Favorite Open Mics of 2016- CAST YOUR VOTE COMEDIANS!

With apologies in advance if you don't see your open mic listed. This is just for fun and I was driving myself crazy trying to wrap my head around every open mic I should list in each category.  Luckily, you can click on OTHER and WRITE IN YOUR ANSWER if I missed your favorite.

I obviously couldn't hit every mic and there are many that I've only hit once or twice, so my favorites are going to be radically different from yours.

After you complete the quiz there should be a link to share the poll if you think anyone else would want to do it. I'll tally the results and list the Comedian's Choice, along with my personal picks for Open Mic Reviews. If anything, it'll raise awareness on some of the mics we might be missing out on. I'm going to try and throw in a few surprises too. Anyway, I'll post the results here some time next week. Thanks and click on the link below to participate!

CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MICS OF 2016!

My First and Worst Year: Producing A Show

I get caught up in the gossip. Shitting on comedians that I barely know. I'm trying to stop that. Early on, I was one those guys that would say something negative because I was trying to start a dialogue and reinforce any negative feelings I had about someone. Usually based in nothing; maybe one lousy first impression or through the grapevine on Facebook. Unfortunately, talking shit is a major way to bond with other inexperienced comics. A lot of miserable, sarcastic, unmotivated, boring comics. Or 10+ year comics that bitch about how unfair everything is. They can't talk to you for 30 seconds without shitting on something.

Now I know that's not me. I never feel good about it and it never helps.

The comics I look up to are modest, rarely say anything bad about anyone because they're just focused. They don't feed the fire. I'd rant about something and they wouldn't have anything to add to it. Maybe something along the lines of,

"Yeah, that can happen," kind of response.

I'd see the look on their face. I'm the problem.

I was the same way in Junior High. Picking on the popular kids and being obnoxious because I was so desperate to be a part of their circle. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to put in that kind of work.

I'll be obsessed with some idiot for hours on a Facebook thread, so tempted to participate in the attack, but where is it going to get me? Fuck, I could've written something. I should be writing jokes now, but I think I know something about blogging and comedy! I feel like I'm just regurgitating boring opinions that have been voiced on hundreds of podcasts already, I'll try to pepper this section up! Check out this sweet ass pimp kitty vest!

At least 7 comics named Dave would kill to have this. One cat has a chainmail helmet!

I always want to prove myself to other comics. An audience of strangers is always amazing, but I do feel the pressure of an all-comic mic. It's way too important to me. I don't want to be written off, I know I can be funny. Maybe not the last 20 times you saw me, but I'll get there, don't write me off!

When I had a decent set in front of someone I respected, I felt like I could check that off. Okay, that person doesn't think I'm a piece of shit anymore. I proved myself. Getting closer to being an actual comic! Every good set is a stepping stone. My bad sets would just temporarily render me useless. Instead of doing my homework and adjusting, I would just write something new or beat a bad joke into the ground. Maybe it'll work the 27th time.

"The people that go to Burning Man only need these two words to communicate: Burning...man!"

*crickets slashing wrists*

Only 3-4 survivors from this list and my taint is still funnier.

I bombed in front of Sean Conroy and took it kind of hard. Intimidating dude, (like the Ron Perlman of improvisation) he was sitting in the front row at Echoes Under Sunset with his arms crossed, waiting for his set and just watching me hang myself. He'd probably seen a thousand variations of the heckler character I was doing. I picked on him in character, but he wouldn't roll with it. Why would he? It was more fun to watch me squirm.

Every time I asked him a question he would answer,

"Sure."

Which is sort of the "fuck you" version of "yes and,"  It's an improv thing.

I was berating the audience for being a bunch of hipsters. Yelling out,

"Well I got something for ALL OF YOU!"

Then I started handing out free coffee coupons from a local coffee shop. Sean politely declined.

I had my bombing routine where I would call up Claire afterwards and tell her I just ate shit. Or who I ate shit in front of. She would convince me that it was okay, everybody bombs, and remind me that I'd had good sets before. She would tell me that she loved me and make me feel better about what had happened. Oh, there is life after tomorrow, I forgot! Thanks, baby!

Claire understands the grind. She's a fan of a lot of the people I look up to and we listen to a lot of the same podcasts now. She got into Jen Kirkman and The Longshot Podcast early on and now she subscribes to more comedians than I do. We went to Power Violence and a number of shows at The Improv. Pete Holmes, Todd Glass, Ron Lynch, Eddie Pepitone, Maron, Sebastian, Ian Edwards, and Tig- we love Tig. She pushed me to go on the road. She encouraged me to stop using the train and take her car instead. She makes this all possible. It's unbelievable. She even made cookies when I produced my own show.

(insert hacky Field of Dreams quote) Michael Donato designed these fantastic flyers.

I'd done a couple of shows at The Lexington with Tony Bartolone where I did some character stuff. I played a wrestler, a heckler that takes on Mr. Goodnight and a squarish Steve Allen type talk show host. Anyway, the owner liked me enough and said if I ever wanted to use the space, hit him up.

Tony was nice enough to help me too, he ran sound for me. Uggh, I didn't even give him a fucking spot and he ran sound for me- that's how great a guy he is and how SELFISH I can be.

Post "The Revolution!" show outside the Lexington with Tony.

I think the best thing in comedy after doing standup is booking your own show. Reaching for the stars, pulling in friends, what a great position to be in! Compiling a fantasy list of mostly male comics and shooting them a message on Facebook.

A combination of comic friends, comics I met at open mics, (but hadn't talked to) or comics I saw on a show.

So if you're a new comic wondering, how the hell do I get booked on a show?

Well, a moron like me could accidentally see you at an open mic and then end up liking you! And I'm the guy who did a shitty set before you, remember? You never know who could be running shows.

Most people got back to me pretty quick. Comedians love a full calendar. 

I adored The Walsh Brothers. So original and twisted. They blew my mind at TigerLily and I finally met the guys through a mutual friend.

Brian Scolaro was someone I had talked to outside of The Comedy Store. He's one of the first comics to give me any kind of advice,

"Don't move To Long Beach."

Oh shit. Brian Scolaro just caught my girlfriend taking a photograph.

I was a fanboy of Dean Delray. I heard Matty Goldberg on Danny Lobell's podcast and dug his book about his friendship with Angelo Bowers. Ron Babcock was one of the friendly guys on the scene, loved his standup. I'd worked on a webseries with Paul Danke. Just met a lot of the other comics at open mics. I worked with Jeanne Whitney at Arclight Hollywood and we started standup around the same time. I watched Timika Hall do her first set at Echoes Under Sunset and she was great! Ester Steinberg cracked me up at The Palace and then I wanted to book her after I saw this sketch. She just happened to be hanging out with Neel Nanda when I was booking him, so I got both of them right then and there.

