my mind at ease to include this open mic. I get the sense that it's in the top 5, but it barely got any love in this post. I just haven't been around in awhile. THURS Starts at 8pm, so get your name in the hat- STAT!  5 minutes.

Jonathan Green- Marty's, Comedy Store Potluck, Big Wangs, The Next Stage, "Trapped With Comics" at The Lexington SUN Sign up at 5pm.

Chris Dunham- Anchor Bar, Robin Hood British Pub, Fourth Wall (favorite all-comic audience), Hooters (best crowd)

Spencer Kalendar- Pig N' Whistle, Cahuenga General Store (great food too) 

Courtney Banks- Sunday Bomb Open Mic Brunch at 1pm, TUES at the Improv, Solar de Cahuenga (most supportive) Lexington "Trapped w/ Comics"

Solar de Cahuenga in Hollywood. TUES Sign up at 7:30pm Starts at 8. Lottery mixed in with booked spots. 4 minutes. Hosted by Chris Sanders and Cooper Lee (pictured above)

Robbie Goodwin- Meltdown, Karma Lounge "Bunney Ranch" THURS 6:15pm (message Jacob Bunney in advance and add Bunney Ranch on Facebook)

Sami Sutker- Karma Lounge and "Let's Get Weird" at The Hollywood Hotel. THURS 7:30pm Lottery. 1-item min. 4 minutes. Hosted By Dave Cerwonka.

Mr. Goodnight- "I'd give Grandview Market Best Open Mic in a Grocery Store!"

Grandview Market in Mar Vista. I wish I got the angle with the actual store part of it, it's pretty funny that people are shopping. Solid mic though. 12210 Venice Blvd. WED sign up at 6:30pm, starts at 7. 4 minutes.

Sorry if your mic didn't get a mention. It doesn't mean it sucks, there are so many damn mics! There are a ton of mics that are run well, but maybe they don't necessarily stick out yet. I'm not putting out a worst-of-list. I think we know which ones suck. I'd rather not talk about those. Besides, someone else might like it, why dump on it?

Oh all right. Good riddance to THIS MIC!

Ali giving it her all at The Man Cave in Universal City. There were more than 40 televisions in this fucking place. Takes a real genius to think that this would make a great setting for an open mic. This is just one little corner of an obnoxious sports bar from hell. I'm so glad it got buried.

Big thanks to Jake Kroeger of The Comedy Bureau. Always on top of his shit every freakin day and providing us with the essential open mic/show guide. Drop him a donation!

Matt Cole for his awesome OC open mic list!

He runs the Cask & Hammer mic and it's another favorite- check that out too!

Openmikes.org, Badslava, and anyone who has ever told me about a random mic, or had nice things to say about "open mic reviews," it means a lot to know you're checking it out. If I was a better comedian, my reviews would really hold weight!

Shout out to all the awesome people that run open mics outside of California! 

Thank you for all your votes and indulging me on this, now back to actual work.

Thank you Jared Levin, Jeanne Whitney, and Tom Allen for your guest contributions!

To see all the results from the poll yourself, click here

You can read my open mic reviews for individual open mics here

Okay, it's almost 7am. I lost enough sleep over this.

It's the Good Nite mic in NOHO!  Wakka wakka!  MON sign up at 7pm. Lottery 3-5 minutes. All right, good night.