Robert Vertrees was brand new like me, but I just dug his story.

I knew I'd never have to worry about Ken Garr.

Just read his awesome blog entry "One Year Later and Why I Should Quit"

I should've taken note and made my blog shorter! That dude is a complete professional and will never hesitate to give you his tour dates at the MGM in Las Vegas.

Jak Knight was edgy and exciting. Jon Durnell was the best thing about a bringer show I did at the Formosa. I didn't even know Lisa Landry, but Brian asked if she could be on. Same thing with Kevin James Moore, a buddy of Matty's.

Maagic Collins is one of the kindest souls I've ever met. I love his standup. He would show up to my afternoon Tribal mic on Saturdays. Very supportive guy.

I think I saw Rick Wood at Power Violence and he just blew me away.

Anyway, you get the fucking point, this was just an excuse to drop everyone's links. Jesus Christ.

One time I made the amateur mistake of messaging too many people at once and then having to tell one comic I'd put them on the next show. I got a lot of grief for that and I was pulling my hair out. I was getting a guilt trip from the disappointed comic and now I didn't want to book him at all. It was totally my fault, but I was just getting through the learning curve. Book carefully, and wait for your damn responses.

Another recurring thing that kept coming up is a comic wanting to bring a friend for a guest spot. It's a good rule of thumb to keep a spot open for a possible drop-in. Or just book less comics Marty. Aren't you glad you paid $200 for this helpful comedy workshop tip?

I was also planning on doing all these wacky sketches and transitions that had nothing to do with the stand-up comedy. I wanted to make it an event. I asked Chris Walsh if we could have an extended dialogue where the Walsh Brothers get in an argument with me and then pretend to shoot me from the audience...so now I'm suddenly on the level of The Walsh Brothers! Proposing bits. Chris was really nice about it and declined in the best way possible. He made me realize that I should only work on the hosting- not all this extra dressing. I'd be stressed out enough. Plus, The Walsh Brothers have their own thing going on and it's hilarious.

Claire helped me with some basic PR stuff; shooting out emails to various websites with LA calendars of events. Lot of people check online for free entertainment. I hit up LA Weekly early enough to get this delightful blip:

Did I pay anyone? I paid Dean Delray. I paid Brian Scolaro. It seems a little unfair now, I had The Walsh Brothers, Ron Babcock, Paul Danke, and Matty Goldberg, who all have a shitload of experience.

I got this dumb idea that I should write thank you notes to everyone else. Looking back, I gave comedians false hope of money in those envelopes, only to find a badly scrawled "thank you" with some shitty stick figure doodles. At least there were cookies at the gig.

Brian mentioned the 50 bucks onstage and I was really embarrassed. It exposed the inner-workings of my inexperience and that I was holding out on everyone else. I think I would do it differently now, but it was a free show.

2nd show was a lousy turn out, but I had a handful of people because they saw an ad in the "LAist" They specifically said, "We saw it in the LAist." It blew my mind. So you never know! Send those emails out.

Tony watched me have a mini-meltdown. I was stressing out because there was a band that was booked on a show immediately after and it was clear that I was going to run over their time. I thought if I gave up my own set and kept bringing the next comic up, we'd finish on time without cutting anyone's sets down.

Tony explained to me that I shouldn't of worried about that, that it was worse to bring the comics up cold. It's better to keep the audience warmed up, but I was hopping back on stage saying,

"Give it up for Ron Babcock, and now let's keep it moving- Matty Goldberg!"

I didn't get it. I thought running over my time would fuck things up and I'd never get to do a show again. I shouldn't of booked so many comics anyway- Paul Danke was going on dead last, and he'd been waiting around so long, I felt horrible. I should buy his album.

So don't sacrifice your time for the sake of the next show- be a good host, Wurst.

But that first show had a great turnout, especially for The Lexington. The comics were kind of impressed. That extra leg work paid off.

I remember I wanted to bring Dean Delray up to a Led Zeppelin song and I kept bothering Tony about it when the order changed. Then when the music came up, Dean was clearly stoked and that little moment meant a lot to me.

On his way out he yelled,

"Congratulations on your 1st year of stand up!"

Speaking of which, I asked Melina Paez if I could be in her "DropTheSoapTV" series, where comics do stand-up in her shower. It was a fun way to cap off my first year.

Okay, that was rather manic. Just a couple steps away from Denis Leary- uggh. Anyway, I STOPPED doing that. Here's a message to myself as I time-travel back to the shower,

Horrible jokes, asshole! Your taint is hilarious by the way.

I just want to thank the people that encouraged me or gave me useful information when I started bumbling my way through open mics that first year (July 2013-2014)

Brett Gilbert, Ric Rosario, Matty Goldberg, Tony Bartolone, Jason Van Glass, Ron Babcock, Dean Delray, Chris Walsh, Matt Walsh, Danny Lobell, Mollie Gross, Melina Paez, Brian Scolaro, Jamie Flam, Jeremiah Watkins, Mike Celestino, Justin Alexio, Neel Nanda, Mikey de Lara, Paul Danke, Ari Mannis, Lydia Robinson, Ryan Doolittle, Maagic Collins, Don Barris, Elissa Rosenthal, Rob Antus, K-von, Jarrett and Emily Galante, Christiane Georgi, Hiro Matsunaga, Greg James, Carly Craig, Matthew Hilton, Sally Mullins, Matt Sauter, Matt Gamarra, Donald McKinney, Ryan Kain, Jeremy Fultz, Del Weston, Derick Armijo, Alisha Morine, Nicole Malina, Devon Schwartz, Andy Salamone, Barbara Gray, Sean Conroy, Myles Weber, Ricky Winston, Frankie Ma, Rishi Arya, Brandon Birckz, Sean K., Mike Menendez, Jamar Neighbors, Mr. Goodnight, Erica Rhodes, Matt Champagne, David Gerhardt, The Martin Duprass, John Silver, Ryan Pfeiffer, Kevin Anderson, Whitney Melton, Kym Kral, Jared Levin, Kenneth Lion, Alex Croll, Adam Carr, Trevor James, Deon Williams, Amber Brashear, Pat Regan, Brad Silnutzer, Rob Weissman, Marty, Graham Curan, Eddie Pepitone, Quincy Johnson, Blythe Metz, Willie Dynamite, Freddy Morales, Marcela Perdomo, Nick Kaufman, Atelston Fitgerald Holder The 1st, Bruce Boiman, Tom Allen, Melissa Villasenor, Maria Bamford, Todd Glass, Lou Perez, Allison Anders, Jeremy Bassett, Tony Alfieri, Laura Niles, Tamoy Sherman, Chaliss Robinson, Eddie Whitehead Jr, Brent Weinbach, Jill Maragos, Jodi Miller, Luz Pazos, Brianna Murphy, Sasha Kapustina, Alain Villenueve, Brad James, Lauren Kiang, Yoav, Ken Garr, David Gregorian, Jordan Leer, Stefano Della Pietra, Down Under Comedy Club, Mike Garrison, Brad and Sara Harris, Thomas Hussey, Harold, Chino, Tiffany Gomes, Simon Gibson, Joe Wagner, Scott Luhrs, Jay Weingarten, Joe Kardon, Pedro Salinas, Willie Dynamite, Robert Vertrees, Amber Kenny, Karah Britton, Alison Tafel, David Hill, Andy Kosec, Micah Lile, Chris Putro, Kris Rubio, Jade Thom, Brodie Reed, Ryan Talmo, Kevin Lee, Kellie Ann, Jeanne Whitney, Jake Kroeger, Nikki Riordan, Tim Mars, Christian Chavez, Jake Adams, Louise Hung, Michael Donato, my Geffen peeps, all my Arclight friends, Stella friends, childhood friends and family that came out to support.

Or if you're just generally nice to me thanks. You gave me the strength to go out and bomb one more time.

Shout out to Mike Celestino's great documentary "That's Not Funny".

and finally To Claire:

For every time I called you up to moan out my discontent, only to be dissuaded from my stubborn misery because of your constant light, love, and gentle reasoning.

For those open mics you'll never be able to unsee.

I love you more than open mic comedians love pussy jokes.

And as you know, that's a hell of a lot.

Jamie Flam, artistic director at The Hollywood Improv, closing out 2015 with Claire at the VanJam. He proudly wore the ridiculous squid hat that she brought from the aquarium.

If you'd like to continue on to Year 2 click here

OR Send me back to Open Mic Hell click here

My you are a glutton for punishment. You must be a comedian!

My First and Worst Year: Open Mic Hell

It can be pretty lonely going to an open mic when you’re starting out, especially if none of your friends are comedians. I missed the boat when a wave of my friends had just quit a year prior. I think they were just depressed by the overall experience or had moved on to better things. Eventually, I ran into a couple of people that I knew, but we didn’t hit all the same mics.

You venture out to these open mics, sign up on a list or throw your name in a bucket for a lottery draw. Echoes Under Sunset was typically swamped with 40-50 comedians. If I was way down the list, it could be hours before I got up. Then by the time it was my turn I might have an audience of 2 because everyone either bounced to other mics, or were just hanging out in the other room, charging their phones and socializing. I’d marvel at comedians that dropped in and were immediately put up. What the fuck? Why do these motherfuckers just get to go up and bounce immediately after? I've been waiting for 2 hours!

It made my blood boil.

Typical sign up scenario. Maybe 5 of those comics are actually there when it starts, the rest are gradually drifting in from other mics. Note Atelston's custom-made stamp.

Sometimes I'd go to an open mic early and the host would show up with the list. Then I'd go to sign up and there would be 10 people on the list already! What the FUCK?

All part of the game. This would happen for a number of reasons. People are texting the host for an early sign up- friends hook friends up, especially when everyone's trying to hit 3-4 mics a night. Or maybe it's a comic with a higher status- someone who's been in the game longer, so they get the respect and are granted "pop-ins". A few of those comedians would drop in and then shit on the venue in their set. Like it was beneath them to do that open mic.

Occasionally I'd luck out, get up early, and see a lot of comics in the audience...looking down at their phones, not supporting at all. Maybe just frozen in a grimace. I realized that all of this was just part of the grind. I think it's personal, but it's not. I'm just not funny.

Some mics feel like cliques, where the support isn't there unless I'm already in their circle. More than likely, I just suck!

The lounge area of Echoes Under Sunset. You could watch the comic's act on a couch without actually being inside supporting! It was always kind of funny to hear laughs in the other room- you never knew who was listening.

Comedians in the open mic scene have witnessed the same cliches pass through a million times. The young cocky guys that want to be shocking. The misogyny. White guys that think they can drop the N-word because their favorite comedian did it. Comedians that can't take the silence so they start screaming at the audience. And not at other comics, they're screaming at customers- just innocent people that happen to be there.

I saw a comic walk up to someone who was studying and scream in his ear. Just some student who didn't care that an open mic was going on because it was a fucking coffee shop. Lot of these open mics are in random places and customers might feel like they're being held hostage. I saw a young comic scream at an elderly man to suck his dick. Others have called audience members cunts. Long sets devoid of jokes.

Familiar topics range from:

1. Fat women should be grateful that I want to fuck them!

2. Midgets are ridiculous.

3. Homeless people are gross.

4. I'm fine with gay people, (my cousin is gay) as long as they don't try to fuck me in the ass.

5. Rape, molestation, 9/11, Hitler, and incest.

6. Passive aggressive rant about (insert race here)

7. Bitches be crazy.

8. A woman having her period (a disgusted man's perspective)

9. Asians are bad drivers. (occasionally told by a comic of Asian descent)

10. Dude, that's so gay.

11. Hitting women.

12. Aids. (very popular)

One of my favorite segues was at Rockpaper Coffee- a mic where the darkest of souls would gather to charge their phones. This dude named Glenn just said horrible stuff about women for a few minutes and then he transitions with,

"I just want a girlfriend."

I remember there was an avant-garde asshole at The Palace. We'd perform upstairs in this Chinese restaurant (it's still going) and this one dude starts yelling down at a family that's just trying to celebrate their kid's birthday party. The comic is doing this violent hacking cough, flailing his arms, jumping into the wall behind him, and leaning over the balcony to yell at the party. He picks up a potted plant and all this soil spills out over the floor. It might sound hilarious as I'm describing it, but nobody was laughing. The host was livid. Of course he leaves without helping to clean up. One of those real artistic performers.

I change my mind, that guy was fucking brilliant. I think his name was Crispin Glover.

That's the thing, I end up meeting people that respect those kind of performers immensely and I have to question my judgement all over again.

Oh, I see, he's emulating unfunny incarnate, I just didn't get it!

I've seen so many long, ranting monologues. There's never a shortage. I'm so depressed. I want to kill myself. Comics shitting on everything they're not. Shitting on religion just because. Comedians rolling around on the stage, screaming, doing their version of an uncomfortable Andy Kaufman set. I subjected my girlfriend to a few of these mics.

Back and forth notes with my unfortunate girlfriend, while sitting through an open mic at The Lexington.

I've become a little desensitized to the appalling behavior and just come to accept it. Most of these morons will be gone in a year or two, or they'll change their strategy from attacking the audience to writing actual jokes.

I'm friends with comics that have done these things. That's on me. I have conflicting emotions because you meet really nice people that have done awful things on stage. You should be able to express yourself at an open mic right? Maybe they just needed to get that shit out. I've definitely embarrassed myself countless times, but I firmly believe that I sink by myself. I hate comics that attack the audience because they can't handle their bombing.

With that said, I'm sure I'm due for a meltdown in the future.

Besides, that last bit killed at Flappers, so fuuuuuuuuuuck you pregnant lady, your unborn child's a cunt!

...sorry about that.

This might cheer you up, here's a picture of Jared Levin playing to a totally empty room!

Jared alone at the doomed Vaucluse Lounge on Sunset Blvd.

So I would spend hours trying to get up at various places. Sometimes there's a drink minimum. Maybe a $5 entry fee. Some mics are absolutely free. Average 3 minute sets. Some were 4-5. At Marty's you could do 20 or more. That's not necessarily a good thing.

To add to the insanity I'd see these crazy people getting on stage.

They're clearly not serious about doing comedy, and now they're robbing me of stage time! Motherfucker.

I took it really personally. Anyone who didn't seem to care about stand-up just got under my skin. I was taking the metro blue line to the red line from Long Beach up to Hollywood, which would take anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. Then I would wait around for an hour or two to MAYBE go up (lottery draw, mixed with drop-ins and employees) and then some careless fuckhead employee at the Improv automatically gets to go up? They didn't even write any shit! They even said it three time during their set,

"I didn't write anything."

GREAT! Now there's this ancient vaudeville fuck doing his act from the 1940's. He's getting out the shoe polish....DEAR GOD.

I actually heard a Tammy Faye Baker and Monica Lewinsky joke- I couldn't believe it.

It's just one of those things, there's certain people you only see at certain open mics over and over- like The Laugh Factory, The Comedy Store, or The Ice House. Same weirdos popping up. A woman singing some horrible song and rambling incoherently about her life story. The dude with the huge sombrero that kept clearing his throat and fucking with his phone during everyone else's set. There was also a conspiracy theory guy that would bring charts on stage.

Most of the hosts just embrace these people. Just give them their time and move on. Maybe these mics are keeping them from doing something worse. Or maybe it's keeping them alive. Pretty dramatic, but who the fuck knows.

One guy showed up to The Ice House to battle his fear of public speaking. He would break down and cry almost every set.

Some open mics encourage feedback from other comics after your set. It's a great idea that a lot of people take advantage of. I was never crazy about it because I'm stubborn and I hate most comic's material, so why would I want their input? I do like technical notes about what I'm doing on stage, but I'm a stickler for what's written. No one can improve my 9/11 dick joke, it's the best one clearly.

Then I found myself giving unwarranted advice to comics that didn't ask for it. Jesus Marty, you're barely a year in. What the fuck do you possibly have to offer?

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I gradually made friends. It took awhile. I struggle to be myself in front of other comics to this day because I care too fucking much. I come off like a phony and I know it, but I'm trying to let it all go. No one is thinking about me! They're probably thinking, well that guy sucked, or not this piece of shit again, but that's probably it. They're worried about their set.

The Comedy Store patio mic was instrumental in finding my voice a bit. Very thankful to Josh Martin for hosting it. It was the 50-yard line for an open mic week. Wednesdays AND Thursdays at 4pm, which is really early for a week day mic. It left me plenty of time to hit some more mics at 6 or 7pm. When I was taking the bus everywhere, it meant a lot to get those two guaranteed mics in every week. I started to loosen up because of this place. I felt a camaraderie here. I really bonded with some good people.

Josh Martin hosting.

There were so many distractions- the street noise alone. Every few minutes, a bus would pull over to take pictures. TMZ and Rasta buses. Double decker buses. Just a bunch of tourists on vacation getting bombarded with worthless information about The Comedy Store and now they were staring at us. So we would try to make something of that moment. Or I might just say something lame, lose my place and never recover. Some comics screamed at them. We'd hear the occasional request of,

"Tell us a joke!"

One time I took the challenge and told a quick joke to a bunch of tourists on a bus and got the laugh. That felt like the accomplishment of the year for me- Sean K. was just clowning on how I was gonna choke and then under the gun I got the laugh.

One time a bunch of dudes in a party bus asked a comedian to hop in for a ride.

He did. We never saw him again.

Mike Schmidt performing.

PJ Stansbury would wander into the mic, drinking PBR and promptly shit on everybody during his set. He's what most moms would call a "potty-mouthed troll." I had no idea he was a paid regular. This guy was spewing so much toxic bile I was stunned to know his name was on the fucking wall. First impressions man. They never last. Now he's just a potty-mouthed troll that I happen to like.

Pauly Shore would occasionally pull into the driveway to do business at the Store and give us a wave.

Sometimes pedestrians would participate in the madness. They could hear us from the street, so they'd yell shit out as they walked by. Heckling would take place too, or on a couple of occasions a shouting match. It was always fun to see people stop in their tracks and then actually come in for a few minutes to watch. The bar was open after all.

That particular mic was a great training ground and there was just something about that energy outside on Sunset Blvd.

Chris Dunham.

There were the audition mics like Flappers, that could lead to an audition, which would lead to those bringer-type shows.

Or you could stand outside the Laugh Factory for a few hours and sign up to perform the following week! Also an audition type scenario that could lead to longer sets and showcase consideration... don't hold your breath.

Brandon Brickz and I waiting outside the Laugh Factory.

Always a sober moment when some beautiful person in a fancy car rolls down their window to question the line of 15 comics, standing outside the Laugh Factory.

"Who are you waiting for, what comedian?"

"No, we're waiting to sign up- WE'RE the comedians."

"Oh." (sympathetic wave, drives off)

Some of the comedians are in lawn chairs. One guy is eating a sandwich from the deli next door. An old man is talking our ear off about his "comedy career" back in the day. They cut the line at 15, but the 16th person is waiting anyway- just in case. They're going to be disappointed. No exceptions.

I'd sit around, try to write a joke for a minute and then give up. Someone would start a conversation with me. Or hand me their dog for this picture.

I lied, I asked to hold the dog. This is Cloud. He is a poodle/chihuahua mix.

That's the only good thing I really have to say about standing outside the Laugh Factory. I meet good people. I won't meet the owner, Jamie Masada. At least, not any time soon. He's in the Bahamas or something. Which is a good thing, I'm still terrible. He was there once out of the 7 times I've done it. so I eventually grew bored and got involved with other things.

I'll end this entry with another painful artifact. I can't bring myself to watch this again, but I'll post it.

I was interested in the Flappers podcast, the "FlappCast" because the owners/hosts had on a lot of comedians that I knew. Anyone could do a short set. Plus they booked some pretty good guests to sit in and give feedback. Very much like the KillTony podcast except nothing funny happens. 

I take that back, GT's appearance, which I must hunt down. They were so shocked by his performance. Nothing like an eccentric, hated, ticking time-bomb comic to blow the lid off an unsuspecting room.

So I found out how to sign up and made a fool of myself. I remember being so disappointed that they didn't get me. That I was doing these outlandish bits; an over-the-top impression that couldn't be serious. An over-the-top story that couldn't be true. When I talked to them I felt like they hadn't even listened to me.

Not that any of my material was good, my shirt alone sealed my doom.

to continue to Producing A Show click here

OR BACK to the BRINGER SHOWS (gag reflex) click here

My First and Worst Year: Bringer Shows

How could anyone possibly book me after this set?

Oct. 27, 2013 was my second show at Flappers. At the time I felt it was okay. Now I can't stand to look at it. I'm out of breath. I'm frantic. It looks drug-induced. I'm trying to be Griffin Dunne in After Hours or something. It's like the time I was trying to be cool at Stella Adler by doing Eric Bogosian monologues in scene class. It just felt good to yell.

Jesus, I just checked, It even says that in my fucking journal,

My Set:

Wallet- "It felt good to yell!"

Bully Kids- "A little sloppy, but good!"

Open your eyes, mac!

After my set, a "talent scout" named Alexander takes me aside and wants to take my info down for The Comedy Store. He's very complimentary and I'm thinking, OH, I'm getting my just rewards! Holy shit this standup world is magical. Things are fucking happening!

I don't think I'd even stood in line for the Comedy Store's potluck open mic yet, but now I was already getting booked on a show!

1st experience backstage in the Comedy Room Green Room!

A video posted by Marty Wurst (@thewurstpictures) on Dec 4, 2013 at 8:49pm PST

I have a history of gullibility. I joined the American Radio Network on Sunset/Hobart when I was 19 and was totally convinced that I was producing my own radio show. I thought it was being broadcast somewhere. I was paying for time and living in a delusional world where I, like many overexcited morons that move to California, didn't know any better. I wanted to believe it SOO BAD. Just look what it says on their website:

"To all skeptics: The American Radio Network is not a SCAM!"

Haha, come on man! That's a definite red flag. That sounds like they've received thousands of accusations- it's the first thing in their statement! The website is shit, their equipment is shit, and it's still going! Denial is so powerful.

Anyway, so what are Bringer Shows to you non-comics? Well, you need a minimal amount of people to show up- preferably 5-10. My friends usually paid $15-20 bucks per entry, along with a 2-drink minimum.

So what's wrong with that?

Well, it's going to be a wildly uneven show because the line-up is stacked with new and inexperienced comics like me that SUCK. We're talking comics that are only a few months in, or maybe a year. Then at the end, Bobby Lee closes it out!

Well, at least the last guy was funny, even though I heard most of his jokes before.

My friends will never want to come out again because they just blew 40-50 bucks on a shit show and now I've just reinforced anyone's opinions of lousy comedy. Why go to a show at all? This is what it's like?

The whole thing is seductive because you're playing the historic rooms. The Original Room at the Comedy Store- Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey. I was on a show with a television star, Bobby Lee, I'm working my way up already!

I've had relatives ask me, "So when are you getting a comedy special?"

Nobody knows how this works! After that show I would've said,

"Give me a year!"

So I'm promoting my shows online and expected to bring in a number of friends every time. I bring in less friends every time because they've already supported my ass, and this shit is expensive. Suddenly I'm not booked. Or worse, the booker still wants me, but treats me like shit.

Here's a doo-dad example! Look at this idiot here:

So you see this dickhead, right?  He's convinced he's moving up in the world! The booker even made him a stupid flyer!

I was already starting to feel the pressure from the bringer shows after a couple of spots. Flappers always wanted a head count, but this is how they worded it,

*Our shows are not bringer required, but as a courtesy,  if you don't think you can get some fans to see you, we are happy to reschedule you for a show that may be more convenient."

In other words Marty, make some fucking friends and GRILL THEM until they GUARANTEE YOU THEY'RE COMING OUT- AND HAVE THEM CALL US WHEN THEY ARRIVE, SO WE CAN PREPARE TO SELL THEM SHIT WINGS! OR NO SHOW FOR YOU! I REPEAT, WE'RE NOT A BRINGER SHOW!!!!!  Just kind of.

One time I asked the booker up front if it was a bringer and the response was,

"Not really, it's not like others, I mean, you only need to bring a couple people out."

Oh, okay. So then I would do it.

I was sucked into another show when I was out of town. Someone from the Store referred me to another booker. She was all talk, asking for my credits, how much pay, how much experience I had- all business and sounding pre-recorded. My inexperience shined through my responses and she probably already knew. I agreed to the show after she talked me up and then I started feeling a little queasy about it. On the other hand, I told my mom the exciting news- another booking! 

I reached out to a fellow comic, Jeremiah Watkins:

12/21/13 "Hey Jeremiah, sorry to bother you during the holidays. I was just kind of shaken up by a bringer show situation and I would love to hear your take on it if you get a chance some time. I love comedy, I love comedians, but someone booked me a show and then made me feel like shit for not having more people committed to going. It was just weird and it felt like Glengarry Glen Ross "Always be CLOSING!" I'd be honored to make a cent from doing what I love at the moment, but I don't want to kill myself over this upcoming gig. I understand the importance of promoting, but I assume it's difficult for any beginner unless they have a built-in fanbase. Anyway, sorry- I don't know a lot of comedians yet and I only know you from Jake's podcast. Have a happy holiday man."

It's painful to read this. I was so clueless! Jeremiah responded back:

"Bringer shows suck, so don't feel bad that you didn't get a bunch of people out to that show. Keep hitting mics and working hard and you'll get to a point where if someone asks you to bring a certain amount of people, it's insulting. Do as many mics as you can and you'll get shows from people who aren't expecting you to bring anything but the funny. ONLY use bringer shows if you're in DESPERATE need to showcase for an agency or manager. Otherwise, good shows will organically come. Hope this helps."

"It does. Big time. Thank you buddy."

A flyer I left in the break room of the Geffen Playhouse.

I was working in the Box Office at The Geffen Playhouse when my cel started to ring. It was the booker. I stepped out and took the call.

"Hi Marty, I just wanted to see how many people you have confirmed."

....

"Just 2 so far," I said, which was a complete lie, but it was better than saying none. There was a pause on the line and then,

"Marty...that's not good enough."

I think my heart started beating faster as I absorbed the sinister tone that had wafted through the phone. What the hell?

"You have to message your friends on Facebook and get them to come out, and what about the flyer I made you? If you can't get at least 5 people out I don't think I'll be able to give you time, there are other comedians that can bring people."

I was stunned...and she must have felt it because I didn't respond for 10 seconds. I should've bailed out then.

"Marty?"

I stammered out some excuses and she sort of took pity on me and relented a bit,

"I'll get you up, but you have to try okay? Get on Facebook and message them."

It didn't matter anymore. I wasn't looking forward to the show because in the back of my mind I could hear that bitch's voice asking how many people were coming. I'd had friends come out to past shows, but this time I was just dried up. I shouldn't of cared, but I didn't know the score, I thought I wasn't going to be able to do stand-up comedy like I wanted. I thought I had to do these fucking bringer shows.

My girlfriend was keeping me at bay, I could vent to her at least. I didn't really have anyone else I could talk to. Trying to explain this shit to any non-comic is exhausting because there's all these potential, "So, shouldn't you promote?" kind of responses that might lead to an argument. I want to enjoy doing my standup, not worry about who's getting off the fucking 101. I'm not a promoter.

She called on the day of the show,

"MAKE ONE LAST PUSH!"

Unexpectedly, my friend Nikki turned up and her presence was much needed. So I had ONE PERSON. Just 4 below good enough. 1 out of 104 invites.

The M bar was falling apart in spectacular fashion. It used to be a hotspot for comedy and burlesque shows, but now it needed someone to pull the trigger. The credit card machines were down, half of the menu wasn't available and yet the staff insisted that people order shit. Get cash!

When I got there, the booker was getting drunk and talking business with the owner.

I met a young comic named Trevor James. He was in the same anxious boat as me, with zero friends showing up. I quickly bonded with him. Finally, our horrible boss marched up to us, and gave us a few instructions, never bothering to talk to us like human beings.

I visited my friend Nikki for a moment, who was being pretty cool about the M-Bar situation, and then the booker is calling me over,

"Marty, I NEED YOU TO BE HERE IF I'M GOING TO PUT YOU UP 2ND! *poke* YOU CAN'T BE LEAVING *poke* YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT THE OTHER COMICS!"

This bitch was aggressively poking me in the chest. I couldn't believe it.

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," I said.

She marched off. I was livid. I didn't even know how much time I was doing.

The order was changed several times. I ended up going on 5th or 6th. The booker also did a set. It was like watching a drunk relative fall onto a wedding cake. She was embarrassing herself. Then the headliner went up and wasn't getting much love. He was drunk too and took it out on the audience, calling a guy in the front row a faggot. His Brooklyn buddies were egging him on, so he dragged his set out for 15 minutes repeating,

"THIS IS MY SHOW!" Killer stuff. I don't think I've seen a set like that since.

After this disaster, I split without saying goodbye, sat with my friend Nikki in her car for a minute and thanked her for being there, despite all the bullshit. I would've felt worse if I subjected more of my friends to the M Bar- I'm lucky only Nikki showed. She paid to see that.

When I got home I blocked that bringer bitch from all my social media.

Never again.

Until a couple more times at The Ice House, The C-Word in The Belly Room (both of which I enjoyed) and The Formosa Cafe (fuck that guy).

I know a handful of people that are still doing bringer shows. Some new people, and a few comics that are 3 years like me. They seem content. Or maybe they're just as clueless as I was, but do I interfere?  After all, I'm the one performing in dive bars, they're playing at respectable CLUBS! I must be the one in the wrong, right? Maybe they just have unlimited friends.

Thank God that shit is over with.

I didn't go through the M-Bar experience alone. Thanks, Nikki!

Oh, and I found this video I posted on Facebook, promoting the dreaded M-Bar show. I had clearly given up and this was a coping mechanism to keep from having a complete meltdown.

To continue to Open Mic Hell click here

You're a brave soul...

OR to go back to the BREWCO click here

My First and Worst Year Doing Stand-Up Comedy: Westwood BREWCO and Onward

3 years in. This is a rundown of some of my favorite things and most cringe-worthy moments that happened in my stand-up journey so far. It's a list to remind myself because I don't want to forget. Even the stuff I wish I could, like when the host cut the mic on me 3 minutes into a ten minute set because I said "cock." 

I'm not a great writer, so I apologize if this style is hard on the eyes. I'll try to get my girlfriend Claire to proof-read it later. Maybe you can recommend a background color that's easier on the eyes. I'll try to include a lot of pictures and clickable links whenever I reference a particular open mic or venue, so you can see what these places look like.

In 2013 I told myself I'd give stand-up comedy a year and then decide if I wanted to continue. It wasn't so much a bucket-list, but a personal goal because I'd been doing comedy in different forms for a number of years. Plus I felt like my soul had bottomed out after a nasty break up and I think I was just trying to go balls out on something new and exciting.

I was listening to comedy podcasts, I started dating Claire and I saw a great show with her at the Improv with Jen Kirkman and Eddie Pepitone. I think the excitement of the possibility was building in my head. I tried to convince my friend Matt to start with me, but he went his own way. It was one of those weak pacts like,

"Hey man, you want to fast for 7 days?"

And then by the end of day one,

"Hey man, you want to hit Del Taco and split a chocolate cake?"

1. I went to Westwood BrewCo's final open mic, which was a long-running, highly regarded place run by Vance Sanders and Robert Yasumura, who were worshipped. Many great comedians had honed their craft there- it was a place that was serious about comedy. That night was more of a somber farewell with guest drop-ins. I was a total outsider and didn't know any comedians yet, but I worked just around the corner at the Geffen Playhouse. I got the idea that I was going to cause a stir- make an undeniable first impression. I was going to do something CRAZY.

If I got called up, the plan was to perform Robert Yasumura's material AS Robert Yasumura, as a sly nod, but mostly because it was a cocky thing to do and I could sort of mock him at the same time. We're talking a highly respected comedian, not to mention one of the FOUNDERS of BREWCO. Real dickhead plan, Marty, Good on you. Totally shitting on the event because I thought I had to go in STRONG!

I studied his routine for 30 minutes and convinced myself that I was ready. I honestly thought that everyone would love it. Oh man, he's doing Robert's material- that's so funny!

The merciful comedy gods were on my side that night. Robert didn't pull my name out of the bucket. He got to one newbie, but it wasn't me. Thank God. it would've undoubtedly been my first lesson in humility and would've backfired a million times over. I would've burned so many bridges, slurring through the routine with several beers in me, probably forgetting the jokes, while the other comics would just marvel at the idiot that was committing suicide at their mic.

What a total douchebag.

It didn't happen though. I'm so GRATEFUL I didn't get to make that first impression.

2. July 14, 2013. 

I read about Marty's on Badslava. There were hilarious reviews and it seemed like the perfect dumpy place to get my first performance out of the way. It didn't sound like anyone would be paying attention, which was good. Like going to a whorehouse to lose my virginity. Quick, sad, and over. So I went there, paid my 5 bucks, and Marty brought me up.

"Hey, going to try and work out my jitters," I said.

I performed maybe 2-3 minutes out of a possible 10-15. My set-list was as follows:

My Last Name, Bob Marley, Cat-Clicking, Man of Steel, "You're Cuter!" and Normalize Breast Feeding.

A comic named Austin said,

"That was your first time? That was good man." I remember I loved one of his punchlines,

"It was the elephantitus in the room, but nobody said anything."

Chuck Bronson was there, along with some performance artist called DYSFUNCTIONAL.

I had survived my first mic. The next week, I went to Marty's again, then Sal's Comedy Hole, then Meltdown Comics. The Jon Lovitz Comedy Club was mysteriously closed one night and I never had a chance to go back.

3. After weeks of bombing I got my first "big laugh" at The Palace.

"Had a great open mic last night- my first break thru where I heard the whole audience laugh.  Now I want to chase after that moment again and again.  Been going to some really interesting venues- last night was the 2nd floor of a Chinese Restaurant." (from an e-mail to a friend.)

That was a game changer. I accidentally connected or something, but getting a small group of comedians to laugh was very special. I should've thrown the mic down and said,

"Holy shit, I'm done," and walked away from comedy forever. I'd never get a group of comedians to laugh again.

4. I was huffing it back to the train from the Dangerfield's 3 mic and I saw Paul Scheer and his transparent party tour bus slow down next to me. It was for the "Crash Test" pilot he was filming with Rob Huebel. I had my earphones in and couldn't make out what he was saying, but he was waving to me, so I just saluted back. I had my Long Shot Podcast t-shirt on and I felt like I was having my first comedy nerd moment. I've had Hollywood moments- I've been out here since '99, but that was the first thought of, Hey, I'm one of you guys! I'm doing comedy too! Can I get a ride? No? WELL FUCK YOU, HUMAN GIANT SUCKS!

5. I was consistently hosting at Echoes Under Sunset because no one else would. What a great opportunity! Christian was so cool to me and never hesitated to give up the reigns to young and eager comics. I was suddenly on stage, bringing people up, fucking up their names, apologizing profusely, bombing spectacularly, and often! Great way to start remembering names and faces though. I was writing helpful pronunciations on the side of their actual names,

"Jeff WATT-AND-HAW-FUR."

I was so confused when comics were angry about me fucking up their name, yet they refused to tell me the actual pronunciation!

"No, let me have this to hate about you Wurst. Go fuck yourself new guy!"

Despite my bumbling on stage, I managed to make a few friends. One night I was doing a heckler character and I swear there was only two people watching, but one of them was Tony Bartolone. He came up to me after and said he liked my bit. He was really enthusiastic about it. He asked me if I could do a little improvised bit on a show he was doing. My first real booking!

6. I kept a comedy journal of my first year. I wrote down names of comics that I liked with a star. Ron Babcock- "Funny!" Matt Champagne. Ester Steinberg.

"Jake Cannon told us all to leave." (from a Sal's set)

Dave Ross. I also marked the comics that were doing stuff outside of the box. Some of them I hated. Some of them I liked. Some I hated, started talking to them, and then realized I'd made a bad call. I made a lot of bad calls. First impressions were usually way off, with the exception of GT. I met comics and then listened to them being interviewed on podcasts. More confirmation that I had been wrong. So many interesting people.

7. Chris Putro saw me at The Other Door and put me on his Crispy Comedy Show. 8 minutes seemed like an hour, so I prepared a lot that night.

8. One night when I was bumbling through my hosting duties at Echoes, I brought up Maria Bamford. I barely got her name out.

Some of my favorite ladies in comedy showed up at the Echoes Under Sunset open mic that night. Maria Bamford, Melissa Villasenor and Amber Kenny!

9. I did Tony's show at The Lexington and played a wrestler obsessed with John Cena.  Eddie Pepitone was the headliner that night and he saw me perform. At one point I called the audience a bunch of assholes and I heard Eddie's cackle for a moment. Man that felt good.

10. I hosted at Tribal Cafe for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon for 6 months. I had plenty of time to practice by myself, because ...not a lot of foot traffic.. I was lucky to have more than 3 in the audience. Jeanne Whitney occasionally hosted with me. Anyway, it could be pretty bleak, but I met some cool people like Maagic Collins and Tamoy Sherman. Then there was the guy in the cowboy hat.

It was already a crazy day because earlier, a fight almost broke out. Some guy was performing and it was one of those aggressive uncomfortable sets and Tamoy made the mistake of telling the guy to tell some jokes. That escalated into a shouting match and it was clearly going to get ugly, so I cut the mic and told the guy to leave.

"FREEDOM OF SPEECH!" was his parting argument.

Yeah, we all thank our lucky stars for having freedom of speech whenever an asshole rants on the mic.

Anyway, so that left things tense. So then the dude with the cowboy hat enters.

He's an older man, not particularly funny, and I'm guessing he's just one of the many eccentric characters that hang out in Echo Park.

He made jokes about going postal and with a grin he opens up his shirt to reveal he's strapped with dynamite.

Claire was there, she can vouch for this.

Of course it wasn't real, it couldn't be, but the day had taken a turn and it would've been entirely appropriate for some dude to walk in and kill us all- that was the punchline! I told one comedian he had to leave and another popped in to blow us up! Hilarious.

Claire said it had to be candles. So now everything is weird in the room, he's still doing his set and next he unsheathes a samurai sword. I'd failed to notice he had a sword on him, I know this is surreal.

He's waving it around and there was no mistaking it, a real sword. It's a David Lynch moment, the dude is still grinning like he's my friend, he even asks me,

"Did I get the light?"

"I'm not going to light you, you got the sword," I said.

He finished his set and left. The bored, unaffected Tribal employee failed to notice this was even happening. The service always sucked there anyway. I called it a day and quit early.

In the following weeks I went to Fanatic Salon, IO West, House of Tacos and Rockpaper Coffee. Jamar Neighbors was hosting at the Hollywood Improv on the main stage. What a fun mic.

I took the bus to Burbank and had my first audition at Flappers- nailed those 3 minutes. I practiced it until 3am the night before. I'm sure that was completely unnecessary. That lead to my exhilarating, but mostly painful experience with bringer shows, so I'll stop here. I can't wait to re-live the next chapter.

To be continued in the next day or so...

To go to the next entry about Bringer Shows, click here

Comedy Album Preview

Yes, it's true. So many of my peers are recording albums and I've decided to take it one step further. No audience. No production. Just one track.

I'm not even selling this shit- it's yours!  May the comedy gods reign over me!

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #8

5 pages to finish the chapter. No problem. 2:30am to around 5am. Plenty of time. Plenty of quiet. I drank coffee earlier, but I've been drinking water all day, so I'm in the clear. Properly hydrated. I close all the windows and unplug the refrigerator.

Problems arise. The fan in the bedroom, which is cooling my sleeping girlfriend, is creating a slight sucking noise through the crack in the door. That's okay, it's a sound I can probably filter out. Constant sounds are easier to take out and it's not that noticeable.

I'm maybe 5 minutes in when our cat Tune starts meowing in the bedroom. She wants out. I open the door and it's clear she's going to give me hell unless I feed her again. I have to bribe her with some creamy half n half. I'm sure Claire knows how her supply is suspiciously light the next morning, but Tune (our cat) has me in her claws. That'll shut her up for a few minutes and then she'll do one of two things: she'll take a 30 minute nap, or her eyes will go black like a shark's and then it's all over. Crazy time.

I'm lucky tonight. She decides to go to sleep under my chair while I record. Perfect. That usually gives me an hour before she starts snoring, but I can simply reach under the chair and disturb her dream with a quick stroke of the tail.

Clipping the next page in front of me and finally making some progress! I hear a fog horn go off every 60-90 seconds, so I have to wait it out and start the sentence again. Then I can hear a car from a mile away racing down a deserted Broadway and the sound is relentless. I take a sip of Throat Coat tea and pause the recording. I play a bowling game for a couple of minutes.

I get back to recording and once again, curse the headache that is the word, "little." My mouth was not made to say that word without some kind of sticky saliva result. My tongue hates that word and it never sounds quite right. When there's 3-4 L words in the same sentence, I start to lose my mind.

Tune starts snoring. Pet the cat, move on. The fog horn is going. Wait it out, continue. Then, even worse, my tummy is rumbling and bubbling with activity. Yeah, all that stuff picks up on the mic, it's loud and a nightmare once it starts.

I look up the pronunciation of "Nambu" because I've never owned a gun, let alone an 8mm Japanese firearm. Nam-boo, should've known.

Huh. Tune's tail is still swishing like normal while she sleeps.

My mouth is getting tired. I feel my voice straining. Clear throat. Check-one-two, check. Frog in my throat. Damn it. Son of a bitch, I'm so close. Just a page and a half left. Clear throat. Mouth is too dry. Sip.

Fog horn. Car. Cat snores. Tummy bubbling. Outside sprinkler. Drunk teenagers.

I'm sweating- it's so hot in this little space. I can feel myself speed-reading because I just want to end this session. Slow it down Marty. TELL THE STORY.

There are voice actors that are sitting in their lavish recording studio, enjoying an afternoon session with no interference from the outside world. They are well rested and enjoy getting lost in a sea of rich characters.

I don't have any more voices. I ran out on the first book. My voice is getting dangerously close to scratchy. Just a paragraph left- a long one. These run-on sentences are so hard not to rush through when I just want to finish!

Ok, that'll do it.

I nominate Mirron Willis for his Ace Ventura-like reading of Devlin's Luck. Bumble-bee tuna!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #7

This week I had an audiobook listener from Australia contact me for a copy of Dark Sanity. I can't wait to hear the backlash. I should've asked,

"Should I apologize now or later for my accent?"

Anyway, this should be good and brutal. Stay tuned.

Speaking of brutal, sometimes, it's not always a good idea for the author to read their own life story. Even if you're a celebrity.

Starring in The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I nominate Terese Guidice for her stunning performance of Turning The Tables. I'm sure her story is worth telling, but just try to take in anything she says. This audiobook sample is hard work.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #6

Sometimes I'll listen to a chapter I recorded the night before and notice how slow I'm reading at the start. Then the pace will eventually pick up, as if I'm slowly waking up and getting excited about the situation. Then it feels I may be rushing, so I slow it down, and finally find a happy middle. It has to do with being properly caffeinated, hydrated, and my mouth warmed up, so I'm not stumbling over words at 2:30 in the morning. When my situation improves I'll be able to record during the day, but I'm still at the mercy of a lot of outside noise.

I don't want to be a boring narrator, but some people complain when narrators inflect too much emotion, so I try to keep it neutral. I fall into patterns though and it does sound boring- just tell the story Marty.

I want to. I'm working on it.

A reviewer called my Australian accent "horrible" while failing to mention it wasn't supposed to be authentic in the story anyway. Ah well. I know it sucks, but it works for the book- why don't you just pick something else that sucks? There's a ton of examples. One reviewer is a sculptor and he felt so bad about giving me a negative review he apologized,

"I'm sorry, but I had to, you told me to be honest!"

I said, "Of course, it's okay!" I need to improve and I want people to point out my shortcomings. I hope my performance didn't ruin his art project. 

This week's nominee may lull you to sleep. One reviewer complained, "Do not take Nyquil before narrating a book!"

He's not kidding. I listen to a podcast called "Sleep With Me" because the host's voice has an effect on me that helps me gradually pass out, but THIS narrator almost knocked me out in a minute. Have a listen and see if you can hang on to your consciousness.

I nominate Ray Chase for his soothing performance of The Compleat Enchanter: The Magical Misadventures of Harold Shea" Sweet dreams!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE

The Wurst Audiobook Narrator Nominees #5

Incredible. After a month of this I thought I had hit a dead-end already, but lo and behold, I found another competitor, and this one is glorious.

I had a fantastic night of recording last night. Clipping my script above the microphone has taken so much weight off, I can finally perform and not worry about ruffling papers, or reading off my IPhone. A beginner's tip is to keep your head tilted up and I was looking down quite a bit through the first book. Mouth sounds are becoming less of an issue.  It's going to be an uneven chapter; the first half I sound strained and bored, when suddenly, I'm really performing- like the spinach just kicked in. (toot-toot!)

I've read a lot of complaints on audiobook forums where narrators are putting emphasis on the wrong words and taking unnecessary pauses. Another common complaint is a narrator sounding too robotic. With that said, you're going to love this week's performance. I can't believe this is real. I can't believe this is real. This reading would confuse William Shatner. It is very plausible that they hired a robot from the 50's to narrate this book.

I nominate Trevor Clinger for his performance of A Forbidden Lover: BWWM.  An interracial sex story that runs 22 minutes.  This sample runs a minute and a half.  Good luck.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO SAMPLE